The Behind the Scenes

Last year was crazy. Many highs and lows, ups and downs. Definitely a roller coaster. I didn't share many of the low points. I kept my behind the scenes to myself. Maybe this creates a false ideal of what my life was really like but trust me, I never did it to be misleading. I never wanted to portray myself in a false light. So today I decided to share a bit and explain some about the last year or so.

Divorce is not easy. Starting over- absolutely NOT easy. There were many, many times where I felt hopeless. Lost. Hurt. Disappointed. Ashamed.

I had this life, this arrangement, this way of living that was gone. Over. And in its place was something scary and unfamiliar. There were times where I wasn't sure how I was going to make it. I had to move out on my own and I didn't have much. I had to leave my dogs and a comfortable life I had built and walked away with practically nothing. I moved into a 300 sq foot efficiency. My trash can was in my living room that was also my bedroom. It was kind of a dump. But it was what I could afford. There were many nights I cried myself to sleep to the sounds of people fighting. My bathroom always smelled of pot. I would say I was living the life of a poor college student except the apartments I lived in in college were a million times nicer. 

And then there was my job. It was supposed to be temporary. I took a huge pay cut (almost 50%) for this job in order to be able to move to Pensacola. Since I only planned on being here a year or two I was ok with it. It wasn't a job in my field. It wasn't work I wanted to do but hey, it was just temporary. But now here I am and that job became the only thing I had. And I felt like such a failure. I felt like I was so far off this path I had wanted to be on, the path I once was on. I felt embarrassed and ashamed and that I let myself down. Here I was loaded down with student loan debt working a job that was not in my field, not my area of interest or expertise. Not what I went to school for. Not what I was passionate about. And there were many days that was a tough pill to swallow.

And I was alone. Thirty-six years old and starting over. Feeling like that maybe the best years of my life were alreay behind me and that those years, because of my weight and the limitations it put on me, were squandered away. I'm not going to lie, there were times I felt hopeless. Not sure where to go but feeling that I had hit bottom. 

But here's the thing...those moments- they were fleeting. Because no matter how shitty I felt I knew I had no right to vocalize them publicly. 

I had a roof over my head. It may have been a shithole but it was mine. And that was more than most people have. I had a home while others did not.

I had a job. Yeah, maybe it wasn't where I thought I would or should be at times but those moments passed when I realized all the perks this job offered (free tuition!)and that I had/have the best bosses and co-workers in the world. I had a job while others, so many others, did not. 

And I had an amazing life. Yes, there were nights I felt alone. Scared. Anxious. Because it was a huge change. And I missed my dogs (still do). And I didn't know what the future had in store. But I had family, friends and my health. I had so much love and so many amazing years ahead of me while so many others did not. 

I don't know why I decided to write about this today other than the feeling maybe I needed to explain myself. I am grateful, every day even when shit is so hard,  because I have more blessings than I deserve. I try to always stay positive because that's the person I was raised to be. It's not always easy but keeping a positive outlook makes living my life easier...if that makes sense. So I guess what I am saying is that my behind the scenes are probably similar to yours. I have my ups and downs. I am not always happy, my life is not always perfect. But it is my life and it is exactly how it should be. Maybe I should share more but I hate to dwell on the negative stuff. I will always prefer to share the good stuff and reflect on all I have in this world. I hope you understand.

And on that note, I wish you happy holidays. May you be able to celebrate this time with those you love. 

Love and hugs,

Dacia 

xoxoxox

One Year Ago...

Today I saw a post from last year when I found out my mom had breast cancer and a resulting double mastectomy and I was immediately hit with a flood of emotions. Not because my mom is currently sick, she isn’t- she is (praise all the baby goats!) cancer free. And that is so awesome. But  I remembered that moment- the fear, the sadness, the uncertainty I felt when I heard that news. I was so scared. My mom is my best friend. We have always been super close and to think of her in pain or hurting was soul crushing. I am crying as I type this. To say that was a tumultuous few months would be an understatement.

And of course, as I reflected back on last summer and my mom’s surgery I thought about how I had a really rough stretch of like 6-8 months last year. Paul and I were in a pretty bad place early on in the year, then my mom’s cancer scare, then the separation and divorce and the whirlwind that ensued because of it. Some days I wonder how I survived it all. And somehow I didn’t just survive it; somehow I came out the other end in a much better, happier, safer place.

I am lucky.

Or maybe I’m not.

Maybe I am here, having persevered through the rough stuff, not because of luck but because of resolve.  As the world was crumbling down around me I never let the temporary bad stuff take me down. Yeah, there were tough times. There were a ton of tears. And of course moments of doubt. But by and by I relied on my optimism, my friends and family, and my beliefs to see me through.

So, where am I going with this?  Eh, I’m not really sure.  I just wanted to share with you this story.  A little glimpse inside where I was then and where I am now to show you how quickly and how dramatically things can change- both in a positive and a negative way.

I think it is so hard to see ‘the end’ or ‘the results’ or ‘the happy ending’ when we are bogged down in shit. Especially during those times when we have no escape from the day to day circumstances that are weighing heavily on our minds and instead force us to rely heavily on hope or faith that it will all be ok.

So I just wanted to say this- everything will be ok.

Maybe not today, maybe not next week but trust me- it will be.

Life isn’t always good. But know this; if you woke up this morning able to breathe and live your life freely then guess what? It’s not as bad as it might seem.

So today, a year after some of the most shocking and saddening news I have ever received, I am fortunate enough to be here telling this story. This sad story with a happy ending.

My takeaway from all this- it’s just temporary. Even the shitty parts that make you feel hopeless. They will pass. You are strong. You will be happy. Maybe even happier than you’ve ever been. Just don’t give up hope. Even when you can’t see the finish line have faith in knowing it is there.

And always know that you are loved.

Love and hugs-

Dacia

xoxoxoxox

The Real Stuff

Time to talk about the real stuff…

As of late, I have been somewhat overwhelmed (in a good way) with comments from friends about how happy I am and how happy they are for me. They see pictures of E and I together, or spend time with us, and see the love we have and this amazing connection we share. And they are happy. And I am happy. We are all happy. 

It’s a really good thing.

Some days I think back on my divorce and the events leading up to it. And I don’t mean to talk about this in any way that sounds like I am trashing Paul or making him out to be the bad guy. He wasn’t. Neither one of us was ‘the bad guy’. It was what it was, a marriage that just wasn't meant to be…for so, so many reasons.

And in the end (actually long before) we both knew it.  And we stopped trying to force it to work. And we ended things somewhat amicably. Somewhat. Enough for me to not have leftover anger or resentment or any of that crap.

Which is good.

And I learned a lot about myself; the person that I once was and the person I wanted to be, through the process.

I see myself then as a person with low self-worth and a terrible belief that I was an unlovable person. That I felt like I should have been thankful that anyone would even want to be with me.  And because of that I put up with a lot of shit (from myself and others) that I shouldn’t have.

Trust me; I didn’t walk away from that marriage blaming Paul for everything that had gone wrong. I owned up to my own stuff, too.

A few years ago I started to pull my life together. I found acceptance and self-love and came to (FINALLY) realize that I am a really good person, I am worthy of love (most importantly worthy of my own love) and that I needed to take care of myself first and foremost. I needed to start chasing dreams and living to my full potential. I was ready to start living life and in order to truly do so it meant the dissolution of my marriage.

And I have no regrets.

I believe 100% that I did what was best for me.  What needed to be done. And in the end, that is what I had to base my decision off of. Because I was losing myself. 

And I no longer wanted to be lost.

Now here I am. In another committed relationship and I am happy. Truly, unbelievably, sometimes sickeningly happy.

And it is not because Erick is great and Paul was horrible. Honestly this has nothing to do with either one of them.

I am happy because I was willing enough to make a really tough decision, one that was scary and foreign and could possibly have gone terribly wrong, in order to be able to love myself, to chase my dreams, to start being me even if that meant I did so alone.

I made the choice to make my happiness my priority.

And I know it sounds selfish. And it kind of was. But I was so lost. I needed to be selfish in order to find my way. In order to stand up for myself. To be strong. To be the person I wanted to be.

So, I made my happiness my priority and I set out to find the path I wanted to be on.  And that path has led me here- to a new phase of my life and into a new relationship. It’s young and still developing but it has strong roots and a sturdy foundation.

I am trying to embrace each moment, live life fully and love openly. It’s hard; I battle the (unsubstantiated and pretty irrational) fear of losing E. The fear of making bad decisions. The fear of never achieving my dreams. I think that sometimes I must feel this way because it has never been this good. I have never been this happy. And it would be terrible to lose any of this.

I have a lot of back and forth conversations (with myself of course) that ultimately end in me agreeing that really even if it all went to shit tomorrow it would have all been worth it. And knowing that is true helps allow me to chase my dreams and love someone completely and stop being so damn afraid.

Because I only have one life. This life. Right now.

And if I want to be a professor and live on a farm with 44 baby goats (have you seen this video??) and have a vegetable garden and brew my own beer then that’s what I will do. The only thing that can stop me from my dreams is me so I need to learn how to get the heck out of my own way and keep on working to make my dreams come true.

And hopefully, in the end I have a farm and a garden and a big fluffy dog and an awesome teaching gig and even a wonderful man to share it all with- sitting next to me in a big wooden Adirondack chair, telling me that he loves our perfect life.

But even if none of that happens, even if I don’t make each of those dreams come true, even if I end up alone I do know one thing for sure…

I will have an amazing life chasing my dreams. 

Love and hugs,

Dacia

xoxoxox

An Identity Crisis...Sort Of

Some days I experience emotions that make me feel a bit....lost. 

Not necessarily that I am going through life without a sense of direction but more like I missed out on a huge chunk of my life.

Let me explain.

I am thirty-six but I feel like I have the life of a twenty-four year old. And to be fair the only reason I say 24 and not 22 is because I went to grad school.

Here is why I feel like a 24 year old. 

I drive a car that is financed, not owned.

I live in a one room efficiency, that I rent.

I am single.

I have no kids.

I have only been at my current job for a year. And to add insult to injury, not only am I not established in my career I make less than I did 7 yrs ago when I got my Master's.

I feel like over the last decade (more particularly the last 4.5 years since I left Boeing) my life was paused. During this time my friends got married, bought houses, had families.

Me- well, I did get married but you all know how that one played out.

And it's weird, talking about this to E. He is my age, well a couple years older, but his life (although single and kid free) is quite different than mine. He owns his car, has a decade worth of equity in his home, and has been at his job for 13 years. He is established.

Me- well some days (like today) I just feel like I'm floating. Not grounded. Not rooted. Just here. And it is a weird feeling.

I feel like I will be 50 years old by the time I feel like I have a 36 year old's life. And that makes me nervous. 

And sad.

And remorseful for the life I feel like I lost.

And I can't fix this. 

I don't know how. 

Or at least I don't know how, yet.

Yes, I realize that every 36 year old leads a different life. I have high school friends with kids that are making college plans and I have friends who openly admit they will never settle down, never have kids, etc.  It's a broad spectrum.

And I'm on it somewhere, seemingly more towards one end than the other.

And I don't write about this because I want pity or sympathy but instead I write simply because it is cathartic for me. Sometimes this is the best way for me to express these feelings. And through that expression I hope to find a solution.

Or at least a glimmer of hope that my 36/24 life is ok.

That this is where I am meant to be.

That I will be ok.

Because this is my life and it will only ever look like what I make of it.

I can't take back those years of my life where I felt stagnant. Those years I feel I wasted.

But I can vow to work on creating better years going forward.   

And being ok with my life the way it is. Because ultimately it doesn't matter how I perceive the state of my 'adulthood'. 

I have a roof over my head, a job, and people that love me. Everything else is just icing on the cake.

Right?

Dacia

xoxoxo

The "New" Me...

I am in the midst of changing my name. The divorce was finalized weeks ago, the documents from which changed me back to my maiden name, but I only just changed my driver’s license yesterday. I had been waiting for a window of a few weeks where I wouldn’t be traveling so I didn’t need to be worried that my ID and credit card names didn’t match and cause problems. Yesterday I changed both my license and social security card and updated my name on my auto loan, credit card, and notified my landlord of the change too.

Today it was the bank. New debit card. New checks. The name on both accounts and the safety deposit box has been updated.

So I got the big ones out of the way. Everything else that needs to be changed isn’t quite as urgent.

Well, that’s not 100% true. I need to update my name at work; payroll, my tax forms, get a new ID, and of course all my insurance stuff too. But I need my new social security card first so all of those are on hold until that comes in.

If I am being honest here, which I always strive to be when I write, I am not upset by the whole changing of the name thing. I am not sad. I am not filled with longing or regret of the life that is now in my past. I am, however, annoyed by how many things have my name on it and a bit regretful I changed my name in the first place. You’d be amazed how many things have your name on them…not just the obvious ones- bank accounts, credit cards, ID either. Pretty much everything we do involves the use of our name.

Everything.

I changed my name on Facebook but forgot I needed to change it on my google+/Gmail account.

And my email signature.

And my yahoo account for my fantasy football.

And on every app on my phone.

And my groupon account.

And PayPal.

Oh, and my co-op membership.

iTunes.

My blog.

My cellphone.

Everything!

It’s like a never ending list.

And I am sure there are things I haven’t even thought of yet. One day I will stumble upon them and roll my eyes and sigh heavily as I make the change. It’s inevitable.

I am doing the best I can to keep a list of what has been changed and what still needs to be changed. I am hoping I will have the bulk of these changes made by the end of the week.

I am just ready to be Dacia Root 100% of the time.

I mean, I am Dacia Root. There’s no doubt about that.

Just don’t ask to see my blood donor card….it’s filled with lies and false identities ;)

For now, rant about name change over…

There are far worse things in life than having to sit on hold and fax in paperwork. I am still definitely one of the lucky ones. For that, I am truly grateful.

Love and hugs-

Dacia (Root)

P.S. I have a new blog name. I am going to make a big change. Soon. Well, just as soon as I figure out the actual process. So stay tuned!

Moving On...

Just wanted to check in with you after yesterday’s sobering post….

Today I am doing pretty well, believe it or not. Closure is definitely a good thing. My friend A and I were out to dinner last night and she told me how with divorce you cycle through the five stages of grief/loss since we react to divorce in a similar fashion to death. I thought about this a lot and I agree with her- I definitely went through those five stages.

I think that at first (for the last few months actually) I was in denial about the whole thing. Not that I was denying the fact that the divorce was imminent but that by trying to maintain a friendship with Paul and keep him in my life (because honestly I thought that was the best thing for us both) I was denying myself the right to move on, to turn the page or end the chapter or whatever metaphor you deem fitting. I was totally in denial of what divorce actually meant, what it really would be like.

Then, like a freight train, I entered into the anger stage on Monday and that went straight into Tuesday. I admit, I said a lot of unkind things to Paul. There were definitely times when I let my emotions take over me and the words, well they just kept coming. I just couldn’t turn it off. He took everything I said with a grain of salt, too, but that’s probably because he had acted the same way towards me at many points so he knew to be understanding.

The bargaining phase… well I think that one was short lived. I tried to reason to myself that if we could just get through this then ultimately we could remain a part of each other’s lives or if I just give him space/kindness/compassion/friendship/time/whatever then in the end he wouldn’t resent me or worse yet, hate me. But I can’t bargain for those things. It is what it is- I cannot control what will happen tomorrow or ten years from now. I can only accept this situation for what it is and move on.

When the anger was gone and I knew I couldn’t bargain with him for the outcome I desired well that’s when the depression set in. Depression is such a strong word though. I prefer to say sadness. I was really sad. For the first time I really felt just overcome with sadness. It was over, the marriage was over (which of course I knew) and going forward we would no longer be a part of each other’s world. That made me very sad knowing he was no longer going to be a phone call away. Sad that we wouldn't continue to share each others stories and life events. That we would stop being important and meaningful to each other. So, I cried. The ugly kind of crying…at work…just sitting there, hunched over my laptop crying my eyes out. I had to retreat to the bathroom where I hid in a stall and just let all the tears come, sobbing sounds and all. I cried and cried until it set in…until I reached acceptance.

Acceptance is what allowed me to say my goodbyes. To write yesterday’s post. To turn the page and end that chapter of my life. There is no more story of Paul and Dacia. It is over. Yes, writing that makes me sad, as it probably should, but only because there is a lot of history and memories I am leaving behind. That’s kind of a big deal. But yesterday, I laid them all to rest. I made my peace and now I move on.

Today is a new day, a fresh start and of course a blank page.

I don’t know what the future holds for me but I am not afraid.

Today I am excited to start writing my story, my next chapter. I cannot tell you how it all ends but I can tell you this- it is going to be AWESOME!

Also, I cannot thank you all enough for all the kind words and lovely sentiments I received yesterday. The outpouring was a bit overwhelming. It is because of you that I know my life has purpose and meaning and how I know it will be greater than I ever imagined possible.

Love and hugs and deep heartfelt thanks,

Dacia  

Saw this armadillo on my walk this afternoon....see you just never know where the day will take you...

Just Some News...

I am less than a month out from my surgery date and I am both excited and nervous. Wow!  Actually, it’s 4 weeks out as of today. Crazy!

I was talking to my friend Jess the other day and she made me realize that I don’t think I posted anything on the blog once I had a surgery date set.

Actually, what had happened was I got a surgery date (probably about month or so ago) but I was not 100% sure whether or not I would have the surgery because of the divorce. You know, the whole ‘I-may-not-have-insurance’ thing was kind of the big deciding factor. I should mention that I added health insurance coverage through my work but it won’t go into effect until January 1^st so if Paul and I were to be divorced prior to my surgery date I would be uninsured.

But then last week we got our court date.

January 16^th.

One week after my 36^th birthday.

6 days after what will be our ninth and final wedding anniversary.

Kind of surreal, and it’s less than two months away.

I just need to take a minute to think about that…because it is a big deal. I know it is the right thing for me (and Paul) but a huge, epic chapter of my life is about to come to a close. I have to acknowledge that.

And I have.

And I will continue to recognize this.

But I am ready to start the next chapter of my life.

And as thankful as I am for all of the chapters that have come before, and all of the characters they involved, I am equally thankful, and excited, for those that have yet to be written…

Right now the future seems filled with possibilities (that’s my optimistic way of saying filled with unknown circumstances- lol) and that makes me happy. Excited and happy.

And of course a bit scared…but just a little bit. A manageable amount… J

Anywho….back to the surgery topic…

Since our divorce finalization is a month after my surgery date I will still able to go through with the procedure.

And hopefully between my current insurance and my new insurance all of my nine million follow-up appointments will be covered too.

And thankfully my boss is super awesome and has been very understanding in regards to the ridiculous number of doctors’ appointments I have had these past few months and will have before and after the surgery.

The only downside of this whole thing, and it is really not that big of a deal, is that I will be spending Christmas completely alone. Some days, the idea of being alone (again) through the holiday makes me sad. On the upside, it will only be a week post-surgery- I will probably be too out of it to care. That’s what I am hoping will happen, at least. No one wants to be sad and alone and somewhat immobile on Christmas....

In other news…

On Monday I went to the county tax collector’s office (or what I continually refer to as the DMV) and got my Florida driver’s license, registered my car and re-titled it in Florida. I feel quite official. Can I call myself a Floridian now? And I am pretty excited to finally have a driver’s license photo that actually looks like me. I mean, the picture sucks (of course), but at least you know it’s me when looking at it.

My fitbit officially died last week. Thankfully the company is sending me a whole new replacement unit. I can’t wait until it gets here, I feel so strange not wearing it, but honestly I have had so many issues with it lately that even though I would wear it daily my actual log hasn’t been accurate in quite some time. Hopefully this new unit does the trick and hopefully it will last longer than the not even 3 months I had the first one for.

Oh, do you remember me talking about that project I had due on the 10^th? I feel like I mentioned that I had the dates wrong and thought it was due in December. Well that paper/project ended up being 35 pages long and it got me an A! BOOM! Yeah, not really sure how I pulled that one off but I was pretty excited when I found out my grade this past Monday. Totally set the tone for the whole week J

Also, speaking of classes- I cannot believe this semester is almost over. I really just cannot believe it. I just registered for the spring semester this week and am really looking forward to having a few weeks off in between. Don’t get me wrong; I love being a full time grad student and I love being a full time employee but there are definitely times when doing both simultaneously gets to be a bit much. Luckily, I have been able to manage so far. I think this is the easy part though…it’s really my dissertation I am concerned about. But I will cross that bridge when I get to it. For now, I will happily continue on doing both.

I am happy to report my first weekend living downtown was pretty freaking awesome. I have some pictures I took at all of the events I attended and I am hoping to get them up in this week’s Wordless Wednesday post later today…yes, people, I am trying to get two posts up today. Shocking, I know. I just wanted to mention here how awesome it was being able to walk everywhere I went all weekend long. It was fantastic. It was nice walking to all my favorite spots and taking some time to explore and find some new places. It was great. This weekend will be a mix of downtown activities (Christmas fair, beers/dinners/brunch out, farmers market, a 5K walk) mixed with time being in town- I plan on going to see Catching Fire this weekend. I am pretty excited- it should be a nice, low-key weekend.

Hmmm…other than all that stuff I am not really sure there is much new to report. Just life, as normal; eat all the vegan food, drink all the craft beer, work, work, work, school, school, school, boot camp, run, bike, laugh, sing,  and as always be  a tad bit (ok, a whole lot of) ridiculous.

Hope all is well with you!

Love and hugs!

Dacia (and Ruby)

 

Such a serious face for such a goofy puppy...

My New Normal

I am trying to settle into what I am now calling my ‘new normal’.

It’s weird; a whole new life. A new place to live. A new routine.

Pretty much a new Dacia….ok, that’s sounds a bit hokey and probably a bit overdramatic too but throughout this whole process I am really starting to change. And it’s a good thing. I think I am finally starting to find ‘me’, you know?

And that was kind of the whole point. So that’s good.

But it is what it is, it’s not always easy. I don’t mean to sound like I am trivializing the impact of this divorce. I am just letting you know I am doing my best to work through it the only way I know how, by trying to take care of me. Sometimes it’s scary, sometimes it’s exciting but it is always, though, my life. If that makes sense.

I’m adjusting.

I know it will take time before this new life feels normal but it’s getting there.

And for that I am thankful.

And excited.

There is a lot to be excited about, especially in regards to my new place….mainly the location. It excites me that I can walk home from the bar at night or walk down a few blocks and grab some breakfast. I can walk to the farmers market and the bike shop. I can walk to yoga and I live directly behind the Pilates Barre studio which will be great when I start going back for private sessions. It will be especially nice when I just have to cross the street to get to the civic center for hockey games...I think it will actually be a shorter walk for me from my apartment to the arena than it is from where we normally park. That’s pretty awesome. Add in all the places to run and bike and just the general excitement of being downtown and I am pretty thrilled. Oh, and walking distance to my favorite vegan restaurant- can’t forget that! These things really help make the transition easier.

And I need those things to help me get through this. That and time with friends. Those things have really made, and will continue to make, a huge impact on my life. Nothing feels as good as a hearty belly laugh and a big warm bear hug; especially when I get nervous or anxious about these new/unfamiliar situations.

I love that I have weekly dinner dates with my friend A, or that my co-worker invited me to girl’s night at a pottery studio this Friday. She and I also have plans to go out to the caverns in January which will be awesome! I love that I have people in my life that want nothing more to help cheer me up when they see me struggling. And of course, I love the fact that I receive daily messages from friends all over the country asking about me, thinking about me, just showing genuine concern for me- I have never felt so much love than as I do right now. I am truly the luckiest girl alive to have such a wonderful and caring support system.

Right now, aside from the stress related to what seems like a never ending to-do list of divorce stuff, life is pretty good. I turned in a huge project for one of my grad classes this past weekend, which was a great relief. I am moved in and settling into my new place. I am back into a somewhat new workout routine, which I love, and was finally able to go back to boot camp last night now that I am almost 100% over this cold. I am eating better, sleeping better, and I gained 2 lbs. Yay! I love being a healthy 155 versus an unhealthy 153. Work is great and an added bonus is that I get to spend my days with some of the most amazing people who make me laugh and smile all the time. These ladies I work with, they are awesome. It makes life easier.

Today, this post is easy to write. I am happy, feeling good, optimistic (as per the usual) and want to share things about my life, happy things. Things that make me smile.

A few days ago- during parts of the move- or even yesterday- while freaking out about how to title my car in Florida as a non-Florida resident with like no proof of address (which I think I finally figured out how to do)- those were some low points. Those were times I couldn’t write about…the words wouldn’t come. I was a whole mess of emotions. The tough, not fun ones. Missing my dogs. Feeling sad for hurting Paul and fearful of possibly losing him as a friend at some point. Feeling miserable and nervous about the state of my life- being completely self-reliant for the first time in a very, very, very long time. And of course being scared of this new future, which sometimes seems rather limited now.

But those feelings pass. I find ways to bring myself back into a happy mind frame (usually drawing on the support of others to get me there) and I see the hope in what lies ahead. I see adventure, not uncertainty. I see growth and love and unlimited possibilities. And I know that in the end both Paul and I will come out of this ok.

Actually, better than ok.

And that….that helps me sleep at night.

So here it is- my new normal…thank you for being a part of it.

 Hockey Night! Go Ice Flyers!!!

 



 I'm always bundled up like I'm in the Arctic Tundra or something...

 

 Super excited for next week's cooking class!!! Pumpkin Cheesecake...Yes, please!

 

 Vegan brunch...still excellent even when I dine alone...go figure. Lol!

 

 Best part of brunch :)

 

 Happy for road trips to Alabama...

 

 Did I just say happy and Alabama in the same sentence??? Lol!

 

 This brewery is amazing...if you are local I highly recommend checking it out.

 

 Last week's dinner date with A involved some Indian food and of course, you know me, some Indian beer...

 

 Chocolate Peanut Butter Stout....yes, please!

 

 Enjoying a beer on move-in day 2 at the Brewery just a few blocks away!

 

 Breakfast at the Leisure Club!

 

 My view...can't every Monday start this way??? Ok, I'll settle for every Sunday.

 

Yep...life is never dull in Pensacola...

Love you always,

Dacia

Once Upona Time...

Once upon a time…

I used to write about the not so serious stuff.

You know; the running, the riding…the theme of my blog…

So I feel like I should apologize that lately this blog has been a lot about my weight loss, the surgery, divorce, loss of friends, cancer…lots of sad and tough topics.

I swear I really am one happy person even if that isn’t evident lately in my posts.

So, here’s what I have been thinking, the thoughts piling up in my head.

Well, I am thinking about a few things actually…

1.       Maybe I should change my blog name. I did this before when I was on WP. Kept the link, changed the name. Is that confusing? Should I just create a whole new blog? I know so many (I am guessing a large majority) of bloggers never change their name. But to me, it feels kind of natural. Last year I started R.R.R. and at the time that was my life. I was 100% focused on training; my days were running, riding, or a combo of the two. Now, those are just a small part of my life. Yes, I still love running. Yes, I still love cycling. But I have moved into this new chapter of my life (even before the divorce) where I am focusing on so many other things. Getting stronger, leaner, healthier. I see a nutritionist. I love my boot camp classes. I continually tweak my diet. I am also far more social. Long gone are the 4am alarms for training runs. I will take a Sunday morning hot yoga class over a long run any time. My life is about balancing it all; work, school (I’m working on a freaking doctorate- can you believe that???), health, fitness, relaxation, friends, hockey, and lots of beers. I feel like with this new chapter in my life there should also be a change here. Or maybe I am being a bit too overdramatic? Thoughts? Also, if you are so kind to comment on this idea- do I keep everything the same; twitter, FB, links and just change the header name OR a complete overhaul?

2.       I need to take better care of myself. Last week (the first full week I 100% lived outside of the apt with Paul) was rough. And I kind of expected it to be. I mean, it’s difficult living with someone, even if it is just temporary, because it is hard for me to keep to my routine. My focus last week was trying to take care of the 9 million divorce related things I needed to do all while fighting a cold (which is almost gone, yay!), fighting a losing battle with a friend (which really took its toll on me)  and trying to not be a nuisance to my temporary roomie all while stressed about my impending homelessness. I should note that Paul did not kick me out, nor did my temp roomie, I exaggerate when I say impending homelessness. I am just ready to be in my own place. To be settled. To start this next phase. It’s what all three of us need. Limbo sucks. You know? But because of the unusual circumstances of the week this meant I got in only two, yep TWO, workouts and my eating was sub-par. And by sub-par I mean not eating enough. My calorie intake was way too low. And my body felt it. Thankfully, by the end of the week it did get better. I was eating more, trying to focus on how I would get back into a routine this week, focusing on just trying to make the best decisions I could every day, and focusing on finding a place to live- which I did. The downside of a crazy week like this is that I lost 3 pounds. I am down to 153. Most people would be happy. Me, not so much. Those three pounds are gone because I didn’t take care of myself and that is a big warning flag. This week- I hope to gain a bit back. Eat better. Workout 5 times (that’s my goal). And hopefully move into my new place on Saturday. All while working on a huge project for one of my grad classes. Surprisingly enough, I am not too stressed over all of this. I have a plan for the week. And I am ready to kick some ass.

3.       I am happy. Well, at least as happy as one person can be given the circumstances. I want you to know that. I am not locked away somewhere crying in my beer, feeling sorry for myself. Yes, at times I do get a bit sad. I get scared. It’s not always easy. But for the most part, especially with each passing day, it gets easier. I am more hopeful. I am happy. I am creating new memories, experiencing new things. And it’s good. I am focused on myself, my dreams. And there is so much less pressure when you only need to think of yourself. It’s a weird shift, its palpable the changes that are happening, but it’s good. It’s what I need right now. It’s what I need period.

4.       I may or may not wake up Sunday morning and run a half marathon. We’ll see.  I am still sick, I am moving on Saturday, I have a huge project due Sunday but it’s something I may still do. My friend Jodi is running it, it will be her first, and I told her I would run it with her. To help her through it. For support. To take pictures. To hold her water bottle. Whatever. Because I have ran all of mine alone. Some with no one there at the finish line. And it sucks. So, if I can, I will probably run the Pensacola half on Sunday. Because being a good friend needs to be one of my top priorities right now. It can’t always be about me all the time. Plus- it will be fun as hell doing this with her and I can certainly use more fun in my life!

5.       One of my co-workers said to me the other day that I should write a book on divorce- she says she is totally impressed about how Paul and I are handling this entire situation. I give him all the credit. He has really been great throughout the whole process. I am lucky to call him my friend. Sometime soon, probably this week, we will receive our court date to finalize the divorce. We will just need to appear and say that we both still agree to the terms we set and that is that. The judge signs off on our papers and it’s over. Kind of crazy how fast it all happens. But I digress…the point I want make here is this; there are some people in my life that think Paul and I are handling this divorce in a good way, some people think we are doing it all wrong and would prefer for us to not maintain a positive relationship (yes, there are people that actually want Paul to cut all ties with me), and there are people that want to know every detail and criticize/question our choices. But the thing is, and I know I said this last week, how we handle the divorce is no one’s business but ours. We have to live this life. We are trying to do what is best for us both. Not everyone will see it that way. Not everyone will understand. Nor should they. We are all different; different ideals, beliefs, behaviors, and so not everyone will think we are doing what is best for us. So- I just want to reassure you (in case there was any doubt) YES, we are doing what is best for us. It’s not always easy but we both just want to walk away from this not broken. With the least damage possible. With good memories. Care in our hearts. And possibly a connection, in some form or another, that could last a very, very long time. I just wanted you to hear this, again, from me. So you know we are ok. We are surviving this thing the best we can. And we are doing what works for us. That has been our decision since day 1 and we are sticking to it.

Well, that’s a whole lot of words- much more than I planned on writing today but it’s good. It’s good to be able to fill you in on what is happening in my life. The last thing I want is for you to worry about me. I’m here. I’m good.

And one day soon…I’ll be great.

Love,

Dacia

Walking Away...

There is so much I want to write about but I am just not sure where to start.

Maybe I should start here…

I am very fortunate to have the life I have today. Very fortunate for my health, my friends and family, love, happiness, kindness, compassion- I have it all. I don’t take these things for granted. I am lucky that I have been able to surround myself with positive and like-minded individuals who have always cared for me and loved me, as is.

That’s a really big deal.

Having positive people around me makes it easier to be a positive person.

Having accepting people in my life that let me be me, without judgment (because honestly- what right is it of ours to judge others), have made it easier for me to be accepting and non-judgmental.

But of course there will always be people in my life, acquaintances, co-workers, strangers at the gym, etc., that I have no control over. I can keep my circle of friends and family tight, surround myself with only those who represent the type of person I aim to be ,but I have no control as to what happens on the periphery of that circle.

This week I have been hit hard. By someone I thought was in my circle, someone I considered a friend.

I have just been overwhelmed with negative feelings and emotions all week long.

Maybe I brought this on myself. My actions have consequences, I know that.

And I need to stop here and say that this has nothing to do with Paul, he and I are good. We are actually hanging out tonight. I am getting to spend the night with the pups. He and I are adults and are handling this whole divorce in a mature and civil fashion.

Others in my life, not so much.

But here is the thing…before I go off into a diatribe about this whole shitty situation, which I shouldn’t because that whole mess isn’t worth the space of a few lines on my blog…

The thing is…it is important to know when to cut your losses and walk away.

That’s what I had to do this week. It sucked. It’s been a really long time since I had to make the tough decision to end a friendship. And to clarify, this friendship was over- I had to make the decision to stop fighting to revive it. To stop fighting to try and fix something that probably shouldn’t be fixed.

Because ultimately, I need good people in my life. Loving, kind, caring people who recognize I am a human being too. I have flaws. I make mistakes. I hurt and feel pain. And I love so deeply. I wear my heart on my sleeve and am easily crushed because of it. That’s me.

And someone that doesn’t get that…well they probably shouldn’t be in my life.

I know that.

And I know that I have so many wonderful people in my life that I don’t need to fight for one that doesn’t want to be a part of it.

But it still hurts.

Every day.

But…it gets easier.

So today, today I chose to focus on my circle. The amazing people I get to call friends. The loves of my life, my soul mates, my beacons of hope…

And today I chose to ignore what lies out in the periphery.

Because those people are not what matter to me.

You are. And today, just like every day, I am thankful for you.

Love and kisses,

Dacia

Yesterday...

This may be the most difficult post I will ever write.

And if you read this post last week you may have wondered what exactly I was alluding to.

Because there is no easy way to say it I will just start from this point- yesterday, Paul and I filed for divorce.

I may not write much about this going forward. It is deeply personal and involves two people, not just me.

I have discussed writing about this on the blog with him so he knows. You will not get details, just generalities as this is a private matter.

He and I have come to terms with this the best way we know how. We both accept responsibility for the state of our marriage, we both know that neither one of us is 100% at fault. We both are trying to not blame, point fingers or try to knock the other one down.

And although the disconnect between he and I has been broadening for some time now it doesn’t change the reality that walking away from someone after ten years is no easy feat.

We have an incredible amount of good memories. He has loved me, cared for me, supported me in ways no one ever has. He was my constant companion and my best friend, which is why I think the marriage lasted longer than maybe it should have.

I wish every day it was enough. That what we had was enough. I tried to make it so. I wanted to be there for him. To support him. To encourage him. To celebrate every victory. To cry together with every heartbreak but I just couldn’t anymore.

Because I realized being with him was selfish. At this point at least.

Because he needed more than what I could give him. He needed and deserved love.

So, we have decided to divorce now. Amicably. Instead of pushing through this for a few more years, one of us (or both) resenting each other and then having a nasty, hateful divorce.

It is not easy. There are a lot of tears. There is still a bond between us that may never break. And honestly, I hope it doesn’t. I hope that in ten years from now I look back on our life together with warm memories, thankful for having someone like him in my life.

I told him (somewhat jokingly) we may have failed in our marriage but let’s try to not fail at this divorce.

We try (and at times it is extremely difficult) to be civil, calm, respectful and understanding towards each other.  We know there will be, and has been, weeks , days, moments of sadness, hurt, anger, grief and that when we feel those emotions we take a beat.  A break. To not talk to each other with those heated emotions, to not say things we may regret.

And that happens. Yesterday I was an ass. I yelled a lot. In a parking lot of a Publix. Like a spoiled brat.

But Paul, being the understanding person he is, let me talk it out throughout the day and we took all those feelings and thoughts and turned them into much needed discussion points.

And when our therapist canceled our appointment for last night we decided we still wanted to talk face to face. So we went out to dinner together. To talk, to laugh, to share. To try and create some good memories.

Because I want him to look back on October 28^th and have something good to hold on to. October 28^th will always be the day that we filed for divorce but it will also be the day we ate together at Macaroni Grill, talked about the Red Sox winning game 5 (woot woot!), and shared a lot of laughs and of course a few tears.

So, please know that this decision to divorce is not one we entered into lightly. And just as details of two people’s marriage, and how they carry them out, are their decisions alone; so it is with a divorce. We are the only two people who know what we need, what we want from this and how to handle the decisions that get us there.  We are both beyond fortunate to have an amazing support system, as well as each other, to help us through this.

And we both thank you for all of your support, understanding and kindness moving forward.

Thank you!

XOXOXOXO

Dacia (and Paul)  

 

Taken October 28th, 2013...