Friday, June 13, 2014

The Real Stuff

Time to talk about the real stuff…

As of late, I have been somewhat overwhelmed (in a good way) with comments from friends about how happy I am and how happy they are for me. They see pictures of E and I together, or spend time with us, and see the love we have and this amazing connection we share. And they are happy. And I am happy. We are all happy. 

It’s a really good thing.

Some days I think back on my divorce and the events leading up to it. And I don’t mean to talk about this in any way that sounds like I am trashing Paul or making him out to be the bad guy. He wasn’t. Neither one of us was ‘the bad guy’. It was what it was, a marriage that just wasn't meant to be…for so, so many reasons.

And in the end (actually long before) we both knew it.  And we stopped trying to force it to work. And we ended things somewhat amicably. Somewhat. Enough for me to not have leftover anger or resentment or any of that crap.

Which is good.

And I learned a lot about myself; the person that I once was and the person I wanted to be, through the process.

I see myself then as a person with low self-worth and a terrible belief that I was an unlovable person. That I felt like I should have been thankful that anyone would even want to be with me.  And because of that I put up with a lot of shit (from myself and others) that I shouldn’t have.

Trust me; I didn’t walk away from that marriage blaming Paul for everything that had gone wrong. I owned up to my own stuff, too.

A few years ago I started to pull my life together. I found acceptance and self-love and came to (FINALLY) realize that I am a really good person, I am worthy of love (most importantly worthy of my own love) and that I needed to take care of myself first and foremost. I needed to start chasing dreams and living to my full potential. I was ready to start living life and in order to truly do so it meant the dissolution of my marriage.

And I have no regrets.

I believe 100% that I did what was best for me.  What needed to be done. And in the end, that is what I had to base my decision off of. Because I was losing myself. 

And I no longer wanted to be lost.

Now here I am. In another committed relationship and I am happy. Truly, unbelievably, sometimes sickeningly happy.

And it is not because Erick is great and Paul was horrible. Honestly this has nothing to do with either one of them.

I am happy because I was willing enough to make a really tough decision, one that was scary and foreign and could possibly have gone terribly wrong, in order to be able to love myself, to chase my dreams, to start being me even if that meant I did so alone.

I made the choice to make my happiness my priority.

And I know it sounds selfish. And it kind of was. But I was so lost. I needed to be selfish in order to find my way. In order to stand up for myself. To be strong. To be the person I wanted to be.

So, I made my happiness my priority and I set out to find the path I wanted to be on.  And that path has led me here- to a new phase of my life and into a new relationship. It’s young and still developing but it has strong roots and a sturdy foundation.

I am trying to embrace each moment, live life fully and love openly. It’s hard; I battle the (unsubstantiated and pretty irrational) fear of losing E. The fear of making bad decisions. The fear of never achieving my dreams. I think that sometimes I must feel this way because it has never been this good. I have never been this happy. And it would be terrible to lose any of this.

I have a lot of back and forth conversations (with myself of course) that ultimately end in me agreeing that really even if it all went to shit tomorrow it would have all been worth it. And knowing that is true helps allow me to chase my dreams and love someone completely and stop being so damn afraid.

Because I only have one life. This life. Right now.

And if I want to be a professor and live on a farm with 44 baby goats (have you seen this video??) and have a vegetable garden and brew my own beer then that’s what I will do. The only thing that can stop me from my dreams is me so I need to learn how to get the heck out of my own way and keep on working to make my dreams come true.

And hopefully, in the end I have a farm and a garden and a big fluffy dog and an awesome teaching gig and even a wonderful man to share it all with- sitting next to me in a big wooden Adirondack chair, telling me that he loves our perfect life.

But even if none of that happens, even if I don’t make each of those dreams come true, even if I end up alone I do know one thing for sure…

I will have an amazing life chasing my dreams. 

Love and hugs,