Thursday, July 31, 2014

Catching Up and Checking In

I know I have been pretty quiet on the blog lately but man, has life been crazy. I am in the thick of finals for my two summer courses and am trying my best not to stress over it. This past Sunday and Wednesday I turned in my last assignments and all that remains is one final and one paper. Once August 9th rolls around I will be finished with summer classes and I’ll have two whole weeks off before the fall term starts. I plan on celebrating with a nighttime tour of the Pensacola lighthouse, a sailing excursion, taking the Pensacola pedal trolley pub tour, classic movie night at the Saenger (American Graffiti) and then a weekend trip to New Orleans. I am pretty excited about all the fun stuff we have planned for August. I am even taking a break from finals to go kayaking this Saturday. Which will be my second active adventure and I will be able to cross that goal off my 4 week challenge chart. Yippee! In case you were wondering, walking/exploring/climbing around Ft Pickens was active adventure number one.

Oh and as far as my four week challenge goes, I am on day 17 of 28. I have hit my daily goals (8K steps, tracking, stick to meal plan, 25 minutes of activity) all but one day. I have hit all of my weekly goals (4 or less meals out, run three times, weigh myself only once a week, and drinkend only) with the exception being I missed on running three times once. Last week I only ran twice.  Eh, it happens. And for my monthly goals I have gotten one of two active adventures knocked out but have yet to get in any bike rides. Hopefully this weekend I will be able to get in one of each. With 11 days left in the challenge I think I am doing great and hopefully will be rewarding myself with a new dress from Anthropologie when I go to NOLA.

Hmmmm, what else? I am still meeting with the personal trainer twice a week. We do one day upper body and another day lower body. We do a little cardio but that is mostly during warm up and cool down. For the most part we stick to strength/weight training. I love it. It’s always a challenge. He pushes me and that’s what I need when it comes to strength training. If it was just me by myself I would kind of wander around aimlessly and lift less weight for fewer reps, I’m sure. So it’s nice to have guidance but also someone to push me. And of course, someone to make sure I have proper form and posture and help me prevent injuring myself. Once I start training for my fall half marathon I will continue on with seeing him twice a week but both will be upper body days. I was thinking about going  down to just one day a week but I enjoy it too much (and because it’s through the university it’s pretty cheap, comparatively) so I decided to stick with twice a week for the time being.

Today I ran outside for the first time in months- it’s been since probably March or April I would guess. I had been running after work with E but once it got too hot, I am in Florida so that heat comes early, we moved to the indoor track and/or treadmill for our runs. But we luckily happened to get that random cold front in yesterday and I just knew I needed to get outside and run. I miss it so. There is such a better feeling, IMHO, from running outside vs running inside. The fresh air, the scenery, it’s just so peaceful. And not only was this my first outdoor run in months but it was also my very first run from my house around the neighborhood as E and I usually run up at the university where we both work. Oh, and it was also my first outdoor run in the Newtons. I just bought them last weekend and was excited to test them out on the road. I am not in love with them the way I love the Brooks PureDrift I currently run in but I think it may just take time. They are a bit higher in the drop and they have way more cushion (not to add lugs) and I think (hope) my feet will adjust and I will end up liking them more. If not, I will probably exchange them for the Saucony Kinvaras or maybe some Altras (even though I was told they didn’t have any in my size the last time around) or maybe stick with the Brooks I currently have and just get a new GPS watch.  We’ll see. I am planning on getting in another run tomorrow morning as the high will only be 71 when I head out. Not sure how long this cool morning weather will last but regardless I plan on sticking to running outside in the morning through the half marathon training and leave my evenings from my trainer, T25, and in the fall hopefully some fun group fitness classes.

And speaking of group fitness….Pensacola is getting a Pure Barre studio! In case you’ve been reading my blogs for a while you know that when I lived in San Antonio I attended classes at the Pure Barre studio there and LOVED it. I just so happened to be taking classes while training for the two half marathons I ran while living there. Then I moved to Pensacola where the closest studio was an hour away so no more barre for me. Then last year, back in June of 2013, a Pilates Barre studio opened in Pensacola and I attended classes there. For about four months. It was good. Not the same as pure barre at all. In my opinion, the Pure Barre classes are much more difficult/challenging and much faster paced. But I liked it enough to stay for several months and fork over a hefty sum of money for what was available, what was kind of close enough to pure barre, until I just couldn’t rationalize the cost anymore. The yoga studio was way, wayyyyy cheaper for the unlimited classes pack so started going there instead. Then you know life got in the way and I stopped yoga and pilates and only did group fitness at the university (free, because I was down to only my income), then I had surgery and stopped everything for a while. Needless to say, I am beyond excited this studio is opening up. And during the last two weeks in October, before the grand opening in November, classes will be FREE! I know I won’t be able to take classes at this studio at the frequency or at the cost I did in San Antonio (military discount) but I am super excited that at least I have the opportunity to take them when I want. It’s a really great way to cross-train and I really enjoyed the classes when I used to go.  

I have really been enjoying my summer at home, getting back into a workout routine, getting settled into the new house, and exploring Pensacola. Almost every weekend we have spent in Pensacola this summer has been spent doing amazing local activities. It has been a lot of fun and it really has made me fall in love with Pensacola even more than I did before, which I wasn’t sure was even possible. For me, living here is kind of like living in paradise. I am thankful every day that this is where I live.

Not that I don’t think other places are great, too. Pensacola just feels like home to me.

I guess that’s because it is J

Love and hugs

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Accountability in Maintenance

Life as a ‘maintainer’ (someone in maintenance mode after weight loss) can sometimes be lonely.  It can also, at times, feel less rewarding. And I mean that in the way of when I was actively losing there was never a shortage of praise or congratulations every time I lost weight nor was there a shortage of support and kind words any time I gained or remained the same. The weight loss part of my journey seemed easier because I had so many people supporting me through it.

On this side of the coin (I have been in maintenance mode-ish for over two years) there is no real praise for keeping the weight off and limited (by comparison, I am not saying there is none) support when I struggle. This phase, or whatever you want to call it, has been far more introspective for me. And that is a good thing, when I allowed it to be. I have moved past weight loss for loss (meaning a life dictated by a number on the scale) and onto bigger, different, even more challenging personal goals- some of which don’t come with a shiny star or a medal at the finish line. And those goals, some days, are harder to find that same motivation for.

Since my first surgery back in December all I wanted to focus on (once I was medically cleared) was to build back the strength and endurance I once had. And because of that I have been off and on running and training, even though the spring was really rough for me to stick to a plan. BUT, this summer, especially in the month since Fitbloggin (my last trip) I have been meeting with my personal trainer regularly, running regularly, and now even tracking/logging my meals regularly. It’s good to be back into a routine. It’s good to feel like I am getting stronger. It’s good that I am recovering faster from lifting. It’s good that I am feeling more confident running. And most importantly it’s good to have goals again.

Because I think what I started to lose sight of recently was that accountability that helped me lose the weight in the first place.

Brooke’s personal challenge struck a chord in me and got me thinking about how I needed to hold myself more accountable for my actions and lifestyle. And so last week I set up 10 goals for myself and I am happy to report that I am one week in and I am kicking ass. I have hit all four of my daily goals every day for the past week and I met all four of my weekly goals. I was hoping to cross off one of my two monthly planned bike rides on Sunday but the rainy weather in the morning didn’t allow it. However, I am hopeful I will be able to get one in this weekend.

It’s good to finally be back on the path I most enjoy- being active and still balancing being social. But more importantly, it feels good to finally hold myself accountable. Because it’s in those moments when I really get to feel like I am making myself, my health, my fitness, my happiness, my life, my priority. And for me, that has always been the key to my success.

What has helped you find success on your journey? How do you use that to continue to ‘stay the path’?

Love and hugs,



Monday, July 14, 2014

Why Not Start Tomorrow???

I am not really sure what is going on lately but whatever it is, it's not working.  I think the tiny dictator in my head is getting lazy. Even though I have been kicking ass at the gym (meeting with my trainer twice a week and running) and doing T25 in the mornings I am still struggling with seeing much downward movement on the scale. I know its time for a little tough love and a reality check that maybe everything I am doing isn't enough.

Enter Brooke and her 'Goal Digger' four week personal challenge/goal setting plan thingy.

I saw her ideas and thought that it was probably something I needed to get on board with too. And since it's never too soon to start I thought why not tomorrow? Even though it's the middle of the month and kind of the middle of week why not?

Tonight I set printed out the downloadable tracker and filled it with my goals for the next four weeks and am here now to tell you in order to help keep myself accountable. You have my permission to call me out if I need it. 

In total I set 10 goals for this month; 4 daily goals, 4 weekly goals, and two monthly goals. I tried to keep my focus on diet and exercise and attempted to make these goals measurable so I can't BS my way around them. This is what I came up with:


  • 8,000 steps per day minimum 
  • Stick the meal plan for the day
  • Track (I suck at this...really need to focus on getting better with this one)
  • Be active every day (minimum 25 minutes)


  • Drinkend only (totally stole this term from Brooke, drink only on the weekends)
  • Run three times a week (half marathon training officially begins August 18- I need a better base)
  • Max meals out of 4 (that's 20%)
  • Only weigh myself once a week on Friday (because sometimes it does more harm than good)

  • Two active adventures 
  • Two bike rides (I need to start riding outdoors again, something that I have done very little of since moving to Pensacola)
Oh, and the best part- there is a reward at the end of the 4 weeks if I meet my goals. I am aiming for at least 80% but closer to 100% would be awesome. My choice of a reward- a new dress from Anthropologie. E and I will be in NOLA the end of August so if I meet my goals I will be making a detour to the store there to pick something out :) 

My goal tracker covered in my chicken scratch ;)

Now, it's time for bed. I have T25 in the morning and a run at the track after work and I need my beauty sleep.

Love and hugs,

Saturday, July 12, 2014

I Lost It Over Some Miso Soup

I try to be pretty diligent when it comes to eating out. I always ask about ingredients and double and triple check allergen/ingredient info online (when I can) and yet sometimes I still get burned.

Case and point- miso soup. Seems harmless enough, right? Miso paste is just fermented soybeans and it is something I keep on hand for cooking. It is salty and yummy. In the soup (made from miso paste) you will find little pieces of tofu, seaweed and scallions. Seems harmless enough right? But yet I always ask because the broth, the broth is where I seem to always get burned. I should know better right? This same thing happened last year at a pho restaurant that swore to me their ginger broth was just veggie stock and ginger but in reality (I found out on the third or fourth visit) it was chicken stock. FYI restaurants- stop calling things vegetarian if they are made with chicken broth.  UGH!

But I digress…yesterday I ordered some miso soup. It was probably the third time I had ordered it at this restaurant (where I was told no animal in broth just miso paste) only to be informed by my vegan-ish friend that they were probably wrong. Most miso soup has bonito in it. Which is fish. Which bothers me because I bet she was right and I bet the woman (or even the kitchen staff) didn’t know it had fish in it. I am a vegan and I didn’t know that.  I mean just yesterday I had to tell a waiter that eel sauce was actually made from eel bones after he tried to tell me otherwise. 

The reality is I try really hard to not eat animals but sometimes I do on accident and there is nothing I can do but learn from it and move on.  But that’s not really the point of this post.

The point is what happened after I ate the miso soup.

I basically lost it.

Somehow I went from ‘whoops, I probably just ate some fish’ to bawling my eyes out because I don’t have any (local) friends, to how much I feel like an outcast (yes, being a vegan makes me feel like the oddball in pretty much every situation), to how much it sucks that my closest friends are 1000 miles away, to how much my life would be easier if I could just find someone like me, to how alone I felt. And I just cried and cried and cried. Sobbed really. Those big ugly tears. With snot all over my face. Just uttering nonsense.  It was pretty ;)

And it felt good.

For the last few weeks I have felt off. I have been all over the place, emotionally, and I didn’t really know what was going on. And when I would tell E that I didn’t feel great I wasn’t able to tell him why.  I didn’t know if it was work stuff, school stuff, life stuff, some combo or what.

But yesterday, as I was just letting the tears come, I realized something. I realized that I had missed my outlet for that cathartic release at fitbloggin and I think I really needed it.

I like to say the fitbloggin people are my people, they just get me. But that’s not really true. I mean yes, they get me but most people ‘get me’. I am not that complex. Anyone I talk to can understand my past and how I choose to live my life.

Fitbloggin isn't 'my people' they are me. Not saying everyone there is just like me but in a sense they kind of are. Everyone there attends because some area of their life is driven around health and wellness. And then yes, there is a smaller group of people who really are just like me- lost a whole lot of weight and are living in maintenance mode. Or are currently trying to lose a whole lot of weight, because I’ve been there too, they are me too. Oh, and there are always a bunch of vegans thrown in the mix too which is also awesome because I don’t know a single vegan here in Pensacola. Or, for that matter, a single person locally who struggled with obesity and lives in the mindset of actively trying to prevent obesity from taking over again.

And it sucks because these people that do, my blogging friends and support team, I only get to see once a year.

And knowing that I still have 11.5 months before I get to see them again hurts.

And it makes me feel alone.

E is great though, he takes on both roles (boyfriend and friend) well. And I commend him for knowing when to let me cry it out and when to try and talk it out.

And last night I cried it out.

And it helped.

But I think there is more crying that needs to be done. More work to get to the root of the problem.

Last night I also thought a lot about the times in the past when I felt alone. When I let my weight isolate me from others or when I would move somewhere new and struggle with making friends and I thought how at least back then I had two of the best friends in the world, my doggies, to help me through it. I miss them so. I know some of my tears last night were for them. I still miss them every day. In my opinion, dogs really are man’s best friend. I know mine were.

I don’t really know what else to say. I am emotionally beat this morning. I am in desperate need of that perspective shift where instead of being sad over not having friends nearby I should be thankful for the amazing friends I do have that make me feel like distance is never an issue in our relationship. I shouldn’t grieve over losing my dogs (who are happily living with a family in Alabama) I should be thankful for having many, many years of happy memories with them. And instead of crying over being alone I should realize that I am never alone when I have my love by my side.

I know all of this. I know how lucky I am to have such amazing friends and family and the world’s best boyfriend. I know how fortunate I have been to be able to have two loving doggies, to travel to see the friends I miss, to have people in my life (both near and far) that genuinely care.  And 95% of the time I feel exactly that- happy and grateful.

But I am human. And those other five percent….well, it happens. 

And sometimes you just need to cry it out, write about it, and move on.

Love and hugs,



Wednesday, July 9, 2014

What I'm Afraid Of...

The other day I wrote that I am not afraid of failure and then alluded to the existence of something that does frighten me.

And then I ended the post there.


Nah, I wasn’t trying to build suspense. I just thought this topic deserved a post of its own. So here it is…

I am afraid of being complacent.

I already told you that I am lazy and since then I have been trying to be more active during the workday. And I am thankful that this need to move more drives my actions most days. Because honestly, I am afraid of the day that it doesn’t.

I am afraid of the day that the couch beats out the gym.

I don’t mean the day where I have an internal debate over whether or not I should rest or workout (because this happens almost all the time) but the day I just come home and plop on the couch and don’t give it a second thought.

And it’s not just exercise I am worried about, I worry about being complacent in every aspect of my life- what I eat, how I treat my friends, my work ethic.

I worry about reverting back to the days where I just ate. I ate with complete disregard to what I was eating, why I was eating, and how much I was eating. I just ate. And ate. And ate. I lived under the guise that I was ‘enjoying life’ which honestly is one of the worst excuses a person like me could have ever given as nothing about my behaviors or my actions coincided with truly enjoying life. When you break into a sweat just getting dressed it’s not enjoyable. When you skip out on events because your weight and physical capabilities limit your ability to participate (or leave you feeling embarrassed or ashamed, even if they shouldn't)  it is definitely not enjoyable.

I worry about the day when I morph into a mindless drone so caught up in what is happening inside that 5 inch screen and become completely oblivious to the world around me. I worry about becoming the person who can no longer hold meaningful conversations. The person that has completely forgotten how to live in the moment, be there for their friends, and have legitimate concern for others that goes beyond a Facebook post or tweet.

And I worry about the day when I stop caring about my job. The day when the decision to not put any effort in, to not go above and beyond, to not try my best and hardest, has already been made and I am just left an apathetic shell of a person.

Now, I know what you might be thinking- those things will never happen. You have nothing to worry about.

And I hope you are right.

I hope I have, finally, found the answer to how to be happy and successful in my life and that I will continue to grow and progress and change and challenge myself to be better.

Because I refuse to be complacent.

Because I lived that life.

That life left me almost 300 pounds (and steadily climbing) and absolutely miserable.

I didn’t want to do anything and didn’t care if that made me a lazy couch potato with achy joints that struggled just getting up and down a single flight of stairs or walking from one end of the block to the other.

I didn’t want to control my diet and I didn’t care if that made me fat even when that fat made it virtually impossible to enjoy my life. Even when it clogged my arteries and raised my cholesterol and made me tired just from being awake.

I had an easier time interacting only with people online and avoiding my in real life friends and I didn’t care if that caused me to miss out on life and ultimately lose touch with many amazing people.

And, sadly, there were days where I just didn’t care about my job. Days when the comfort of my bed, and its ability to shield me from the rest of the world, kept me from not only my responsibility as an employee but also kept me from something I loved.

So if you ask me what I am afraid of the answer is simple- that girl I once was. Because, in my opinion, (for whatever that’s worth) once you stop caring you are basically conceding that you give up on life.

And I, for one, do not want to give up on life…

Love and hugs-



Monday, July 7, 2014

I'm Not Afraid of Failure

I’m not afraid of failure.  

Let me explain why…

About 4 years ago my employer was one of the sponsors for a 5K in with proceeds raised set to benefit the Wounded Warrior Project. A bunch of my co-workers were going to be participating and I was encouraged to join them. I knew Paul (my ex-husband) would want to participate as well since he was big into running and in the military. So I signed up but made sure everyone knew I would be walking, just out there to support the cause and have fun with some friends.

This was my first official 5K.

I was close to 300 pounds at the time.

And…I finished last.

And guess what???? No one boo’d me. The crowds didn’t throw stuff at me or (possibly worse) even laugh at me. I wasn’t punished because I came in last. Seriously, there is no secret torture chamber for those who finish last. Trust me.

I finished, people applauded, the announcer called my name and that was that.

And I wasn’t embarrassed or ashamed. Or at least looking back on it I don’t remember ever feeling that way.

Actually finishing last was really no big deal. I didn’t treat it like it should have been and neither did anyone else. I crossed the finish line, walked over to grab a banana and some water, and talk to my friends…some of which finished in the top 3 overall. I was proud of them.

But I was also proud of me. I could have stayed home that Saturday morning. No one forced me to be there or participate. But I did it anyway. Even at my size, even during a point of time where weight loss and being active were the furthest things from my mind. I still did it.

I like to think back on that day whenever I am trying new things or setting new goals or coming up with crazy ideas that scare me as a reminder...

I think about how my life has been limited in the past because of my fear of failure and how unnecessary it was for me to let that emotion dictate my actions.

I think back on that 5K and am thankful for the chance to see what “failure” felt and looked like and how much it changed my life – for the positive.

I think back to how much I have learned and grown and changed and adapted and thrived because I have failed.

Failure is not something to be afraid of.

On the contrary, failure is necessary to truly live life.
Thanks google for this awesome quote!

This, my friends, is why I say that I am not afraid of failure.

But there is something I am afraid of (it scares me to my core) but that is a post for another time…

Until then, keep being awesome and never let the fear of failure (whatever you define it as) stop you from kicking ass in this life!

Love and hugs,



FMM: July 4th Weekend

If you’ve taken part in Friend Makin’ Monday (FMM) then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s questions on your own blog then add your link in the comments section over at: this way everyone over at Losing Weight and Having Fun can check out your responses. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to create your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts, too. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

1.       Did you grill food this weekend? If so, what?

Personally, no. I cooked some veggie burgers inside, on the stovetop. But the people I spent the holiday with did grill up hot dogs and hamburgers.

2.       Did you go to a parade?

Nope. No parade. Not sure if there was one where I was. I am guessing there probably was.

3.       Fireworks? Did you go to a display or have your own fireworks?

We did both and it was awesome! We lit some sparklers and threw some of those popper things and then had our own display at home for all the kids ( and me, the biggest kid) and took a break about halfway through to go catch the local display (which was amazing) before wrapping up the night with more fireworks at home. It was AWESOME!

4.       Did you have a special 4th of July outfit?

Not really but I did try to be somewhat patriotic with a navy and white skirt, blue/white scarf and a white shirt. I was going to wear my red chucks but it was warm so I stuck with my sandals. No, I did not wear any funky hats or flag pins or anything like that. I’m boring, I know.

5.       Who did you spend the 4th of July with?

I spent the 4th with E, his mom, both his sisters, his two BILs, his nieces and nephews and his BIL’s sister, her husband and their two boys.  There were 14 of us in total. It was a ton of fun!

6.       Did you stay home for the holiday weekend of did you go away?

A little of both. On Thursday after work we left Pensacola and drove about an hour east to where E’s mom lives. We spent Thursday night, Friday and most of Saturday there- with family. Then we headed back to P’cola Saturday evening and spent the rest of the weekend home relaxing and running errand and tackling house chores. Oh, and watching many episodes of House of Cards.

7.       What is your favorite part of the 4th of July holiday?

I love 4th of July, it has always been one of my favorite holidays. There is something about summer time holidays that are just so relaxing. I think it is the lack of formality. I love just sitting outside, drinking a beer, eating BBQ foods, playing games, and just having a great time. But I think my most favorite part of this holiday is the fireworks. I LOVE fireworks! I am so happy that I was able to see the city display and have our own private display. Most years I miss out on fireworks and that always leaves me really sad. This year was perfect!

The beach was a close second...

8.       Which holiday are you most looking forward to next?

Hmmmm, maybe Labor Day because it is a long weekend. But I am also looking forward to Thanksgiving this year. My parents are flying in from Philly and we are going to have a big holiday dinner with my family and E’s family. I am super excited for that. Especially because both moms are so similar, I think they are going to be fast friends J

How was your 4th of July? Are you still on holiday or are you back to the grind today?

Love and hugs,



Thursday, July 3, 2014

SOC: Fitbloggin' Edition

I feel like it is time for me to do a recap (of sorts) of my second Fitbloggin conference but I am not sure really what to say or how to start so I guess this will be more of a stream of consciousness style post than an actual recap.

First off though, I need to just say this (because this post may end up sounding sad or whiny or something not super upbeat and positive) that I truly did have an amazing time. No matter what I write, please know that I do not regret attending Fitbloggin, I did have a great time at the conference – the sessions and the time I spent with friends and I would do it all again. And I plan on it, next year in Denver.

However, that being said, this years’ experience was soooo different for me that I had to take a few days to really think about why. Now I know that each year my experience will vary and I didn’t come into this thinking that this year would be exactly like last. However, the big things I took away from last year- mainly the interactions that lead to some deep introspection- were missing. And because of that, my experience just wasn’t the same.

Which sucks.

Especially when you look forward all year for the chance to be around so many amazing people that help you progress in life.

Maybe my personal expectations were too high.

Maybe I just wasn’t in the right place to allow for the same type of experience.

Maybe I just did Fitbloggin’ wrong this year.

I don’t know. It could be all of those things. I have been thinking on this for days; a bit sad for missing out on an experience I was really wishing to have.

Again, I must reiterate, I did have a great time at Fitbloggin’. I am so thankful that I had the opportunity to meet so many amazing people, try so many new things, participate in some great workouts, and of course eat all of the yummy Savannah food.  It really was awesome.

But something was missing. There was a void and I could feel it.

Don’t get me wrong. I had fun. Oh so much fun! I went on a ghost tour, went kayaking, went to a drag show, took one of those old time photos, hung out with so many wonderful people, had amazing meals and enjoyed the beautiful Savannah parks. I collected no less than a million hugs and took almost as many selfies. I even met Jeff Galloway and got to spend a few minutes talking to him about running and my recovery. It was AWESOME!

But even with all of that amazingness I still felt a bit lost. I felt a bit disconnected. I felt a bit alone.

Even in a room full of people. Even when surrounded by laughter and smiles and welcoming, friendly faces I still (at times) felt out of place.

Fitbloggin’ will always be my tribe. Mah people. That will never change.

The people attending this conference have done so many amazing things. They are my inspiration, my role models, my peers, my community and most importantly my friends. I am beyond fortunate to be a part of this amazing collective. To me, fitbloggin’ feels like going home. It’s safe and secure and happy and loving and fun and all of the good words.

I don’t know. I feel like no matter what I write I am going to paint an inaccurate picture of this experience. I will sound ungrateful. I will seem cold or snobby.

But I am just being honest here. I just want to take a beat to write about what last weekend was really like for me. I wanted to reflect.

I wanted to take all of the magnificent chaos that is Fitbloggin, digest all of my experiences, and find what it really meant to me this year.

Last year was all about connection, acceptance, and coming to peace with knowing that I had lost ownership of my life and finding the courage to take it back. Last year was a big year for me. Monumentally big. It was probably unrealistic to expect anything to come close to that again.

What I walked away with last year allowed me to make some major life overhauls.

And it brought me to fitbloggin’ this year a different person.

And maybe fitbloggin’ 14 wasn’t the game changer that 2013 was…

But I like to think that’s because my life now needs no changing, no big overhauls. That 2014 Dacia is pretty freaking happy and in the best place mentally she has ever been. And because of that, fitbloggin’ 14 was about fun and new experiences and just living life and making the most of it all. And you know what, that’s pretty awesome too.

So I guess what I am trying to say that Fitbloggin' this year was different. And I think at first that difference resonated as disappointment. But when I look back I really must say that the difference is really a good thing.  And I should not look back on this year’s conference as what could have been but only look back as to what it was- a loving, welcoming, amazing experience that has made me a better person because I lived it. And this is exactly why I love to write these stream of consciousness posts, by the time I ‘talk’ it all out I usually end up finding my ah-ha moment.

And that my friends is a really great thing J

Love and hugs,


Tuesday, July 1, 2014

One Year Ago...

Today I saw a post from last year when I found out my mom had breast cancer and a resulting double mastectomy and I was immediately hit with a flood of emotions. Not because my mom is currently sick, she isn’t- she is (praise all the baby goats!) cancer free. And that is so awesome. But  I remembered that moment- the fear, the sadness, the uncertainty I felt when I heard that news. I was so scared. My mom is my best friend. We have always been super close and to think of her in pain or hurting was soul crushing. I am crying as I type this. To say that was a tumultuous few months would be an understatement.

And of course, as I reflected back on last summer and my mom’s surgery I thought about how I had a really rough stretch of like 6-8 months last year. Paul and I were in a pretty bad place early on in the year, then my mom’s cancer scare, then the separation and divorce and the whirlwind that ensued because of it. Some days I wonder how I survived it all. And somehow I didn’t just survive it; somehow I came out the other end in a much better, happier, safer place.

I am lucky.

Or maybe I’m not.

Maybe I am here, having persevered through the rough stuff, not because of luck but because of resolve.  As the world was crumbling down around me I never let the temporary bad stuff take me down. Yeah, there were tough times. There were a ton of tears. And of course moments of doubt. But by and by I relied on my optimism, my friends and family, and my beliefs to see me through.

So, where am I going with this?  Eh, I’m not really sure.  I just wanted to share with you this story.  A little glimpse inside where I was then and where I am now to show you how quickly and how dramatically things can change- both in a positive and a negative way.

I think it is so hard to see ‘the end’ or ‘the results’ or ‘the happy ending’ when we are bogged down in shit. Especially during those times when we have no escape from the day to day circumstances that are weighing heavily on our minds and instead force us to rely heavily on hope or faith that it will all be ok.

So I just wanted to say this- everything will be ok.

Maybe not today, maybe not next week but trust me- it will be.

Life isn’t always good. But know this; if you woke up this morning able to breathe and live your life freely then guess what? It’s not as bad as it might seem.

So today, a year after some of the most shocking and saddening news I have ever received, I am fortunate enough to be here telling this story. This sad story with a happy ending.

My takeaway from all this- it’s just temporary. Even the shitty parts that make you feel hopeless. They will pass. You are strong. You will be happy. Maybe even happier than you’ve ever been. Just don’t give up hope. Even when you can’t see the finish line have faith in knowing it is there.

And always know that you are loved.

Love and hugs-