Monday, December 22, 2014

The Behind the Scenes

Last year was crazy. Many highs and lows, ups and downs. Definitely a roller coaster. I didn't share many of the low points. I kept my behind the scenes to myself. Maybe this creates a false ideal of what my life was really like but trust me, I never did it to be misleading. I never wanted to portray myself in a false light. So today I decided to share a bit and explain some about the last year or so.

Divorce is not easy. Starting over- absolutely NOT easy. There were many, many times where I felt hopeless. Lost. Hurt. Disappointed. Ashamed.

I had this life, this arrangement, this way of living that was gone. Over. And in its place was something scary and unfamiliar. There were times where I wasn't sure how I was going to make it. I had to move out on my own and I didn't have much. I had to leave my dogs and a comfortable life I had built and walked away with practically nothing. I moved into a 300 sq foot efficiency. My trash can was in my living room that was also my bedroom. It was kind of a dump. But it was what I could afford. There were many nights I cried myself to sleep to the sounds of people fighting. My bathroom always smelled of pot. I would say I was living the life of a poor college student except the apartments I lived in in college were a million times nicer. 

And then there was my job. It was supposed to be temporary. I took a huge pay cut (almost 50%) for this job in order to be able to move to Pensacola. Since I only planned on being here a year or two I was ok with it. It wasn't a job in my field. It wasn't work I wanted to do but hey, it was just temporary. But now here I am and that job became the only thing I had. And I felt like such a failure. I felt like I was so far off this path I had wanted to be on, the path I once was on. I felt embarrassed and ashamed and that I let myself down. Here I was loaded down with student loan debt working a job that was not in my field, not my area of interest or expertise. Not what I went to school for. Not what I was passionate about. And there were many days that was a tough pill to swallow.

And I was alone. Thirty-six years old and starting over. Feeling like that maybe the best years of my life were alreay behind me and that those years, because of my weight and the limitations it put on me, were squandered away. I'm not going to lie, there were times I felt hopeless. Not sure where to go but feeling that I had hit bottom. 

But here's the thing...those moments- they were fleeting. Because no matter how shitty I felt I knew I had no right to vocalize them publicly. 

I had a roof over my head. It may have been a shithole but it was mine. And that was more than most people have. I had a home while others did not.

I had a job. Yeah, maybe it wasn't where I thought I would or should be at times but those moments passed when I realized all the perks this job offered (free tuition!)and that I had/have the best bosses and co-workers in the world. I had a job while others, so many others, did not. 

And I had an amazing life. Yes, there were nights I felt alone. Scared. Anxious. Because it was a huge change. And I missed my dogs (still do). And I didn't know what the future had in store. But I had family, friends and my health. I had so much love and so many amazing years ahead of me while so many others did not. 

I don't know why I decided to write about this today other than the feeling maybe I needed to explain myself. I am grateful, every day even when shit is so hard,  because I have more blessings than I deserve. I try to always stay positive because that's the person I was raised to be. It's not always easy but keeping a positive outlook makes living my life easier...if that makes sense. So I guess what I am saying is that my behind the scenes are probably similar to yours. I have my ups and downs. I am not always happy, my life is not always perfect. But it is my life and it is exactly how it should be. Maybe I should share more but I hate to dwell on the negative stuff. I will always prefer to share the good stuff and reflect on all I have in this world. I hope you understand.

And on that note, I wish you happy holidays. May you be able to celebrate this time with those you love. 

Love and hugs,