Sunday, March 9, 2014

An Identity Crisis...Sort Of

Some days I experience emotions that make me feel a bit....lost. 

Not necessarily that I am going through life without a sense of direction but more like I missed out on a huge chunk of my life.

Let me explain.

I am thirty-six but I feel like I have the life of a twenty-four year old. And to be fair the only reason I say 24 and not 22 is because I went to grad school.

Here is why I feel like a 24 year old. 

I drive a car that is financed, not owned.

I live in a one room efficiency, that I rent.

I am single.

I have no kids.

I have only been at my current job for a year. And to add insult to injury, not only am I not established in my career I make less than I did 7 yrs ago when I got my Master's.

I feel like over the last decade (more particularly the last 4.5 years since I left Boeing) my life was paused. During this time my friends got married, bought houses, had families.

Me- well, I did get married but you all know how that one played out.

And it's weird, talking about this to E. He is my age, well a couple years older, but his life (although single and kid free) is quite different than mine. He owns his car, has a decade worth of equity in his home, and has been at his job for 13 years. He is established.

Me- well some days (like today) I just feel like I'm floating. Not grounded. Not rooted. Just here. And it is a weird feeling.

I feel like I will be 50 years old by the time I feel like I have a 36 year old's life. And that makes me nervous. 

And sad.

And remorseful for the life I feel like I lost.

And I can't fix this. 

I don't know how. 

Or at least I don't know how, yet.

Yes, I realize that every 36 year old leads a different life. I have high school friends with kids that are making college plans and I have friends who openly admit they will never settle down, never have kids, etc.  It's a broad spectrum.

And I'm on it somewhere, seemingly more towards one end than the other.

And I don't write about this because I want pity or sympathy but instead I write simply because it is cathartic for me. Sometimes this is the best way for me to express these feelings. And through that expression I hope to find a solution.

Or at least a glimmer of hope that my 36/24 life is ok.

That this is where I am meant to be.

That I will be ok.

Because this is my life and it will only ever look like what I make of it.

I can't take back those years of my life where I felt stagnant. Those years I feel I wasted.

But I can vow to work on creating better years going forward.   

And being ok with my life the way it is. Because ultimately it doesn't matter how I perceive the state of my 'adulthood'. 

I have a roof over my head, a job, and people that love me. Everything else is just icing on the cake.

Right?

Dacia
xoxoxo




3 comments:

  1. Reading this put a tear in my eye. No, I am not felling pity or sympathy. I just wish you could see you as I see you. Who cares if you have a mortgage, or a paid for car. Look at these amazing adventures you are on. If you were a homeowner with hubby and kids you would never have be able to do all the things you do. How many trips have you been to this year alone. I'm not saying you can't feel you had stagnant years, but I feel those years led you to the amazing 36 year old you are.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Kathleen- you are exactly right. And when I stop and think about what my life today allows me the freedom to do it makes me so happy. I think the fear of being alone or living without a purpose can sometimes sneak in and make me question where I am but when all is said and done, I know I am exactly where I am meant to be. :)

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  2. I concur with you both.

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