Just wanted to check in with you after yesterday’s sobering post….
Today I am doing pretty well, believe it or not. Closure is definitely a good thing. My friend A and I were out to dinner last night and she told me how with divorce you cycle through the five stages of grief/loss since we react to divorce in a similar fashion to death. I thought about this a lot and I agree with her- I definitely went through those five stages.
I think that at first (for the last few months actually) I was in denial about the whole thing. Not that I was denying the fact that the divorce was imminent but that by trying to maintain a friendship with Paul and keep him in my life (because honestly I thought that was the best thing for us both) I was denying myself the right to move on, to turn the page or end the chapter or whatever metaphor you deem fitting. I was totally in denial of what divorce actually meant, what it really would be like.
Then, like a freight train, I entered into the anger stage on Monday and that went straight into Tuesday. I admit, I said a lot of unkind things to Paul. There were definitely times when I let my emotions take over me and the words, well they just kept coming. I just couldn’t turn it off. He took everything I said with a grain of salt, too, but that’s probably because he had acted the same way towards me at many points so he knew to be understanding.
The bargaining phase… well I think that one was short lived. I tried to reason to myself that if we could just get through this then ultimately we could remain a part of each other’s lives or if I just give him space/kindness/compassion/friendship/time/whatever then in the end he wouldn’t resent me or worse yet, hate me. But I can’t bargain for those things. It is what it is- I cannot control what will happen tomorrow or ten years from now. I can only accept this situation for what it is and move on.
When the anger was gone and I knew I couldn’t bargain with him for the outcome I desired well that’s when the depression set in. Depression is such a strong word though. I prefer to say sadness. I was really sad. For the first time I really felt just overcome with sadness. It was over, the marriage was over (which of course I knew) and going forward we would no longer be a part of each other’s world. That made me very sad knowing he was no longer going to be a phone call away. Sad that we wouldn't continue to share each others stories and life events. That we would stop being important and meaningful to each other. So, I cried. The ugly kind of crying…at work…just sitting there, hunched over my laptop crying my eyes out. I had to retreat to the bathroom where I hid in a stall and just let all the tears come, sobbing sounds and all. I cried and cried until it set in…until I reached acceptance.
Acceptance is what allowed me to say my goodbyes. To write yesterday’s post. To turn the page and end that chapter of my life. There is no more story of Paul and Dacia. It is over. Yes, writing that makes me sad, as it probably should, but only because there is a lot of history and memories I am leaving behind. That’s kind of a big deal. But yesterday, I laid them all to rest. I made my peace and now I move on.
Today is a new day, a fresh start and of course a blank page.
I don’t know what the future holds for me but I am not afraid.
Today I am excited to start writing my story, my next chapter. I cannot tell you how it all ends but I can tell you this- it is going to be AWESOME!
Also, I cannot thank you all enough for all the kind words and lovely sentiments I received yesterday. The outpouring was a bit overwhelming. It is because of you that I know my life has purpose and meaning and how I know it will be greater than I ever imagined possible.
Love and hugs and deep heartfelt thanks,
Saw this armadillo on my walk this afternoon....see you just never know where the day will take you...