Once upon a time…
I used to write about the not so serious stuff.
You know; the running, the riding…the theme of my blog…
So I feel like I should apologize that lately this blog has been a lot about my weight loss, the surgery, divorce, loss of friends, cancer…lots of sad and tough topics.
I swear I really am one happy person even if that isn’t evident lately in my posts.
So, here’s what I have been thinking, the thoughts piling up in my head.
Well, I am thinking about a few things actually…
1. Maybe I should change my blog name. I did this before when I was on WP. Kept the link, changed the name. Is that confusing? Should I just create a whole new blog? I know so many (I am guessing a large majority) of bloggers never change their name. But to me, it feels kind of natural. Last year I started R.R.R. and at the time that was my life. I was 100% focused on training; my days were running, riding, or a combo of the two. Now, those are just a small part of my life. Yes, I still love running. Yes, I still love cycling. But I have moved into this new chapter of my life (even before the divorce) where I am focusing on so many other things. Getting stronger, leaner, healthier. I see a nutritionist. I love my boot camp classes. I continually tweak my diet. I am also far more social. Long gone are the 4am alarms for training runs. I will take a Sunday morning hot yoga class over a long run any time. My life is about balancing it all; work, school (I’m working on a freaking doctorate- can you believe that???), health, fitness, relaxation, friends, hockey, and lots of beers. I feel like with this new chapter in my life there should also be a change here. Or maybe I am being a bit too overdramatic? Thoughts? Also, if you are so kind to comment on this idea- do I keep everything the same; twitter, FB, links and just change the header name OR a complete overhaul?
2. I need to take better care of myself. Last week (the first full week I 100% lived outside of the apt with Paul) was rough. And I kind of expected it to be. I mean, it’s difficult living with someone, even if it is just temporary, because it is hard for me to keep to my routine. My focus last week was trying to take care of the 9 million divorce related things I needed to do all while fighting a cold (which is almost gone, yay!), fighting a losing battle with a friend (which really took its toll on me) and trying to not be a nuisance to my temporary roomie all while stressed about my impending homelessness. I should note that Paul did not kick me out, nor did my temp roomie, I exaggerate when I say impending homelessness. I am just ready to be in my own place. To be settled. To start this next phase. It’s what all three of us need. Limbo sucks. You know? But because of the unusual circumstances of the week this meant I got in only two, yep TWO, workouts and my eating was sub-par. And by sub-par I mean not eating enough. My calorie intake was way too low. And my body felt it. Thankfully, by the end of the week it did get better. I was eating more, trying to focus on how I would get back into a routine this week, focusing on just trying to make the best decisions I could every day, and focusing on finding a place to live- which I did. The downside of a crazy week like this is that I lost 3 pounds. I am down to 153. Most people would be happy. Me, not so much. Those three pounds are gone because I didn’t take care of myself and that is a big warning flag. This week- I hope to gain a bit back. Eat better. Workout 5 times (that’s my goal). And hopefully move into my new place on Saturday. All while working on a huge project for one of my grad classes. Surprisingly enough, I am not too stressed over all of this. I have a plan for the week. And I am ready to kick some ass.
3. I am happy. Well, at least as happy as one person can be given the circumstances. I want you to know that. I am not locked away somewhere crying in my beer, feeling sorry for myself. Yes, at times I do get a bit sad. I get scared. It’s not always easy. But for the most part, especially with each passing day, it gets easier. I am more hopeful. I am happy. I am creating new memories, experiencing new things. And it’s good. I am focused on myself, my dreams. And there is so much less pressure when you only need to think of yourself. It’s a weird shift, its palpable the changes that are happening, but it’s good. It’s what I need right now. It’s what I need period.
4. I may or may not wake up Sunday morning and run a half marathon. We’ll see. I am still sick, I am moving on Saturday, I have a huge project due Sunday but it’s something I may still do. My friend Jodi is running it, it will be her first, and I told her I would run it with her. To help her through it. For support. To take pictures. To hold her water bottle. Whatever. Because I have ran all of mine alone. Some with no one there at the finish line. And it sucks. So, if I can, I will probably run the Pensacola half on Sunday. Because being a good friend needs to be one of my top priorities right now. It can’t always be about me all the time. Plus- it will be fun as hell doing this with her and I can certainly use more fun in my life!
5. One of my co-workers said to me the other day that I should write a book on divorce- she says she is totally impressed about how Paul and I are handling this entire situation. I give him all the credit. He has really been great throughout the whole process. I am lucky to call him my friend. Sometime soon, probably this week, we will receive our court date to finalize the divorce. We will just need to appear and say that we both still agree to the terms we set and that is that. The judge signs off on our papers and it’s over. Kind of crazy how fast it all happens. But I digress…the point I want make here is this; there are some people in my life that think Paul and I are handling this divorce in a good way, some people think we are doing it all wrong and would prefer for us to not maintain a positive relationship (yes, there are people that actually want Paul to cut all ties with me), and there are people that want to know every detail and criticize/question our choices. But the thing is, and I know I said this last week, how we handle the divorce is no one’s business but ours. We have to live this life. We are trying to do what is best for us both. Not everyone will see it that way. Not everyone will understand. Nor should they. We are all different; different ideals, beliefs, behaviors, and so not everyone will think we are doing what is best for us. So- I just want to reassure you (in case there was any doubt) YES, we are doing what is best for us. It’s not always easy but we both just want to walk away from this not broken. With the least damage possible. With good memories. Care in our hearts. And possibly a connection, in some form or another, that could last a very, very long time. I just wanted you to hear this, again, from me. So you know we are ok. We are surviving this thing the best we can. And we are doing what works for us. That has been our decision since day 1 and we are sticking to it.
Well, that’s a whole lot of words- much more than I planned on writing today but it’s good. It’s good to be able to fill you in on what is happening in my life. The last thing I want is for you to worry about me. I’m here. I’m good.
And one day soon…I’ll be great.