Yesterday...

This may be the most difficult post I will ever write.

And if you read this post last week you may have wondered what exactly I was alluding to.

Because there is no easy way to say it I will just start from this point- yesterday, Paul and I filed for divorce.

I may not write much about this going forward. It is deeply personal and involves two people, not just me.

I have discussed writing about this on the blog with him so he knows. You will not get details, just generalities as this is a private matter.

He and I have come to terms with this the best way we know how. We both accept responsibility for the state of our marriage, we both know that neither one of us is 100% at fault. We both are trying to not blame, point fingers or try to knock the other one down.

And although the disconnect between he and I has been broadening for some time now it doesn’t change the reality that walking away from someone after ten years is no easy feat.

We have an incredible amount of good memories. He has loved me, cared for me, supported me in ways no one ever has. He was my constant companion and my best friend, which is why I think the marriage lasted longer than maybe it should have.

I wish every day it was enough. That what we had was enough. I tried to make it so. I wanted to be there for him. To support him. To encourage him. To celebrate every victory. To cry together with every heartbreak but I just couldn’t anymore.

Because I realized being with him was selfish. At this point at least.

Because he needed more than what I could give him. He needed and deserved love.

So, we have decided to divorce now. Amicably. Instead of pushing through this for a few more years, one of us (or both) resenting each other and then having a nasty, hateful divorce.

It is not easy. There are a lot of tears. There is still a bond between us that may never break. And honestly, I hope it doesn’t. I hope that in ten years from now I look back on our life together with warm memories, thankful for having someone like him in my life.

I told him (somewhat jokingly) we may have failed in our marriage but let’s try to not fail at this divorce.

We try (and at times it is extremely difficult) to be civil, calm, respectful and understanding towards each other.  We know there will be, and has been, weeks , days, moments of sadness, hurt, anger, grief and that when we feel those emotions we take a beat.  A break. To not talk to each other with those heated emotions, to not say things we may regret.

And that happens. Yesterday I was an ass. I yelled a lot. In a parking lot of a Publix. Like a spoiled brat.

But Paul, being the understanding person he is, let me talk it out throughout the day and we took all those feelings and thoughts and turned them into much needed discussion points.

And when our therapist canceled our appointment for last night we decided we still wanted to talk face to face. So we went out to dinner together. To talk, to laugh, to share. To try and create some good memories.

Because I want him to look back on October 28^th and have something good to hold on to. October 28^th will always be the day that we filed for divorce but it will also be the day we ate together at Macaroni Grill, talked about the Red Sox winning game 5 (woot woot!), and shared a lot of laughs and of course a few tears.

So, please know that this decision to divorce is not one we entered into lightly. And just as details of two people’s marriage, and how they carry them out, are their decisions alone; so it is with a divorce. We are the only two people who know what we need, what we want from this and how to handle the decisions that get us there.  We are both beyond fortunate to have an amazing support system, as well as each other, to help us through this.

And we both thank you for all of your support, understanding and kindness moving forward.

Thank you!

XOXOXOXO

Dacia (and Paul)  

 

Taken October 28th, 2013...

Surgery Part 3: Well Now I Know...

Today has been a pretty great day. 

You know, just one of those days where everything just seems to fall into place. The stars align and whatnot.

It certainly doesn’t hurt that right now I am enjoying perfect Florida fall weather- high of 70, super sunny, cloudless sky…it’s amazing.

This gorgeous weather made for the perfect backdrop when I had to run outside of my office to take a call from the plastic surgeon’s office…

Yes, folks. Today I found out that insurance is covering my surgery. Huzzah!!!

And we were even able to set the surgery date. December 18^th! Less than two months away.

Holy crap!

Yep, it’s happening. In two months from now I will be a week post-op and hopefully recovering nicely.

I am so lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life who are willing (even volunteered without being asked!) to help me out during the recovery time. I am truly blessed.

And I promise to never take that for granted.

Thank you all so much for your continued support and for being here with me through this part of my journey. It’s not going to be easy but I know it will be worth it.

Faith

Today I feel very fortunate.

Not to say that I don’t feel this way most days. I do. I know how lucky I am and I try to never take that for granted.

But today…

Today I am overwhelmed with these feelings of gratitude and gratefulness.

It feels amazing to walk outside and feel the warmth from the sun against my face, the cool fall breezes against my skin.  I look around and see a million and one reasons to be thankful for this life. Thankful for where I am.

Even when life is hard I am thankful.

Maybe it is the challenges and struggles that make it easier to recognize the greatness of everything around me. Make me recognize how many things I have to be thankful for.

And I think even in the darkest of times it is important to hold onto that thankfulness, that appreciation, to help you not become so lost. So overwhelmed. So scared.

I read this sign the other day on the wall of my therapist’s office. It said;

“Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be.”

I have acceptance of what is. My path through this life has brought me here. This is where I am meant to be. I accept that. Openly. Honestly. Whole-heartedly.

I have worked very hard to let go of what was. Those things I cannot change. Those things that have shaped and molded me and made me the person I am today. I have no regrets. I no longer live in the past, longing for once was. I am here, today, now. This is my life. And it is awesome.

I NEED to have faith in what will be. Most days I do. I am nothing if not an overly optimistic person and I have floated through my life on the ideal that everything will work out in the end. I believe that to be 100% true. Today, though, as my life has started to change into something completely different, I step into the unknown leaving behind my safety net. And because of this I need to remind myself (over and over) to have faith in what will be.

I just need a little faith.

Because there really should not be a single doubt in my mind that I am destined for something great. My life is, has been, and will continue to be amazing.

And for that I am grateful.

Surgery Part 2: I Still Don't Have an Answer

I still don’t have an update as to whether or not my insurance company will approve the request from the surgeon to cover the panniculectomy. I actually called today and the surgeon’s office is waiting on a letter to send off and so their request probably won’t even make it to my insurance until Monday or Tuesday. Eh, it’s ok. I was planning on it taking closer to 6 weeks to hear back so I am not too concerned…yet.

In the meantime, as I patiently sit here and twiddle my thumbs, I thought I should start documenting some before photos. My own before photos- the surgeon has plenty of me already- so I have record for comparison purposes, you know?

Side note: one of my biggest regrets is not having really documented the beginning of my weight loss very well. I don’t have any pics from 02/2011 (the furthest one back I have is from a few months later) nor did I take any measurements. Lesson learned. In the grand scheme of things this is quite inconsequential.

After the last post about the surgery (you can read it here) I received so much wonderful feedback. What can I say, you guys are awesome. And that made me incredibly happy.

And I have been told many times from friends and loved ones that I don’t need the surgery- and that is true…to an extent.

There is a clear medical need for this procedure which is why my current and previous primary care docs have been pushing for it.

I tell you that it is bad, the chaffing, the sores, but you don’t see that (you know, since I tend to wear clothes while out in public) so it’s hard to understand.

So today I decided I would share with you some of what will probably become ‘before’ pics so you can get a better idea what I am dealing with.

Full disclosure- if you don’t want to see what someone who has lost nearly 130 pounds looks like practically nude I would close your browser now.

And please understand that it is hard for me to post something like this. It makes me vulnerable. Most people (99.9%) have never seen this part of my weight loss. But I wanted to share. Because it is a part of me. Just like all the other random shit I write about. I hope you understand.

 

 

Happy Friday wonderful people! <3

I'm Not Sure Why...

Yesterday I read a post on FB where someone asked (in a completely non-judgmental way) why is it that women are so critical of each other, why do we feel the need to tear each other down?

I wish I knew.

It sucks. I try really hard to not fall into that pattern of behavior. I don’t want to judge anyone or criticize anyone or belittle anyone. Period.

And I certainly don’t want to do any of those things because I am not ok with something going on inside my head or some ‘flaw’ I see in myself. I don’t want to project my own shit onto others.

I think I do a pretty good job. I try to be loving and accepting and kind to everyone. It’s not always easy and it takes allowing yourself to be vulnerable to do so but I believe it’s totally worth it.

I also try not to get caught up in behaviors or actions that could be seen as fat-shaming, skinny-shaming,  any type of shaming you can think of... and really instead try to focus on acceptance of people as is. As humans. For what they bring to this world. For what makes them awesome and unique and all that good stuff.

Again, not always easy BUT I think keeping a positive outlook helps. That and the fact that I want others to treat me with the same respect and kindness. It feels good. Everyone should know what it feels like to have people care about them, respect them.

That’s how I am…

Or at least the person I am trying to be every day.

I don’t know why some women act in a hurtful manner but it makes me sad.

We deserve more. We deserve love and respect, not hate and ignorance.

Not just women- all humans.

We should treat others as we want to be treated, right?

So today, for me, please take a minute to tell some women in your life (family, friends, co-workers, strangers, etc.) something nice, kind, warm, caring. Something to let them know that they are truly awesome. That they are worth love and respect and kindness. It takes very little effort to say something nice but the reward for doing so (both for you and them) is immeasurable. So why not?

Let’s just try to spread a little more love and a little less hate today, ok?

Thank you!

Dacia

Wordless Wednesday: New Orleans

My apologies to those of you that are also friends with me on FB...I am pretty sure I posted all of these pictures over the weekend. Feel free to ignore this post if you think you have seen enough NOLA pics to last you a lifetime. ;)

ABITA- brewery tour and brew pub

 



 

More Beer!

 

 

FOOD!

 

 

 

LOTS OF FUN!!!

 

 





FMM: All About the Blog

It’s been awhile since I have participated in Friend Makin’ Mondays- I’m not even sure I have since I started this new blog- but I loved these questions and wanted to share with you my responses. Plus I just spent most of my weekend in NOLA with Kenlie (more on that later, so stay tuned) so I am definitely feeling quite inclined to participate in something that is important to her.

If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section over at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Make sure you share your link over at All the Weigh so everyone can see your responses. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

All about the Blog

1.       How long have you been blogging? I started blogging in February of 2011- so about 32 months, give or take. This blog, however, is relatively new still. I have only been Run. Ride. Repeat. since August of 2012.

 

2.       What is the overwhelming theme of your blog? At first I think the idea behind this blog was for me to share my adventures in running, cycling and any other type of fun active stuff- you know, kind of moving away from the weight loss theme of my previous blog. I was changing my focus and my life and I wanted a blog that better reflected that. Now though, I think the theme of my blog is just all things Dacia. I pretty much write about anything/everything in my life and so far no one has really complained about the lack of dedicated running/riding posts lately so that’s good.

 

 

3.       Have you connected with people in person after meeting them through blogging? YES! And I love it! I attended Fitbloggin’ this past June and I met so many wonderful people there that I had ‘known’ for so long (and met a ton that I hadn’t known, too, which was equally awesome) and it was the best thing. I have been lucky to have met other bloggers here in town as well as through my travels back home and when I was in Boston and even this weekend in NOLA and have been able to share alot of one on one time, which is great. Being able to meet people that I have connected with on so many levels, people that inspire me and motivate me, people that have been my light at the end of the tunnel is pretty freaking amazing!

 

Feed Me I'm Cranky, Brooke: Not on a Diet and me at Fitbloggin' 2013  

Bein' E-Rizzy, me and Feed Me I'm Cranky also from FB 13!

13.1 Miles to Disney and me just before Color Me Rad in Mobile

 



With the beautiful All the Weigh in New Orleans

 

4.       What do you enjoy most about blogging?  Most- that’s a tough one. I would say I really love blogging because it’s a place for me to be myself, an outlet for all the random crap inside my head, for the support and for this wonderful community of friends blogging has led me too. It’s awesome!

5.       How often do you blog? Probably not enough. Not nearly as much as most other bloggers. I aim for a few times a week. Sometimes I only get in one post, sometimes I can squeeze in 4 or 5. It really depends on how busy I am and the fact that I rarely post on the weekends doesn’t help. I know I should write more frequently, and I want to, but it really isn’t my first priority- you know?

 

6.       Share one thing that you don’t like about blogging. Personally, sometimes it is hard for people who don’t know me (and sometimes even those who do) in real life to sense the tone I am writing in. That’s true for everything though right? Texts, emails, etc. it is hard to gauge the writers tone. So sometimes I worry people misconstrue what I am meaning. But that is life and unless I want to do all video blogs I really can’t change that.

 

 

7.       Do you talk about your blog in everyday life? Yes and no. I mean, it isn’t a secret but I don’t really talk about it with everyone. All of my friends know about it and some even read it but a lot of my coworkers and probably most of my family don’t.

 

8.       What is the coolest and most unexpected thing that has happened to you as a result of blogging? I lost 125 pounds and made some of the most amazing friends along the way. I have found self-love and acceptance. I am the happiest I have ever been. I am strong, adventurous and willing to take risks. I am living an active and healthy life. And all of these things happened because I started blogging.

 

 

9.       Are there topics that are off-limits on your blog? If so, name a few… I will openly discuss pretty much anything on the blog that pertains to me. I try to not talk about anyone else though. With permission I have talked about my family and my mom’s cancer. I will probably never discuss private details of my marriage, or any relationships for that matter, since those are not mine to share. You can ask me anything Dacia related and more than likely I will tell you. :)

 

10.   If you could accomplish one thing through your blog before the end of this year, what would you want to accomplish?  This is a tough one. I would like to be able to help people the way others have helped me so that is always an underlying goal of pretty much everything I do.  Other than that, I have some ideas but nothing I have set in stone.

Just Some Thoughts...

It’s weird living in Florida now. Well not really Florida per se, but somewhere new. See, I moved here in February looking pretty much the same as how I do today. My coworkers don’t know 286 pound Dacia, they never met her. They only know this Dacia. They think I am active, and probably always have been. They think I am a healthy eater, and probably always have been that too.

I don’t keep my past from anyone intentionally but how do you bring it up. What is the segue….oh, you think you need to lose weight? Well I lost 125 lbs. so I know how you feel.

Not quite.

Not saying that there aren't people in Pensacola that know my story, or at least some of it. There are.

I do share. Even with co-workers.

When it has come up.

I kind of unintentionally but kind of intentionally wait for people to ask me about it, instead of just openly discussing it. Which is weird…because I am a blogger. I tell all of the interwebs about all of my shit.

I don’t know. I guess it’s because you choose to come here and read it. It’s kind of like your way of asking.

Does that make sense?

Anywho….my point (yes, I do have one) is that today I shared with a co-worker part of my story. She was floored. She had no idea. And as we talked about the how and the why and all that good stuff she said she had never met anyone who had done this- lost a lot of weight. Not without weight loss surgery.

And I was surprised.

Really? I thought- you have never met anyone who has experienced a large amount of weight loss through dietary changes and exercise?

Nope.

I couldn’t believe it. I feel like I know a hundred people, probably more, who have done the same as I. It seems so common. Such a familiar thread.

But is it really?

Actually, as I thought about it all the people I know who have been through this and how I know  them because of blogging or through their WW success stories or through social media-probably because of something weight loss related. I know them because I actively sought out others who were/are going through a similar journey. And I am so happy to be apart of this collective but man, sometimes it makes my world seem much smaller.  

Which is awesome. I love being part of this community.

But it makes it easy to forget that I am part of something bigger. My reach is not just this group of weight loss bloggers but to my friends and family and co-workers and pilates friends and boot camp partners and classmates and neighbors. That there are people both inside and outside of my bubble that see me as an inspiration. That are motivated by what I am doing. People amazed by accomplishments. And that’s crazy.

And humbling.

And something I never expected.

And it makes me cry almost daily anymore.

Good, happy tears.

The ‘how the hell did I get so damn lucky’ kind of tears.

I don’t know why I decided to write this other than it is just something in my head right now.

Also, it’s a great reminder for me to stop and say thanks to all of those around me; here on the blog and in my every day life, for making my life what it is today.

Thank you for making me feel special every day.

Thank you for being my friends, cheerleaders, shoulders to cry on, sounding boards and of course for being the coolest people around. You make my bubble awesome!

Do You Know What Today Is???

Today is my two year vegan-versary…that’s a thing right?

Two years ago I made a decision (based off of feedback I found from mindful eating and food journaling) to eliminate all animal products from my diet. At least temporarily…you know, to test it out.

My decision was made for health reasons.

After a few months it became clear to me that this was how I wanted to live and my choice to continue on as a vegan shifted more to ethical reasons as well.

Now, two years later, as a healthier and fitter version of the 2011 me I know that I could easily incorporate meat back into my diet (at least in small amounts)- but I honestly don’t want to.  

I love being a vegan.

It works for me.

It’s not for everyone. We are all different. I totally get that.

But for me, and my tree-hugging, animal-loving, let-me-check-barnivore-to-make-sure-my-beer-is-vegan self, it’s the best decision I ever made.

And so two years later I celebrate that choice.

With a nice big bowl of farro & bean stew and an ice cold New Belgium beer

 

This one is for you Erika! 

 

Surgery: Part 1

Hi everyone! I just wanted to give you a quick update from today’s consultation with the plastic surgeon. So here is goes…

After a two hour appointment consisting of a million questions (I was armed and ready with a pretty long list), an evaluation (with me in my skivvies), and a photograph session (still in my skivvies...) my plastic surgeon is compiling a request for approval from my insurance company for my surgery. Even though the insurance company may cover the procedure (yes, there is still a possibility my insurance might not cover this) they need evidence in order to make a decision. The surgeon will submit a letter from his office and one from my primary care doctor explaining the medical need for the procedure along with the photos taken today. The downside of this is that the approval for the procedure is at the discretion of the insurance agent reviewing it and even though I meet all the criteria (most important one being that my skin hangs into my pubic region- yes, one day I will share pictures in case you are curious as to what that looks like) my insurance can still deny the claim. Even though I am healthy, have maintained this weight loss for almost 2 years, I am active, and take care of myself AND I have a legitimate need for this procedure- they can still say no. So that kind of sucks BUT I am staying optimistic. It will all work out as it should. Oh, and in case you are wondering it will take anywhere from two to six weeks to hear back from the insurance company. Ugh! More waiting.

Now as far as the procedure itself goes, I learned today that most insurance companies cover only what is called an abdominal panniculectomy which is for the area below the belly button.  This is covered because there are medical issues (chafing, open sores, trouble urinating, even yeast infections) associated with having skin that hangs over the pubic region. The area above the belly button is considered cosmetic only and therefore not covered by most insurance companies. An abdominoplasty covers both regions.  Both the panniculectomy and the abdominoplasty are made from the same incision and I can, in fact, have the panniculectomy (if approved) and the top half/abdominoplasty done at the same time. I would just have to pay out of pocket for the top part- which we got a quote for. Not cheap but doable. Pretty much what I thought it would cost.

My surgeon really emphasized the fact that if I have the lower half done but not the top half I will be really unhappy with how I look. And I agree. Especially after he showed me basically how much will be removed from my lower area, you know by pinching and pulling and poking. I also asked about lipo, a question a friend who underwent these types of procedures told me to ask, to which I was told that I don’t have anything to lipo out. That pretty much everything I see is just excess skin and when it is all removed and the underlying fascia is tightened I will see how very little fat I have in the area. That was crazy to hear but  he told me to think about the fact that I lost a whole person’s worth of weight and how I shouldn’t  be surprised that it left me with a whole person’s worth of extra skin.

I also asked about the timing of this all. As I mentioned previously about wanting to do this around Christmas since it would coincide with the university being closed. The surgeons there work through the holiday season, for the most part, and I was assured that even if it takes 6 weeks to hear back from the insurance company I would still be able to schedule it around the holiday. So that is really great news for me. Once we hear back from the insurance company I will be able to schedule the surgery that same day and the surgeon’s assistant told me she would do everything possible to get me in on or as close to the date I wanted. Yay!

I will definitely do another post where I write up all the questions, answers and discussion points from today’s appointment but for now I just wanted to get something out there so you all know what is going on. I will tell you this that the doctor told me (and Paul, who surprised me at the appointment) that I was a perfect candidate for the procedure and when asked what I needed to be doing to prepare for it, so I can have a successful outcome, he told me to just keep doing what I’m doing.

Please feel free to ask me any questions you want about this. I know that this surgery is pretty off topic for this blog but it is kind of a big deal and will be a big part of my life for a while- especially when I am immobile and there will be no running or riding. Lol!

September Recap and October Goals..

September has come and gone.

Already!

I know, right? Can you believe it is October 1^st? I certainly can’t.

Today Paul and I were discussing Christmas savings and shopping.

Unreal!

Anywho, I had set some goals for September so I thought I should put together a recap of the results as well as set some goals for October. I am sure you are all curious how this past month went for me (I could tell you were waiting with bated breath for the results J ) and let me just tell you – I killed it. September was a month full of tracking (every single day!), activity, and lots of really great adventures. This past month, everything just kind of fell into place and it was awesome. Yeah, of course there were some rough spots and not every day was easy but I felt more in control and on track than I have in a while and that was a really good thing.

My September goals were as follows:

·         Get down to (or at least work towards) 165 lbs.

·         Average 10,000 steps a day/ 300,000 steps for the month

·         Feel comfortable in my size 6 work pants

·         Create a weekly workout/activity plan and stick to it

·         Try out one new recipe a week

On September 1^st, I weighed 171.0 pounds. Today (and yesterday too) I weighed 162.2 pounds. Yeah, I thought 165 lbs. was pretty much a stretch goal so I was beyond floored when I spent the last two weeks of September under 165. Even better than the number itself was getting back to a weight where I feel comfortable in my skin and in my clothes. Big yay there!

My fitbit stats for the month were 436,678 steps (approximately 192 miles, in case you were curious) and an average of 14,556 steps a day. I am super excited that I exceeded this goal by almost 50%. This daily/monthly step goal keeps me moving and I love it. I feel so much better when I can get in more walking throughout the day.

Not only did I lose pounds this month I lost inches as well. 1.5” off my waist (31” to 29.5”), 1” off my hips (41” to 40”) and 1” off my thighs (24” to 23”) so yes- my work pants fit great. Actually, they are back to being too big. Last week I even wore size 6 jeans (which have been too tight on my thighs) and was pretty floored by how much my body changed over the month.

Each Sunday I created a workout/activity plan for the week. For the most part, I stuck to it. Yeah, I moved things around and there were a few times where I opted to be social instead of being active but for the most part I stuck to the plan. I would say 85% of the time. And you know what, that’s good enough for me.

I definitely did a good job with the new recipe goal. I tried out all sorts of new recipes; chickpea sloppy joes, quinoa chili, quinoa and steel cut oats, quinoa and black bean burgers (yeah, I eat a lot of quinoa…lol) and baked tempeh to name a few. This month was filled with good eats.

So for October I am going to try and keep with the same theme for goals:

·         Get down to (or at least actively work towards) 158 pounds. No real reason for this number other than it is about a 1 pound loss per week which seems like a reasonable goal.

·         Track every day! I think I am an old pro when it comes to meal plans so this month I am focusing on tracking every day- the good, the bad and the ugly :)

·         Hit 10,000 steps a day, every day and total 200 miles for the month!

·         Don’t drink more than twice a week. I love craft beer and couldn’t imagine a life without it but beer is just empty calories so I would like to try and limit my drinking to twice a week which for the most part I do. BUT I am going to NOLA next week…that will be my test :)

·         Yoga/Pilates Barre/Boot Camp – 15 classes in total. These are my three favorite things right now so my goal is to get in 15 classes throughout the month. Especially the Barre classes. I have been out of practice for the past month and on Saturday I went back in for a class. It was nice. Felt like home.

What do you think? These seem like realistic goals, right? Do you have any goals for October?