My Daily Reminder

Have you heard the saying (I’m paraphrasing here) that we are too busy chasing happy to realize we are already happy?

I don’t want to live my life chasing happy. I want to recognize every day that I already am.

Sometimes I get so focused on the end goal that I overlook the adventure of getting there.

I don’t want to get that laser focus, tunnel vision on my goals and forget about how much fun and how much awesome is happening while I am working on getting there.

And I admit, that I can sometimes (more than I would like to admit) get caught up in how other people are living their life, their fitness game, their end results.

I don’t want to waste my days ‘Keeping Up with the Jones’. I don’t. I want to be enough. I want to be OK.

Guess what?

I already am.

Actually, I am pretty fucking awesome.

So why is it so hard to recognize this? Or better yet, why is it so easy to forget this? Oh so many reasons.

But mainly it boils down to this. I am surrounded by awesome. So. Much. Awesome.

My friends and family are out there kicking ass- running marathons, having babies, becoming doctors. You name it. Each and every person I know is just killing it at life. And sometimes it makes me want to do all the things and be just like them. Could you blame me? I may be awesome but they are so much awesomer so I need to do better, be better, be more awesome, right????

NO! Not right!

I am awesome at being Dacia. I have got Dacia down pat. I can be a more awesome Dacia but only by improving and adjusting and tweaking the current Dacia….NOT BY TRYING TO MIMIC SOMEONE ELSE.

And that- that right there ^^^ is what I need to remember. I can be a better me, but only by being better at being me.

Today I write this as a reminder to myself.

I AM HAPPY

there is nothing for me to chase

MY PATH IS WHAT DEFINES ME AND BRINGS ME JOY

not the destination

BEING ME IS ENOUGH. IT IS OK. IT IS AWESOME. I AM AWESOME.

and you are too!

What is something you need to remind yourself of today?

Love and hugs,

Dacia

xoxoxoxo

Love and Hate: A Guest Post

My friend Racheal reached out to me to ask if she could write something for my blog. She told me she had been inspired by my blog but that there is something more now to that inspiration and she wanted to share it with my readers. I, of course, said yes. It was both humbling and exciting to even have been asked. Racheal has been a part of my life for over 8 years now and with me throughout my journey since very early on. I am beyond thrilled to share her story with all of you :) 

I have spent most of my life disliking the way I look. From a young age, I had been told by my family and the kids at school that I was overweight, that I was fat. Hearing this repeatedly, especially from the people in my life that are supposed to love me unconditionally, helped me learn and adopt several bad behaviors. The first, to dislike myself and the second, to have a bad relationship with food. By the time I was 16, I had successfully learned how to use food to make me feel better and that if you eat too much, you can never lose weight. Along with that, the message that "fat girls don't get married" became a regular thing that my mother said to me. So as most teenagers do, striving to fit in and being extremely aware of my size (my first driver's license listed my weight at 235 pounds), I pretty much stopped eating. I saved my lunch money daily and bought cd's instead of lunch and didn't each much for dinner. After having this kind of behavior for two years, I gained 18 pounds and graduated from high school at 253 pounds. And you know what, I still hated the way I looked.

In college, I tried different weight loss diet plans. Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, the drops, and so on. You name it, I tried it. I still managed to gain weight despite trying to follow these programs as well as any college kid can. And I still hated the way that I looked and the way I felt about myself. But I did enjoy my time in college and made some really great friends. 

After graduation, I moved out on my own with my first real job to start my career. I went back to Weight Watchers, because I figured life was different now. I wasn't reliant on the school cafeteria anymore and I could cook my own food. This time around with this program, it was different. I lost almost 60 pounds over the course of about a year. And you would think that I would feel great about myself and my accomplishment. But I didn't. I still didn't care much for the way I looked. I still saw myself as the 286 pound woman that I was the year before even though my clothes were significantly smaller and I was starting to shop in the Misses department. I really didn't know why I was so unhappy with myself. I mean, I had grown up being told how my life's happiness would come from losing weight. But it wasn't. I mean, I had a good job, amazing friends, supportive family, a great place to live, and most importantly, aside from my weight, I was in good health. What more could I ask for? 

2007

What more could I ask for? I repeat the question intentionally. From the outside, I felt like everything should be perfect. From the inside, I still hated the way I looked. I hated my body. And for the next 8 years of my life, I would continue feeling the same way. I even got married in that time, advanced my career, had some amazing experiences that most people could only dream of having. And yet, deep down, I wasn't happy with myself. I was still an overweight woman and even though fat girls do get married, this fat girl still had major apprehension about her body. 

2010

A few years ago, Dacia reached out to me and shared a link to her blog with me. I started reading her blog, and what she had to say really resonated with me. I could relate and for the first time, I felt like someone else got how I felt about myself and what I was going through. Even sitting through those Weight Watchers meetings, I felt like no one understood my journey and the mountain I felt like I was facing. And of course, through her blog, I started reading others, and a lot more books, articles and magazines about health and weight loss. There was one common theme that I kept seeing. Anyone can lose weight, but not everyone can keep the weight off. Those that have kept the weight they lost off have been the ones that have learned to love themselves as they are.

Learn to love myself as I am. That seems simple enough. I mean, I love my personality, my ability to do my job really well, how I build relationships, and so on. But here's the thing, that's all the stuff that's on the inside. Not once have I ever loved my outside. So now here's another tough question that I had to figure out. How do I love my outside when I've spent a lifetime hating it? 

How do I love my outside when I've spent a lifetime hating it? I agonized over this question and how to answer it for the longest time. I read more about health and weight loss. I grasped at every topic even closely relating to this topic. I even considered bariatric surgery to help me learn to love my outside (this consideration did not last long for me, not that there is anything wrong with it, it's just not for me). I was almost obsessed and still striving on some level to "lose weight to feel better about myself." But I already knew that this wasn't the answer. I'd lost weight before (that 60 pounds I lost, I gained it all back along with 20 more) so how would losing weight again help me love myself? It doesn't. Weight Watchers even told me repeatedly that as you lose weight you'll start to love your new body. I started to hate my body even more as I had lost the weight. I mean, almost every part of me between my shoulders and my thighs was covered in stretch marks and my boobs were starting to sag something fierce. This was like a new barrier in my mind even. I mean, how could you love looking like you have the skin of a senior citizen when you are in your early 30's? 

This past November, I tore the ACL in my right knee. I had surgery in March to reconstruct it, just so that I could walk enough for my job daily, let alone anything else. During the first 3 months of recovery, I learned how to answer the question. So how have I learned to love my outside when I've spent a lifetime hating it? It all started with having this surgery. Instead of being angry about everything that I couldn't do, I appreciated what I could do. This started with the littlest of things, being able to get into the car to go home from surgery without bending my one knee. The people at the hospital honestly thought they were going to have to do more to help me, and when I realized after the drugs wore off that I did that all by myself (mostly), I was proud. This appreciation and pride in my body started so small, but kept going. Every day was something new. I could get myself in and out of the bed by myself, shower by myself (if you think climbing over the side of a tub while on crutches and with a knee that doesn't bend is easy, think again), and so on. This appreciation and pride that was growing helped me tell my husband daily that we were not having fast food for dinner, we were going to have something home cooked and healthy. 

I sit here now, 3 months post op, and I am in a very different place with myself than I could have ever imagined I would be because of that whole thing. But honestly, finding that appreciation of my body and what it could do has really helped me drastically change the way that I feel about myself. I love my outside just as much as the inside. And as that change has taken place, all of my choices have changed drastically. I opt for healthier food because it's what I want, not because it feels like a chore. I exercise because it's actually fun and not a chore, even doing some of the things that I hate doing are more fun. And I'm realizing with the 12 pounds that I've lost since I had knee surgery that if I wouldn't have found this love for myself that I think my health would be greatly suffering.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to say that anyone should have knee surgery, or any other kind of surgery, to find their appreciation or love of themself. What I am saying is that you should take the time to look at what you can do and appreciate that about yourself. Even if it's something as little as getting in and out of the car, or as much as running a marathon. It takes time. Day by day, being proud of all those little things that you can do adds up and makes a difference. 

2015

I hope you enjoyed reading Racheal's story as much as I did. As you know, I am an advocate for self love and body acceptance at any/every size- I feel that is the key to being able to lose and then maintain weight loss for me. I am super excited to be able to support Racheal along on her journey the way she has done for me. So please send some love and encouragement her way - talking about the tough stuff on a public forum is not an easy thing to do. This girl definitely has chutzpah! 

Love and hugs,

Dacia

xoxoxox

How to Feel Good Enough

I named this post ‘How to Feel Good Enough’ because honestly you/me/we are already good enough. We are. As is. Right now. We are good enough. But I know that I often struggle with how to FEEL good enough. Some days it is a battle against myself (my monkey mind) or a battle to not fall into the comparison trap (or dig myself out of it) that keeps me from feeling not good enough. Which sucks. Especially when I am such a huge advocate for acceptance and self-love and I know that both of those things are primary reasons that I have been able to change my life, get healthy, lose weight, find the real me, etc. So on the days when I am hating on myself it’s like doubly bad because a) that’s a shitty way to feel and b) it kind of goes against who I am.

That being said, I am a human. I get all the feels- even the not so great ones. And it is honestly not the easiest thing to be kind and loving to myself every day after spending many, many years treating myself like shit. There is still a part of me that is the voice of shame, doubt, insecurity, hate, and fear that shows its head every now and again. And I just have to do my best to quiet it.

What helps….

Knowing that I am taking care of myself. Every day I am making decisions that put my health and wellness (mental and physical) first. No, I am not perfect. I am far from it. But I know that rest days and self-care are important. Walking in the park or gardening or playing with the puppy are activities just the same as running or hitting the gym and I am ok with doing any/all of them. I treat myself better and have more respect for myself than I ever had. That helps to quiet the voice.

Understanding where I was then, where I am now, and the journey I have taken to get here. There is no finish line, end goal or final destination for me. There is just taking each day and trying to live it to the best of my ability knowing that the paths I have taken along the way have helped prepare me for this. You don’t have to be a weight loser or maintainer to understand growth through change. Every day that we wake up and take care of ourselves, help others, try to make a difference (no matter how small) and offer up a smile or a hug or some compassion or empathy is a day spent living the good life. A life only achieved through growth and change.  When I get frustrated with all the negative I have to really stop and think about the positive; how lucky I am, how great life is, and how much I can offer the world even if just a smile. That helps to quiet the voice.

Forgiving myself for past wrongdoings and letting go. Some days the reason behind my ‘not good enough’ feeling is because I am harboring guilt or resentment or shame from something in the past. I can’t fix it, it’s already done. I have to learn from it and move on. I know I can be a better person, I just have to forgive myself for the past and try harder in the future. That helps to quiet the voice.

Reflection on current goals and priorities helps offer up the perspective needed to help create a positive mind shift. Every time I let someone, or let myself, make me feel like I should be skinnier, faster, stronger, smarter, whatever, I am not giving them more self-worth I am only lessening mine. Which is dumb. Because I am awesome. And so are you. So, when this happens I think about my life and my current priorities. Would I like to be able to do an unassisted pull-up? Of course! Can I? Absolutely not. Does that make me less of a person because I can’t? No way. And I shouldn't feel that way. I don’t spend my time training to be able to do pull-ups so there is no reason why I should be able to do one. Mad props for anyone out there who can do them but I am not one of those people and that is ok! Would I like to be able to write a book? Of course. Do I spend any time or effort devoted to this endeavor? Not at all. Should I feel crappy because I have not written a book? NO! Why should I? Writing a book is not my priority. Nor is weight loss, qualifying for Boston, or bench pressing my body weight (to name a few) so I shouldn't wake up one day feeling terrible because I am neither thinner, faster or stronger. I have no expectations to do any of those things and in turn I should not feel bad about myself, or lessen my self-worth, because others can. I know what my priorities are (and they change pretty frequently) and I am ok with focusing on those solely because they are the key to the life I currently want to lead. I need reflection, to see the choices I am making and how they are bringing me closer to my goals and helping to build the life I want. That helps to quiet the voice. 

That little voice inside your head that says you aren't good enough is a liar

Love and hugs,

Dacia

xoxoxoxo 

My "Rules"…Part Two

Hey! Welcome back! If you missed yesterday's post (My "Rules"…Part One) I encourage you to take a minute and give it a read. This post is a continuation of yesterday's post about my personal life rules. So, without further ado…I give you Part Two.

Surround yourself with positive people and try to cut out negative people from your life. Fill your mind with positive thoughts and try to cut out the negative talk. I know, I know…it’s my inner hippie speaking but it’s true. Happiness loves company the same way misery does and if I had to choose I would pick being happy over being miserable any day of the week. Luckily for me, it is my choice. I can be happy every day. It’s totally my call. But having negative people in my life and negative thoughts in my head make it hard to see that I am and deserve to be happy. So I made the (not always easy decisions) to cut out the people in my life that were always bringing me down and I actively work/worked on reducing/eliminating the negative thoughts that liked to frequently overtake my mind. I love myself and deserve to be treated with kindness and respect; from others as well as from myself. If you want to be a happier you then it’s time to get rid of the haters and the Debbie downers…even if (especially if) they reside in your mind.

It’s just food…but it is also so much more than that. This is a difficult one to explain. It’s really like two rules in one. On one hand there is this idea that it is JUST food. It should not control or wield power over me. The only control food has is what I give it and there is no reason for me to give it any power…at all. IT IS JUST FOOD. On the most basic level, we need it to survive and that is all. It is not a friend or an enemy, a ways or means to heal or grieve, it is not a shoulder to cry on- it just isn’t. BUT…food is so much more than just food. Yes, it is sustenance but it is also nourishment. It helps keep us moving and functioning but also allows us to chase our dreams and push our limits. It allows us to be better, stronger than we ever imagined.  Or it can kill us slowly. Hippocrates (you know: do no harm/Hippocratic oath) said “Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food”. We don’t need pills or drugs to heal us, we can become healthier all by changing what and how we eat. We basically have two choices; use food as a tool to help us live a long, healthy life or we can allow food to slowly kill us. I am using it for the former but the only way I could was by taking back the power I allowed food to have over me.

Accept yourself now. This is probably the most common ideal I discuss on this blog; self love and acceptance. I believe this is the heart of being able to make any change successfully. But I know it is hard to do. More than likely you won’t just wake up one day and say ‘hey, I love myself. I am really awesome as is. Yay me!’ I mean maybe that happens but I would think what would need to happen first is that you fix the problems that have led you to be at a point in your life where you are so dissatisfied that you do not have self love or acceptance. If you don’t work on fixing the underlying causes of your problems they will just continue to resurface. I don’t know about you, but I was ready to fix me (all of me) even if that required digging through and uncovering a lot of demons and bad shit that haunted me. In the end, as difficult as it was to be brutally honest with myself, it was what allowed me to be who I am today- happy, healthy, focused but yet also a bit more carefree, more loving, and by far the best version of myself I can put forth.

Moderation, never deprivation. I think it goes without saying that nothing is off limits in my life. I drink beer, I don’t skip dessert and I have been known to totally house a vegan cheeseburger and fries every now and again. But, like I said yesterday, that’s my 20%. I don’t have foods that are off limits. But I do control how often I eat them.  I know what I want to do (be healthy) and what  I need to do to get there (eat good foods, be active, get good solid sleep, practice self care) and moderation is how. I don’t restrict my diet to the point I feel crazed from deprivation, I don’t workout until I am near collapse and in the same sense I also don’t eat and drink with reckless abandon and sit on the couch for weeks on end. No extreme overindulgences or depravity…just moderation.

Prepare for and openly embrace change. It seems obvious right? You want to change your life well then you should prepare for change.  You would think this would have been pretty easy for me but it wasn’t, at least not at first. It was like I wanted to change completely (like 180 overhaul) but could not get it through my thick skull that I wouldn’t get where I wanted to go by doing the same things I always did. My old WW leader always used to say; ‘if you always do what you always did then you will always get what you always got’. I got it, after time, and once I started to make changes in my life and started to find my way it got easier, much less scarier, to the point where now I openly embrace (even carve) change. Change…that’s where the good stuff happens.

Be a snob or be a French woman…Do you remember the book French Women Don’t Get Fat? I am not 100% I read the whole thing. I mean I feel like I did but who knows. But I do remember reading how French women eat very small portions of very rich foods. They indulge, but in moderation. Yes this kind of ties in with two of my other ‘rules’, I know. But the point I am trying to make with the above statement is this; I can only have two MAYBE three really good craft beers in one night, I eat dark chocolate almost every night but only a few pieces. My cravings are satiated by the depth of flavor of good quality beers and the richness of really good dark chocolate. I may seem like a beer/food snob but I found really good products that allow me to practice moderation and still really (REALLY) enjoy my life.

Listen to your body. I found veganism by listening to my body. Through food journaling I found what worked for me and what didn’t and on a whim (after a few months of personal research and diary keeping) I decided to cut out all animal products and what do you know? My body was giving me signs all along that the foods I was eating weren’t good for me. My body knew, I just had to figure out how to listen to it. Another big advantage of listening to my body is it allows me to monitor my hunger scale. My friend told me a few years ago about this concept and it has stuck with me ever since. Picture your sense of  hunger on a scale from one to five; one being full, not hungry at all and five being ravenous, wildly hungry. The key is to not eat when you are a one (or even two) because then you are eating out of boredom or some other non-hunger related reason. Recognize this behavior and work to break the habit of eating while full. On the other end, don’t let yourself make it to a level five. At that point you will be so hungry you will make bad choices, eat too fast, east too much, you forfeit all control. Instead just listen to your body and eat just as you are starting to get hungry, around a three. You will eat slowly and cognizantly and hopefully be able to recognize the cues your body sends you when you are full.

Don’t listen to me…I am no expert and I am not writing this list for you. I mean, yes I am writing this for you but not because I want you to go out there and do all of the things I do. This is my list. I wrote it for me. This is what works for Dacia. Maybe it can work for you too. Or maybe this list will make you miserable. But it’s a good place to start. To reflect on your life; what works and what doesn’t and maybe start to write your own list because you are amazing. You totally deserve your own life, your own happiness, and your own set of rules.

Until next time…

'Love, compassion and kindness are the anchors of life'

Love and hugs,

Dacia

The Before and After of My Before and After...

Thanks to my friend Brooke, I have some new followers over on the RRR Facebook page. Unbeknownst to me, while I lay in a hospital bed almost two weeks ago, she sent a bunch of her readers over to my page; which over tripled my page likes. Pretty crazy for this small time blogger. One of the new followers asked if I had any before/after photos….which of course you know I do. I mean, how could I not?

And even though I don't consider this a blog dedicated to weight loss (or at least dedicated to my personal weight loss story) it is always fun to look back on that part of my life and reflect. Could the last day of 2013 be a better time to share? I mean, not much has changed for me (weight-wise at least) over the last 12 months, but that is actually a really good thing.

In 2011 (the first year of my adventure, starting out at 286 pounds) I hit that 100 pounds lost mark, in 2012 I reached almost 130 pounds lost, and for the most part of 2013 I maintained that loss. I am thankful to have found a weight and a way of life easy for my body to sustain.

When I first started, walking a 5K was a CHALLENGE! I remember before I started to lose weight I walked in a 5K that the company I worked for was a sponsor of. I was the last one to finish. I'm not 100% sure of how long it took but I think it was somewhere around 1 hour, 15 minutes. That's where I started. My weight was such a limiting force that the only thing I was able to do was walk, and even that was hella painful.

But I didn't quit.

Don't get me wrong; there were hurdles and obstacles and it wasn't always easy.

But I didn't quit. And for that, I am grateful.

So here it is folks…a photographic representation of my physical transformation.

2005

2008

 2008

2009

On February 20th, 2011 I decided I needed to change my life…I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. 

2011

My only full body 'before' picture. This is from April 2011, down about ten pounds give or take so in this shot I weigh ~ 275 pounds….

 April 2011

 July 2011

 September 2011

 October 2011

 November 2011

2012

 February 2012 

 March 2012 with one of my heroes Brendan Brazier

May 2012- my first running 5K!

 July 2012

 October 2012, my fastest 5K to date

 Recognize the location? Same spot as pictured above just 20 months (and 125 pounds) later…

2013

 February 2013 

 April 2013, after my third half marathon

 June 2013~ jump fitness at Fitbloggin'

 August 2013~ my first triathlon 

 December 2013 ~ just a few days ago, post surgery 

December 2013~ my first night out after surgery!  I can almost stand up straight :) 

There are no words to describe how this adventure has transformed me mentally and spiritually- those changes are what make dreaming big and going after the life I truly want possible.  I know I probably sound like a broken record at times but I honestly believe that I wouldn't be where I am today, and this life wouldn't be so amazing, if I didn't fix the underlying problems that caused me to gain weight in the first place, if I didn't find my self worth, self love and acceptance, and if I didn't start taking ownership and acceptance of my own life. I am so thankful that I learned how and that I continue to make positive changes in my life that allow me to grow into the type of human being I've always wanted to be.

I should also note that although I am very proud of my weight loss it is not something I think defines me nor do I see it as a measure of my self worth or value as a person. The best thing about losing weight was that it allowed me to become more active, to become healthy and fit and to reduce my chances for weight related illnesses. Those are all very important things to me. But the things that have really transformed my life all have stemmed from acceptance of self; putting myself and my health first, being open and honest about my dreams/goals, wanting more from life and not being afraid to take chances, caring and kindness to myself and others, more laughter and less stress, all of these amazing things have only occurred because I loved myself enough (at 260lbs and at 160lbs) to say (and believe) that I AM WORTH IT!

And you are, too!

So today, on the last day of 2013, I hope you can take a moment and say to yourself (and believe it) that you are worthy of all your dreams, all the love, all the happiness, and all the amazing adventures this life has in store for you! Because YOU ARE!!!!

Happy New Year my loves!

Love and cheers,
Dacia

Being Fat...

I don’t know why it was like this or how I ever had these thoughts fill my head.

I don’t know if I ever realized how much my weight affected my perception of myself until now.

I remember back a few months, speaking with a friend about how Paul was always there for me- even when I got really fat and how he never made me feel badly about my weight or how I looked- and how shitty I felt now because he had the decency to stick with me through all those ‘fat years’ and now I was leaving him.

This friend turned and said to me- ‘you may not see this now, but one day you will look back on all this and realize that your weight is the least significant thing about you. And that staying with Paul solely because he loved you while you were fat would be insane.’

I didn’t understand that when he said it. I honestly thought he didn’t see it from my side, he couldn’t understand my point of view on this topic.

But recently it has started to click. Why did I, and sadly some days continue to, value my self-worth by my weight?

I am pretty sure that somewhere in the back of my mind there is a part of me that saw myself as having less value as a human because I was fat.

Maybe I never came right out and said “I’m fat and therefore I am not deserving of love” (although I think I probably have said some variation of that phrase before) but I know I felt I didn’t deserve a normal life; friends, a good job, a loving family because I was fat.

I didn’t think that any ‘fit/healthy/skinny/pretty’ girl would ever meet me (once I was fat) and want to be my friend. Why would they? I was disgusting (that’s my own personal dialogue- probably most people aren’t that cruel) and they would be embarrassed to be seen with me. OR there was the whole ‘my parents are disappointed in me because I am fat’ OR ‘my boss will never promote me because he/she thinks I am a lazy POS since I am so fat’

Ok, I know, that sounds severe. And ultimately the truth is that it wasn’t being fat that made me feel that way, it was my inability to love myself that did. I think sometimes about this question- did I hate myself because I was fat or was becoming morbidly obese a byproduct of my personal hate?

That’s something I am not sure I will ever know that answer to.

I can tell you this, though, I found my self-love when I weighed 260 pounds and I firmly believe that is the only reason I am here today- at a healthy weight. When I figured out how to love myself for the person I am I was able to make my health, my well being (mentally and spiritually) and my life my priority. I was able to start making decisions that allowed me to live the life I always wanted. I became friends with skinny/healthy/fit/pretty girls. I recognized my parents love and concern for my health came only from a genuine and kind place. I had/have more confidence at work, in my abilities. I realized that I am fucking awesome regardless of what size package I came in.

I wanted to be healthy. I wanted to be active. I wanted to live a long life so I knew I needed to change my habits and take better care of myself.

But I can honestly say that being skinnier/healthier would not have changed my perception of myself if I still had all the hate and self-loathing in my heart. I firmly believe that you can hate yourself so much that you can get yourself skinny (or fit or whatever word you'd like me to use here) but if you never find your value as a human being you will just fall back into old habits/ways.

This is why I think it is really important to focus on ourselves as a whole; our mind, body, heart, and soul. Our value in life is not, nor should it be, determined by our weight.

I am smart.

I am funny.

I am kind.

I am loving to a fault.

I am a really good person, friend, daughter, and partner.

I was all of those things at 286 pounds but in my head I was just a fat person and I would never be more than just a fat person.

And it kills me when I think back on how being ‘just a fat person’ guided my life. I had no self-worth. I was a doormat. I let others treat me like shit and I treated myself like shit too.

And that sucks.

It sucks that I wasted so many years letting those feelings dictate how I lived my life. Sadly, I can't go back in time and fix that. I can only learn from that portion of my life and use it to help guide me towards the person I am working to be.

I am smart, funny, kind and loving. I recognize those qualities which make me a good person. And I love myself because of them. Not all the time, every day but enough to know that I am worth every dream, every aspiration, all the love and joy and happiness, all the friendship and the family.

 I am worth it all.

And you are too.

And I hope no matter who you are, no matter your size, shape, or color that you recognize that your value as a human being comes not from your outward appearances but from the kindness in your soul and the love in your heart. Good people are good people. Period. End of story.

Love yourself today and every day and I promise to do the same.

Love and hugs and more love-

Dacia

It was cold in New Orleans this weekend...

The Power of Positive Change

When I first started out on this adventure back in February of 2011 there was only one goal in my mind- save my life.

I was obese, inactive, and headed down a very short path to self-destruction.

When I started off, my journey was 100% focused around me. What I needed to do to lose weight. What activities I could do to get in shape. What foods I needed to eat that would allow me to both.

When I first started writing I shared my blog with a few of my friends, Paul after some time, and that was about it. I kept it pretty private, at least at first. I didn’t share it with family, I kept it off Facebook, and I never discussed it at work. Why? I don’t really know. Maybe because I was ashamed of myself, maybe because I thought no one would ever want to read it.

But in time, I changed. I became more accepting of myself and in turn open with my story. I openly discussed my weight loss with friends, family, co-workers; you name it- pretty much anyone that would listen.

Now, well now I am here. You know pretty well that I will talk openly in pretty much any forum about pretty much any topic. I’ve talked about the shitty stuff; mom’s cancer, our infertility and I’ve talked about the awesome stuff; running my first mile, Paul’s commissioning, and everything in between.

But one thing I don’t think I have ever written about, or even realized would happen, is the impact the changes I make to my life have on other people. You see, when I sit down to write I really just write about what’s in my head, what’s going on in my life, things that matter to me. I never really think about what I write and how  it could possibly affect someone else’s life. That same rings true for posting on FB or Twitter, talking with friends/coworkers, phone calls with family- I never really have given much thought to the impact my stories, in whatever form, have.

Until recently.

I am starting to notice more and more lately how my life changes are affecting the people in my life. And that is really cool.

Like my Dad-the kale addict. He’s not a vegan, or a vegetarian for that matter, but he ate kale when he was visiting back in 2011 and has been a kale junky ever since. He recently called to tell me about how his blood pressure and cholesterol were in the normal ranges for the first time ever. I asked him why, what had he done to change them and he said ‘I eat kale!’

Is this not the best shirt ever???

Or Paul, when I said earlier this week about not doing a CSA pickup since I’ll be going out of town. He said ‘no, we should definitely get it. Then I will have fresh fruits and veggies to eat while you’re gone’. Big change from the man who would have happily eaten pizza/take out every night until I returned. Now he is cooking his own, super healthy meals every day. And that is awesome!

Or my mom, who said that after her mastectomy she wants to become a vegetarian. She doesn’t want to eat dead animals (her words) anymore. I never have told anyone that I think they should become vegetarian/vegan, especially my parents. BUT I have tried to encourage them to eat less processed junk and more real foods- you know, like a sweet potato instead of rice a roni. But the fact that she views her health as something that can be controlled by diet- well that makes me super happy.

But probably the most amazing thing through all of this is hearing your stories. I am always shocked to receive comments/messages from people, sometimes complete strangers, telling me that I have affected them in some positive way- maybe through motivation to start running  again, or trying out meatless Mondays, or even just saying that something I said resonated with them. It’s amazing.

And I hope I can continue to be that way. I always want to be me and authentic to my true self but if I can be a positive light into just one person’s life- well that’s just mindblowingastronomicallythecoolestthingever….

It Starts With Me...

My amazing friend Annabel sent me a copy of “Mirror, Mirror Off the Wall: How I Learned to Love My Body by Not Looking at It for a Year” and even though I am just a few chapters into it I’m hooked. I remember reading her (the author- Kjerstin Gruys) blog when I was first starting out on my journey. It was amazing to see what she was going through living without mirrors but at that time I was nowhere near being mentally ready to take on a feat of that magnitude. I was just starting out, I still was using my training wheels J

And no, I am not saying that now I am ready to live for a year without mirrors. I don’t think that is something I would ever do. But I do think frequently about living without a scale. It’s funny how I went from never ever never weighing myself to weighing myself (almost compulsively) daily which was how I spent about 2 years of this journey- weighing myself every single day. Now I have moved from daily weighing to weekly and now (because I am trying to help my husband out with his weight loss goals) weighing in twice a week- Friday and Monday.

When Paul and I had the discussion about the need for him to stop weighing daily I really wanted to push us to weighing just once a month. That wouldn’t work for him (you know, since his job actually depends on his weight) so I said how about once a week. He said that he liked the idea of twice weekly, at least at first, because weighing in Friday (after a week of hard work) and then again Monday (after a weekend of celebration/excess) will help to show the impact of our weekend decisions and hopefully lead us to make better choices over the weekend and reinforce some good habits. And I agreed with that logic and said ok.

So that is where I am today; weighing myself twice a week. And I am ok with that. I’m not (for the most part) obsessing about it either. And I think that is key to my happiness with my weight. I know I have said it here before but I don’t want to sacrifice my happiness just to reach some arbitrary number on a scale. Yes, I would love to be at a healthy weight but when I think about my life and my goals my main focus is on being active, doing the things I love, and setting plans in action to help me achieve my goals. All while still having an occasional beer or cupcake. J Balance, right?

You may be wondering where I am going with this post- this rambling about my weight and the scale. I’m getting to the point…hopefully soon.

In the book ‘Mirror, Mirror Off the Wall’ Gruys cites this statistic (and I am not sure how accruate/current it is but it’s a great reference point) about the average American woman; she is 5’ 4” and weighs 165 pounds. This is me, more or less- I’m a smidge taller, I am the average American woman. The average runway model is 5’ 9” and 110 pounds. This will never be me. Obviously, I will never gain 4 inches in height, but I know I will also never get to that weight. Hell, I would never want to be that weight. Even for my height, 110 lbs. is underweight which is also bad for your body just like being overweight.

But this ideal, this constant reinforcement, through campaigns and magazines and television ads, that beauty is 5’ 9” 110 lbs. is where it all starts. And I am not saying that models aren’t’ beautiful. They are. But there are so many different bodies and shapes and sizes that are also beautiful. And I want them all to be accepted and adored and loved. I want pictures in magazines to represent all women, not just one body type. I want media to stop making women (me) feel inadequate because I am not a size zero, because I have curves, because I have pudge. But is it really the media that’s to blame?

No, it’s me. I am the only one that can make myself feel inadequate. Yes, seeing images everywhere of beautiful women I will never look like doesn’t make it easy. BUT it is up to me to define what is beautiful. It is up to me to stop being afraid of my body, of being judged, of feeling not good enough because I don’t need to.

See, I am her- the average American woman. And you know what? That’s good enough.

Strike that.

That’s beautiful.

I’m beautiful. And so are you.

Whatever shape or size.

Inside AND outside.

If I want the world to look at me and see beauty then I have to see it for myself first. It starts with me, not you. I can’t expect others to change their definition of beauty if I cannot change mine first.

And so I have.

I have committed myself to seeing my beauty every day and I have committed myself to seeing the beauty in others. Always. No more judgment. No more picking other people apart. No more self-hatred. No more competition. No more.

And so this average American woman finally felt the freedom to take her average American body out to the beach this past weekend…in a bikini nonetheless.

Because it was time for me to stop hiding my body. Because I am not ashamed of how I look. I’m proud. I stopped seeing my body as having flaws but instead I think of them as just my personal characteristics. Just like my eye color or my height or my tattoos.   

It has been a whirlwind transformation internally. Just two months ago I wore a bathing suit in front of a friend (my very, very close friend AC) for the first time. It was just two months ago that I had enough courage to let someone else (besides myself and Paul) see me in a bathing suit and now I am out on a public beach, filled with strangers, in a bikini.

First time in my adult life in a bikini....pretty crazy!

You may be asking what happened to trigger such a change. Well, I haven’t lost any weight. Actually if anything I probably weigh more. My body still looks the same. So it wasn’t a physical change that brought me here.

No I think I finally had that mental shift I have been waiting for to happen. That release from an image, a number, a definition of beauty. I stopped obssessing over my future self and realized that 150 lbs won’t make me beautiful, nor will 140 or 130. Skin removal surgery won’t either. Nor will magically becoming 5’ 9”. Nope, I realized (over time of course) that beauty is universal. I always had it. It’s not something I should be striving for because I am already there.

Yes, there are things I would like to improve about myself. I would like to be stronger and faster, I want to be more patient and understanding, I want to be a better friend, a better human. And I try to work on those things daily. But beauty, particularly beauty associated with a specific weight, is no longer something I obsess over.

Who could have thought wearing a bikini would be so liberating? 

 

 

"We but mirror the world. All the tendencies present in the outer world are to be found in the world of our body. If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. This is the divine mystery supreme. A wonderful thing it is and the source of our happiness. We need not wait to see what others do”. ~ From the Collected Works of M.K.Gandhi