How to Feel Good Enough

I named this post ‘How to Feel Good Enough’ because honestly you/me/we are already good enough. We are. As is. Right now. We are good enough. But I know that I often struggle with how to FEEL good enough. Some days it is a battle against myself (my monkey mind) or a battle to not fall into the comparison trap (or dig myself out of it) that keeps me from feeling not good enough. Which sucks. Especially when I am such a huge advocate for acceptance and self-love and I know that both of those things are primary reasons that I have been able to change my life, get healthy, lose weight, find the real me, etc. So on the days when I am hating on myself it’s like doubly bad because a) that’s a shitty way to feel and b) it kind of goes against who I am.

That being said, I am a human. I get all the feels- even the not so great ones. And it is honestly not the easiest thing to be kind and loving to myself every day after spending many, many years treating myself like shit. There is still a part of me that is the voice of shame, doubt, insecurity, hate, and fear that shows its head every now and again. And I just have to do my best to quiet it.

What helps….

Knowing that I am taking care of myself. Every day I am making decisions that put my health and wellness (mental and physical) first. No, I am not perfect. I am far from it. But I know that rest days and self-care are important. Walking in the park or gardening or playing with the puppy are activities just the same as running or hitting the gym and I am ok with doing any/all of them. I treat myself better and have more respect for myself than I ever had. That helps to quiet the voice.

Understanding where I was then, where I am now, and the journey I have taken to get here. There is no finish line, end goal or final destination for me. There is just taking each day and trying to live it to the best of my ability knowing that the paths I have taken along the way have helped prepare me for this. You don’t have to be a weight loser or maintainer to understand growth through change. Every day that we wake up and take care of ourselves, help others, try to make a difference (no matter how small) and offer up a smile or a hug or some compassion or empathy is a day spent living the good life. A life only achieved through growth and change.  When I get frustrated with all the negative I have to really stop and think about the positive; how lucky I am, how great life is, and how much I can offer the world even if just a smile. That helps to quiet the voice.

Forgiving myself for past wrongdoings and letting go. Some days the reason behind my ‘not good enough’ feeling is because I am harboring guilt or resentment or shame from something in the past. I can’t fix it, it’s already done. I have to learn from it and move on. I know I can be a better person, I just have to forgive myself for the past and try harder in the future. That helps to quiet the voice.

Reflection on current goals and priorities helps offer up the perspective needed to help create a positive mind shift. Every time I let someone, or let myself, make me feel like I should be skinnier, faster, stronger, smarter, whatever, I am not giving them more self-worth I am only lessening mine. Which is dumb. Because I am awesome. And so are you. So, when this happens I think about my life and my current priorities. Would I like to be able to do an unassisted pull-up? Of course! Can I? Absolutely not. Does that make me less of a person because I can’t? No way. And I shouldn't feel that way. I don’t spend my time training to be able to do pull-ups so there is no reason why I should be able to do one. Mad props for anyone out there who can do them but I am not one of those people and that is ok! Would I like to be able to write a book? Of course. Do I spend any time or effort devoted to this endeavor? Not at all. Should I feel crappy because I have not written a book? NO! Why should I? Writing a book is not my priority. Nor is weight loss, qualifying for Boston, or bench pressing my body weight (to name a few) so I shouldn't wake up one day feeling terrible because I am neither thinner, faster or stronger. I have no expectations to do any of those things and in turn I should not feel bad about myself, or lessen my self-worth, because others can. I know what my priorities are (and they change pretty frequently) and I am ok with focusing on those solely because they are the key to the life I currently want to lead. I need reflection, to see the choices I am making and how they are bringing me closer to my goals and helping to build the life I want. That helps to quiet the voice. 

That little voice inside your head that says you aren't good enough is a liar

Love and hugs,

Dacia

xoxoxoxo 

I Used to Give a Sh*t

I posted this pic the other day…kind of as a preview to a post I had been thinking about writing….and realized later it was terribly small and hard to see, if viewing from a smartphone. Hopefully this time around you can actually read it.

 

 

 

 

You see, I used to give a shit.

Not saying that I don’t now, because I do, just not in the same way.  Now, I don’t let what other people might be thinking about me influence decisions I make regarding only me.

I used to view my body in a way that brought shame and embarrassment. And I am not talking about when I weighed almost 300 pounds, but I am talking about over the last two years of maintenance. I used to let what I thought others would think about my appearance dictate how I presented myself in public.

For example, when I bought my first bikini I thought to myself -‘this isn’t to wear now; this is to wear when you lose ten pounds. No one wants to see your flabby belly and thighs’

Or when dressing to run or take a hot yoga class it was always short sleeve t-shirts and capri length pants – because no one wanted to see my jiggly arms or that bulge around my knees.

This same dialogue happened when it came time to pick out almost every outfit- what could I wear that covered up all of my ‘bad’ areas?

But then one day I just stopped giving a shit.

I wore that bikini (not having lost any weight from the day I first tried it on) and guess what- it didn’t matter.  No one publicly shamed me or started convulsing at the sight of me. I am pretty sure no one on that beach gave a shit either. And me in that bikini- I felt comfortable. Strike that. I felt sexy. And in that moment I realized how important it was to focus on how I felt in my body and not on how others may perceive me.

From then I switched to tank tops and shorts because guess what? I live in Florida and it is HOT. There is no reason to wear more clothes than the bare minimum when you are working out in the heat.  Isn’t running in August punishment enough???

I stopped caring so much about what others might think about my appearance and started living comfortably in my own skin.

This is not to say that I don’t have moments of criticism or self-judgment as to how I look, just now the only person I think about making comfortable is me.

See, I honestly don’t care if my lumpy thighs or flabby arms bother you.  They don’t bother me and my opinion is the only one that matters.  I was tired of feeling like I had to be a certain size or shape or number in order for parts of my body to be ‘acceptable’- which is just dumb. I am human being. My body serves a million purposes but one of them is not to be pleasing to other people.

Anyway, I don’t really know where I was going with this other than to say that I think we could all benefit by giving less of a shit (not sure if that is the correct way to say that) about what others think of us. Not everyone will like us. Not everyone will accept us. But who cares? All that really matters is that we like and accept ourselves.

Love and hugs,

Dacia

xoxoxoxo





The Before and After of My Before and After...

Thanks to my friend Brooke, I have some new followers over on the RRR Facebook page. Unbeknownst to me, while I lay in a hospital bed almost two weeks ago, she sent a bunch of her readers over to my page; which over tripled my page likes. Pretty crazy for this small time blogger. One of the new followers asked if I had any before/after photos….which of course you know I do. I mean, how could I not?

And even though I don't consider this a blog dedicated to weight loss (or at least dedicated to my personal weight loss story) it is always fun to look back on that part of my life and reflect. Could the last day of 2013 be a better time to share? I mean, not much has changed for me (weight-wise at least) over the last 12 months, but that is actually a really good thing.

In 2011 (the first year of my adventure, starting out at 286 pounds) I hit that 100 pounds lost mark, in 2012 I reached almost 130 pounds lost, and for the most part of 2013 I maintained that loss. I am thankful to have found a weight and a way of life easy for my body to sustain.

When I first started, walking a 5K was a CHALLENGE! I remember before I started to lose weight I walked in a 5K that the company I worked for was a sponsor of. I was the last one to finish. I'm not 100% sure of how long it took but I think it was somewhere around 1 hour, 15 minutes. That's where I started. My weight was such a limiting force that the only thing I was able to do was walk, and even that was hella painful.

But I didn't quit.

Don't get me wrong; there were hurdles and obstacles and it wasn't always easy.

But I didn't quit. And for that, I am grateful.

So here it is folks…a photographic representation of my physical transformation.

2005

2008

 2008

2009

On February 20th, 2011 I decided I needed to change my life…I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. 

2011

My only full body 'before' picture. This is from April 2011, down about ten pounds give or take so in this shot I weigh ~ 275 pounds….

 April 2011

 July 2011

 September 2011

 October 2011

 November 2011

2012

 February 2012 

 March 2012 with one of my heroes Brendan Brazier

May 2012- my first running 5K!

 July 2012

 October 2012, my fastest 5K to date

 Recognize the location? Same spot as pictured above just 20 months (and 125 pounds) later…

2013

 February 2013 

 April 2013, after my third half marathon

 June 2013~ jump fitness at Fitbloggin'

 August 2013~ my first triathlon 

 December 2013 ~ just a few days ago, post surgery 

December 2013~ my first night out after surgery!  I can almost stand up straight :) 

There are no words to describe how this adventure has transformed me mentally and spiritually- those changes are what make dreaming big and going after the life I truly want possible.  I know I probably sound like a broken record at times but I honestly believe that I wouldn't be where I am today, and this life wouldn't be so amazing, if I didn't fix the underlying problems that caused me to gain weight in the first place, if I didn't find my self worth, self love and acceptance, and if I didn't start taking ownership and acceptance of my own life. I am so thankful that I learned how and that I continue to make positive changes in my life that allow me to grow into the type of human being I've always wanted to be.

I should also note that although I am very proud of my weight loss it is not something I think defines me nor do I see it as a measure of my self worth or value as a person. The best thing about losing weight was that it allowed me to become more active, to become healthy and fit and to reduce my chances for weight related illnesses. Those are all very important things to me. But the things that have really transformed my life all have stemmed from acceptance of self; putting myself and my health first, being open and honest about my dreams/goals, wanting more from life and not being afraid to take chances, caring and kindness to myself and others, more laughter and less stress, all of these amazing things have only occurred because I loved myself enough (at 260lbs and at 160lbs) to say (and believe) that I AM WORTH IT!

And you are, too!

So today, on the last day of 2013, I hope you can take a moment and say to yourself (and believe it) that you are worthy of all your dreams, all the love, all the happiness, and all the amazing adventures this life has in store for you! Because YOU ARE!!!!

Happy New Year my loves!

Love and cheers,
Dacia

Being Fat...

I don’t know why it was like this or how I ever had these thoughts fill my head.

I don’t know if I ever realized how much my weight affected my perception of myself until now.

I remember back a few months, speaking with a friend about how Paul was always there for me- even when I got really fat and how he never made me feel badly about my weight or how I looked- and how shitty I felt now because he had the decency to stick with me through all those ‘fat years’ and now I was leaving him.

This friend turned and said to me- ‘you may not see this now, but one day you will look back on all this and realize that your weight is the least significant thing about you. And that staying with Paul solely because he loved you while you were fat would be insane.’

I didn’t understand that when he said it. I honestly thought he didn’t see it from my side, he couldn’t understand my point of view on this topic.

But recently it has started to click. Why did I, and sadly some days continue to, value my self-worth by my weight?

I am pretty sure that somewhere in the back of my mind there is a part of me that saw myself as having less value as a human because I was fat.

Maybe I never came right out and said “I’m fat and therefore I am not deserving of love” (although I think I probably have said some variation of that phrase before) but I know I felt I didn’t deserve a normal life; friends, a good job, a loving family because I was fat.

I didn’t think that any ‘fit/healthy/skinny/pretty’ girl would ever meet me (once I was fat) and want to be my friend. Why would they? I was disgusting (that’s my own personal dialogue- probably most people aren’t that cruel) and they would be embarrassed to be seen with me. OR there was the whole ‘my parents are disappointed in me because I am fat’ OR ‘my boss will never promote me because he/she thinks I am a lazy POS since I am so fat’

Ok, I know, that sounds severe. And ultimately the truth is that it wasn’t being fat that made me feel that way, it was my inability to love myself that did. I think sometimes about this question- did I hate myself because I was fat or was becoming morbidly obese a byproduct of my personal hate?

That’s something I am not sure I will ever know that answer to.

I can tell you this, though, I found my self-love when I weighed 260 pounds and I firmly believe that is the only reason I am here today- at a healthy weight. When I figured out how to love myself for the person I am I was able to make my health, my well being (mentally and spiritually) and my life my priority. I was able to start making decisions that allowed me to live the life I always wanted. I became friends with skinny/healthy/fit/pretty girls. I recognized my parents love and concern for my health came only from a genuine and kind place. I had/have more confidence at work, in my abilities. I realized that I am fucking awesome regardless of what size package I came in.

I wanted to be healthy. I wanted to be active. I wanted to live a long life so I knew I needed to change my habits and take better care of myself.

But I can honestly say that being skinnier/healthier would not have changed my perception of myself if I still had all the hate and self-loathing in my heart. I firmly believe that you can hate yourself so much that you can get yourself skinny (or fit or whatever word you'd like me to use here) but if you never find your value as a human being you will just fall back into old habits/ways.

This is why I think it is really important to focus on ourselves as a whole; our mind, body, heart, and soul. Our value in life is not, nor should it be, determined by our weight.

I am smart.

I am funny.

I am kind.

I am loving to a fault.

I am a really good person, friend, daughter, and partner.

I was all of those things at 286 pounds but in my head I was just a fat person and I would never be more than just a fat person.

And it kills me when I think back on how being ‘just a fat person’ guided my life. I had no self-worth. I was a doormat. I let others treat me like shit and I treated myself like shit too.

And that sucks.

It sucks that I wasted so many years letting those feelings dictate how I lived my life. Sadly, I can't go back in time and fix that. I can only learn from that portion of my life and use it to help guide me towards the person I am working to be.

I am smart, funny, kind and loving. I recognize those qualities which make me a good person. And I love myself because of them. Not all the time, every day but enough to know that I am worth every dream, every aspiration, all the love and joy and happiness, all the friendship and the family.

 I am worth it all.

And you are too.

And I hope no matter who you are, no matter your size, shape, or color that you recognize that your value as a human being comes not from your outward appearances but from the kindness in your soul and the love in your heart. Good people are good people. Period. End of story.

Love yourself today and every day and I promise to do the same.

Love and hugs and more love-

Dacia

It was cold in New Orleans this weekend...