My friend Racheal reached out to me to ask if she could write something for my blog. She told me she had been inspired by my blog but that there is something more now to that inspiration and she wanted to share it with my readers. I, of course, said yes. It was both humbling and exciting to even have been asked. Racheal has been a part of my life for over 8 years now and with me throughout my journey since very early on. I am beyond thrilled to share her story with all of you :)
I have spent most of
my life disliking the way I look. From a young age, I had been told by my
family and the kids at school that I was overweight, that I was fat. Hearing
this repeatedly, especially from the people in my life that are supposed to
love me unconditionally, helped me learn and adopt several bad behaviors. The
first, to dislike myself and the second, to have a bad relationship with food.
By the time I was 16, I had successfully learned how to use food to make me
feel better and that if you eat too much, you can never lose weight. Along with
that, the message that "fat girls don't get married" became a regular
thing that my mother said to me. So as most teenagers do, striving to fit in
and being extremely aware of my size (my first driver's license listed my
weight at 235 pounds), I pretty much stopped eating. I saved my lunch money
daily and bought cd's instead of lunch and didn't each much for dinner. After
having this kind of behavior for two years, I gained 18 pounds and graduated
from high school at 253 pounds. And you know what, I still hated the way I
looked.
In college, I tried
different weight loss diet plans. Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, the drops, and
so on. You name it, I tried it. I still managed to gain weight despite trying
to follow these programs as well as any college kid can. And I still hated the
way that I looked and the way I felt about myself. But I did enjoy my time in
college and made some really great friends.
After graduation, I
moved out on my own with my first real job to start my career. I went back to
Weight Watchers, because I figured life was different now. I wasn't reliant on
the school cafeteria anymore and I could cook my own food. This time around
with this program, it was different. I lost almost 60 pounds over the course of
about a year. And you would think that I would feel great about myself and my
accomplishment. But I didn't. I still didn't care much for the way I looked. I
still saw myself as the 286 pound woman that I was the year before even though
my clothes were significantly smaller and I was starting to shop in the Misses
department. I really didn't know why I was so unhappy with myself. I mean, I
had grown up being told how my life's happiness would come from losing weight.
But it wasn't. I mean, I had a good job, amazing friends, supportive family, a
great place to live, and most importantly, aside from my weight, I was in good
health. What more could I ask for?
2007
What more could I ask
for? I repeat the question intentionally. From the outside, I felt like
everything should be perfect. From the inside, I still hated the way I looked.
I hated my body. And for the next 8 years of my life, I would continue feeling
the same way. I even got married in that time, advanced my career, had some
amazing experiences that most people could only dream of having. And yet, deep
down, I wasn't happy with myself. I was still an overweight woman and even
though fat girls do get married, this fat girl still had major apprehension
about her body.
2010
A few years ago, Dacia
reached out to me and shared a link to her blog with me. I started reading her
blog, and what she had to say really resonated with me. I could relate and for
the first time, I felt like someone else got how I felt about myself and what I
was going through. Even sitting through those Weight Watchers meetings, I felt
like no one understood my journey and the mountain I felt like I was facing.
And of course, through her blog, I started reading others, and a lot more
books, articles and magazines about health and weight loss. There was one
common theme that I kept seeing. Anyone can lose weight, but not everyone can
keep the weight off. Those that have kept the weight they lost off have been
the ones that have learned to love themselves as they are.
Learn to love myself
as I am. That seems simple enough. I mean, I love my personality, my ability to
do my job really well, how I build relationships, and so on. But here's the
thing, that's all the stuff that's on the inside. Not once have I ever loved my
outside. So now here's another tough question that I had to figure out. How do
I love my outside when I've spent a lifetime hating it?
How do I love my
outside when I've spent a lifetime hating it? I agonized over this question and
how to answer it for the longest time. I read more about health and weight
loss. I grasped at every topic even closely relating to this topic. I even
considered bariatric surgery to help me learn to love my outside (this
consideration did not last long for me, not that there is anything wrong with
it, it's just not for me). I was almost obsessed and still striving on some
level to "lose weight to feel better about myself." But I already
knew that this wasn't the answer. I'd lost weight before (that 60 pounds I
lost, I gained it all back along with 20 more) so how would losing weight again
help me love myself? It doesn't. Weight Watchers even told me repeatedly that
as you lose weight you'll start to love your new body. I started to hate my
body even more as I had lost the weight. I mean, almost every part of me
between my shoulders and my thighs was covered in stretch marks and my boobs
were starting to sag something fierce. This was like a new barrier in my mind
even. I mean, how could you love looking like you have the skin of a senior
citizen when you are in your early 30's?
This past November, I
tore the ACL in my right knee. I had surgery in March to reconstruct it, just
so that I could walk enough for my job daily, let alone anything else. During
the first 3 months of recovery, I learned how to answer the question. So how
have I learned to love my outside when I've spent a lifetime hating it? It all
started with having this surgery. Instead of being angry about everything that
I couldn't do, I appreciated what I could do. This started with the littlest of
things, being able to get into the car to go home from surgery without bending
my one knee. The people at the hospital honestly thought they were going to
have to do more to help me, and when I realized after the drugs wore off that I
did that all by myself (mostly), I was proud. This appreciation and pride in my
body started so small, but kept going. Every day was something new. I could get
myself in and out of the bed by myself, shower by myself (if you think climbing
over the side of a tub while on crutches and with a knee that doesn't bend is
easy, think again), and so on. This appreciation and pride that was growing
helped me tell my husband daily that we were not having fast food for dinner,
we were going to have something home cooked and healthy.
I sit here now, 3
months post op, and I am in a very different place with myself than I could
have ever imagined I would be because of that whole thing. But honestly,
finding that appreciation of my body and what it could do has really helped me
drastically change the way that I feel about myself. I love my outside just as
much as the inside. And as that change has taken place, all of my choices have
changed drastically. I opt for healthier food because it's what I want, not
because it feels like a chore. I exercise because it's actually fun and not a
chore, even doing some of the things that I hate doing are more fun. And I'm
realizing with the 12 pounds that I've lost since I had knee surgery that if I
wouldn't have found this love for myself that I think my health would be
greatly suffering.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to say
that anyone should have knee surgery, or any other kind of surgery, to find
their appreciation or love of themself. What I am saying is that you should
take the time to look at what you can do and appreciate that about yourself.
Even if it's something as little as getting in and out of the car, or as much
as running a marathon. It takes time. Day by day, being proud of all those
little things that you can do adds up and makes a difference.
2015
I hope you enjoyed reading Racheal's story as much as I did. As you know, I am an advocate for self love and body acceptance at any/every size- I feel that is the key to being able to lose and then maintain weight loss for me. I am super excited to be able to support Racheal along on her journey the way she has done for me. So please send some love and encouragement her way - talking about the tough stuff on a public forum is not an easy thing to do. This girl definitely has chutzpah!
Love and hugs,
Dacia
xoxoxox
No comments:
Post a Comment