Wednesday, July 9, 2014

What I'm Afraid Of...

The other day I wrote that I am not afraid of failure and then alluded to the existence of something that does frighten me.

And then I ended the post there.


Nah, I wasn’t trying to build suspense. I just thought this topic deserved a post of its own. So here it is…

I am afraid of being complacent.

I already told you that I am lazy and since then I have been trying to be more active during the workday. And I am thankful that this need to move more drives my actions most days. Because honestly, I am afraid of the day that it doesn’t.

I am afraid of the day that the couch beats out the gym.

I don’t mean the day where I have an internal debate over whether or not I should rest or workout (because this happens almost all the time) but the day I just come home and plop on the couch and don’t give it a second thought.

And it’s not just exercise I am worried about, I worry about being complacent in every aspect of my life- what I eat, how I treat my friends, my work ethic.

I worry about reverting back to the days where I just ate. I ate with complete disregard to what I was eating, why I was eating, and how much I was eating. I just ate. And ate. And ate. I lived under the guise that I was ‘enjoying life’ which honestly is one of the worst excuses a person like me could have ever given as nothing about my behaviors or my actions coincided with truly enjoying life. When you break into a sweat just getting dressed it’s not enjoyable. When you skip out on events because your weight and physical capabilities limit your ability to participate (or leave you feeling embarrassed or ashamed, even if they shouldn't)  it is definitely not enjoyable.

I worry about the day when I morph into a mindless drone so caught up in what is happening inside that 5 inch screen and become completely oblivious to the world around me. I worry about becoming the person who can no longer hold meaningful conversations. The person that has completely forgotten how to live in the moment, be there for their friends, and have legitimate concern for others that goes beyond a Facebook post or tweet.

And I worry about the day when I stop caring about my job. The day when the decision to not put any effort in, to not go above and beyond, to not try my best and hardest, has already been made and I am just left an apathetic shell of a person.

Now, I know what you might be thinking- those things will never happen. You have nothing to worry about.

And I hope you are right.

I hope I have, finally, found the answer to how to be happy and successful in my life and that I will continue to grow and progress and change and challenge myself to be better.

Because I refuse to be complacent.

Because I lived that life.

That life left me almost 300 pounds (and steadily climbing) and absolutely miserable.

I didn’t want to do anything and didn’t care if that made me a lazy couch potato with achy joints that struggled just getting up and down a single flight of stairs or walking from one end of the block to the other.

I didn’t want to control my diet and I didn’t care if that made me fat even when that fat made it virtually impossible to enjoy my life. Even when it clogged my arteries and raised my cholesterol and made me tired just from being awake.

I had an easier time interacting only with people online and avoiding my in real life friends and I didn’t care if that caused me to miss out on life and ultimately lose touch with many amazing people.

And, sadly, there were days where I just didn’t care about my job. Days when the comfort of my bed, and its ability to shield me from the rest of the world, kept me from not only my responsibility as an employee but also kept me from something I loved.

So if you ask me what I am afraid of the answer is simple- that girl I once was. Because, in my opinion, (for whatever that’s worth) once you stop caring you are basically conceding that you give up on life.

And I, for one, do not want to give up on life…

Love and hugs-