Full Disclosure

I am full on focused on weight loss right now.

I hadn’t been for awhile. I thought I probably shouldn’t be. I struggled with the whole ‘health at every size, advocate for acceptance, love myself as is’ mentality that was making me feel like I couldn’t also focus on weight loss.

Like in my head I could accept myself as is OR I could want to change BUT I couldn’t accept myself AND want to change. That seemed wrong. It seemed hypocritical.

But it isn’t. Body acceptance/self-love and  the desire to want to change how I look aren’t mutually exclusive things. I can love myself now and still want to lose weight…I mean, isn’t that how I got here in the first place?

When people ask me how I was able to lose 130 pounds I always say I found self-love early on in my journey and that allowed me to make the choices that reflected the future I wanted for myself and kept me on the path that allowed me to get there.

So what’s different now? I mean, aside from weighing less than I did 4 years ago when I made this  discovery what’s different?

Nothing!

Honestly, it was ok for me to be that way then and it is ok for me that way now. Meaning it is ok for me to focus on weight loss now because it is coming from that same place of love and concern, that same desire to be healthy and active and fully participate in my life. But in my head I had it all wrong. I thought because I was all about the HAES philosophy and beauty from within and loving and accepting who you are and feeling good in your skin and not measuring worth from beauty (or size) that I would be a big hypocrite to turn around and say I want to lose weight. It feels like it even now when I type it but maybe that’s because so many times I have seen stories of people wanting to lose weight for the wrong reasons, for unhealthy reasons and that does go against what I believe. But for me, right now, I want to lose weight for the same reasons I did back then. I just have a lot less to lose.

Maintenance isn’t easy….I am sure you hear people say that all the time.  For me it is more like a big jigsaw puzzle that I am trying to put together and every time I get close to figuring it out someone comes and throws the pieces on the floor and I have to start over. But not really start over from piece one. There are still some sections of pieces are still assembled and I am able to see the big picture even with the missing pieces it's just that I am not finished. And I probably won’t ever be. I will probably cycle through weight gain and loss (on a small scale) all of my life. My life is not, nor do I hope it ever is, consistent enough to always eat the same way and exercise the same amount and sleep regularly every night. It just isn’t, and that is ok. I like my sometimes whirlwind life.

But what I came here to say, in full disclosure, is that I want to lose 10 pounds. I just do. I run better, my clothes fit better, I am not so self-conscious, I feel better, I sleep better, I am just better when I don’t have to worry about the negative impacts of my weight. I also want to be able to come here and talk about it, openly. I want to be able to tell you that I rejoined Weight Watchers (a program that I left 3 years ago) because I was desperately trying to figure out what I was doing wrong this time around, why nothing was working- which as you know turned out to be my health, not my lack of trying. I also bought Cize (the new fitness program from Shaun T- it’s all dance routines and I love it) and started back with Shakeology and even signed up to be a Beach Body coach, even though I doubt I will get too involved right away since I am overwhelmed with school right now. I am just trying to find what works for me now, which is going to be different than what worked for me then….maybe. But I want to be able to talk about it and not feel ashamed or embarrassed or hypocritical.  And now that I type that I can say I don’t, and that I was silly to even think I would.

I just want to tell you where I am right now in my life with my weight loss/maintenance and not keep anything off the table. Being honest with you keeps me honest with myself. And if I am being honest I should tell you that I was struggling for a bit back there. But now, well now I think I am finally making some head way and am ready to talk about it.

And since that it is all out in the open here are some funny weight loss memes to lighten the mood J

Swap out cheesecake with pizza and this is so me....

Love and hugs,

Dacia

xoxoxox

Black Lives Matter

I wrote this post on my personal Facebook page after feeling overwhelmed, yet again, from the discussions and readings pertaining to the paper I am writing for one of my grad classes. The purpose of my paper is to answer this question - Why Do Black Lives Matter? And let me just say, this class and this research- some days it cripples me. This is a tough topic, fueled by a difficult situation and terrible occurrences that have been happening in our own backyard over the past few years. But this starts way before the Black Lives Matter movement began. This goes much further back into our nation's history. For this class we started with the 1860's with the book "12 Years a Slave" then we moved on to "Slavery by Another Name" and then "The New Jim Crow". I have been researching newspaper articles and peer reviewed journals about the movement and associated issues since the Trayvon Martin case and archival sources covering the Civil Rights Movement forward. I have been eyeball deep in tragedy and injustice. It's overwhelming, especially for someone like me re: highly sensitive.

Last night, after another tough class, I was filled with thoughts and anger and despair from some of the discussions we had in class. From those feelings came this post and I just wanted to share it all with you. Because this topic is so important to me. I think it should be important to us all. We are one race, the human race and we need to start living our lives where our actions are reflective of that.

I am not editing anything I wrote...just leaving it as is, typos and all.

"I apologize in advance for the length of this post but I have alot on my mind. As you have probably seen me mention I am currently researching the Black Lives Matter movement for one of my grad classes. It has been eye-opening to say the least. One of the points that has been discussed in class is that there are people that feel that the BLM movement diminishes the value of other lives. No,from how I see it it is not the Black Lives Matter More movement, it is the Black Lives Matter, too movement. But still, there are people (and maybe rightfully so) that will say what about military lives? what about transgender lives? don't they matter? They do! Because ALL LIVES MATTER. One movement does not lessen the value or importance of another. They can all matter simultaneously and harmoniously if we allow them to. It's not a battle...it is about raising awareness. 

Here is what I think. I think this world is a pretty crappy place sometimes. There is alot of bad. Rape, domestic violence, terrorism, sex trafficing, murder (MURDER!), there is crime and injustice and bigotry and hate and all sorts of terrible shit everywhere throughout the world. And if you think about it too much for too long you may want to curl into a ball and hide from it all. I don't know the answer as to how we teach others to value human life, I don't. I don't know how we change all of this but I think it starts with this- TOLERANCE. 

We are all different, each and every one of us. Not just our skin color or sexual preference, it is in every tiny thing that makes us who we are. And just because I am different than you that does not necessarily make me worse or better as a person. It just makes me me and you you. and we are not the same EXCEPT for the fact that we are both human beings and our bodies and mind function the same way. BUT even though we are different you can still like me as a person, you and I could even be friends. We can learn from one another and have a healthy relationship that adds value to each other's lives. No, I am not saying that you need to like or love every person on the planet. There are people that maybe we just are too different to relate to, maybe there is too much conflict or confusion and turmoil. But that doesn't mean we have to hate them for that. Why not just be tolerant and accepting of differences and move on. Worry about yourself. Your family. The things that are important to you. That has to be the starting point to change. Tolerance, acceptance, respect, peace. 

I have friends that are conservative and liberal, catholic and jewish, gay and straight, rich and poor, white, black and purple. Do I agree with everything they believe? Probably not. Do I still love and respect them? Of course. But I need to offer that same to all mankind to the best of my abilities. It is my duty. If I want to see a change then I have to live a life filled with actions that reflect it. I have to be a vehicle of change. And you do too. We need to be better. We need to stop this unnecessary violence and hate. People need to just stop killing each other. People need to just stop hating. It is heart breaking. 

So today and every day I vow to try and be more tolerant, more accepting, more loving. I need to be...or else what is the point? 

I also shared a link to a story about India Clarke, a 25 year old transgender woman that was found beaten to death on Tuesday. Here is the link. 

Chime in, I would love to hear from you about these topics. How can we facilitate change? 

Love and hugs,
Dacia
xoxoxox

The Fog is Lifting

I know I posted about this on my blog Facebook page and so you probably already know this. But still I am going to do a short recap and catch every up to speed and then fill you in on the details. On Monday I met with my doctor for my semi-annual checkup. You know normal, routine maintenance. Once a year she sends me for blood work and this was the visit in which we reviewed the results. Here is the skinny…

The Good

Blood pressure: 108/70

Cholesterol: 142
HDL: 66 (good cholesterol - normal is >46)
Triglycerides: 96 (normal is <150)
LDL: 57 (bad cholesterol - normal is <130)
Glucose: 77 (normal range 65-99)
Vitamin D: 48 (optimal is >=30)
 


*She always comments on how healthy I am and how great my numbers are which makes me happy :)

The Not So Good

Vitamin B12: 305 (down from 327 in May and 658 last year)

TSH levels: 4.58 (normal range is .40-4.20 so just slightly elevated but it is a jump from last year's 1.53)

So let’s start first with the TSH because this is a quick recap. She said the jump could be an anomaly or it could be a sign of Hashimoto’s. She sent me for additional blood work (a T3, T4 and another TSH screening) and the results all came back normal. My TSH was down to 3 and my T3 and T4 were right in the midst of the normal range. Her recommendation is additional blood work screenings every 6 months for the TSH levels and that is it for now. Glad to know that everything checked out good on Monday. Also glad she did additional testing first before prescribing me any (unnecessary, clearly) meds. 

However, the B12 is kind of a big issue. Not because it dropped so much over a year but because it dropped since May. See, back in May (after I came back from Ragnar) I was a mess. I was so tired and so sick for a few days that I ended up at urgent care and my doctor’s just to make sure everything was ok. It was ok. Well, everything except my B12 so the doc had me start taking a high dose supplement which I did so regularly. I was adamant about it. I maybe missed it two times over the past 8ish weeks. I wanted to feel better.

But I never did. I just stayed like a zombie. Life was difficult. I was tired all the time. And even though I was still able to make (most days) fitness and healthy eating my priority it was a struggle. I just was not myself and it was taking its toll.

Fast forward to Monday’s checkup and the realization that my levels dropped even while taking a supplement and the doc said I needed to either go on injections or a nasal spray B12 because my body was not absorbing it. I opted for the injections and my first was that morning. My second was yesterday. And today…..

Well today I feel like the fog is finally lifting. 

You have no idea guys…I feel like a new person. Or actually I just feel like my old self. Today was the first day in two months that I actually woke up when my alarm went off and was awake. For two months I have been a zombie, I don't know a better way to describe it. No amount of sleep was never enough. And because I was always tired I was also super moody. I couldn’t focus at work. I was super irritable. It was not fun. I was not fun.

But today, today I feel like the tide has finally shifted and I might finally be on the way back to the person I was a few months ago and I am freaking ecstatic. You guys, I just can’t believe it. I guess I got so accustomed to feeling crappy all the time that I didn’t even realize how bad it was….until it wasn’t anymore.

I am so thankful that I go for semi-annual checkups and try to stay on top of my health. Because if I didn't I would still be feeling like crap and that would suck. My health is my top priority and so I need to make sure I am doing things in my life that reflect that and regular screenings is one of those things. Anyway, this is all just to show that this is why it is important to get regular checkups. Even when you feel healthy. I go every 6 months and now will be getting blood work checks every 6 months as well, to monitor both the TSH levels and the Vitamin B12 levels.

The more you know, right?  

Thanks NBC

(this has been your daily public service announcement)

Love and hugs, 

Dacia

xoxoxoxo

Weight <> Worth

Sometimes I am just coasting along in life. Happy. Oblivious. Thinking all is good and well and fine and dandy.

Then BAM!

I totally lose my shit for no reason.

Or at least for what would appear to an outsider as no reason.

Does this ever happen to you? One innocuous thing triggers a meltdown/freak out and then the floodgates open and all the stuff that you have buried away, pretending it doesn’t exist, comes pouring out?

Well it happens to me. I think I am not alone when I talk about these things but maybe I am. Who knows? But even if I am, even if you can’t relate, I still need to talk about it.

So what happened today, you ask?

Well this morning I woke up a little late but no big deal. It’s Friday and I am usually struggling Friday mornings (after my crazy long days on Thursday) to get moving. I woke up, worked out, packed my lunch (which is typically packed the night before except for on Friday). I was about to pull together an outfit to wear to work before I hopped in the shower and that is when it happened. I discovered that my work clothes were still in the dryer from Monday (yeah, that happens some times) which would normally not matter except they weren’t dry. What they were was a giant stinky, mildew-y ball of wrinkled nastiness. Whoops. No clean work clothes.

Cue mad dash throughout the house to find something to wear. Still no big deal except I was running late and am now even later and I can feel the stress building up.

I was digging through my closet (WHY THE HELL DO I HAVE SO MANY SWEATERS AND LONG-SLEEVED TOPS??? I LIVE IN FLORIDA!!!) and I just can’t get my head straight. I pull out a top- can’t wear it (because it shows my tattoos), I pull out a dress and I can’t fit in it- too tight around my arms and chest. And that is when it happens. The floodgates open.

Cue sobbing freak out about weight….

I am so fat. Nothing fits me. I look terrible. I guess I will just be a worthless, fat, piece of shit forever.

Followed by sobbing and some crazy high pitched squealing noises.

And what’s even worse. Something similar happened 2 weeks ago while E and I were driving to visit his family for 4^th of July. We were not ten minutes from his Mom’s house when I had an out of the blue meltdown.

I look so disgusting. How could you let me wear this? The kids are going to make fun of me. My arms are so fat and jiggly. Why would I think I could wear this dress in public? Your family is going to think I am so gross.

This meltdown led to us pulling over, me changing into a different outfit, freaking out again, and then changing back. You know what happened? The minute we pulled into the driveway and I saw that big smile on his niece's face as our car pulled up I didn’t give the dress I was wearing another thought. 

What happened today? Well, I found an outfit of course. I mean I didn’t go to work naked. I got dressed, calmed the fuck down, apologized to E for my emotional freak out (which he ever so kindly did not judge me for), and went to work.

But here is what is killing me. This pattern. This showing of negative, harsh, critical self-talk. The feeling of no matter how much I continually tell myself that weight is just a number not a measure of my worth I still say things like I will just be a worthless, fat, piece of shit forever.

The truth is yes, I have gained some weight. More now than what I weighed three years ago. (I am addressing this – that topic will be saved for another post) And yes, maybe I am fat. Or at least I am currently the proud owner of some new fat. However I should say that. BUT I am not fat and therefore worthless. 

Being overweight does not affect my worth. And the fact that I still, subconsciously, make that connection between the two is scary. Hearing myself utter those words today sucked.

Which is why I am talking to you about it. Because I need to say it out loud.

MY WORTH IS NOT AFFECTED BY MY WEIGHT

It is not lowered or raised or determined by the number on the scale. My worth comes from being a good person. My worth is created by my capacity to love, my kindness, my contribution to society. None of which are impacted by that number on the scale. 

MY WORTH IS NOT AFFECTED BY MY WEIGHT

I will continue to say it again and again until I believe it. Fake it until you make it, right?

I know that this process takes time. And I know I have come a helluva long way from the person that hated herself on the regular 5 years ago. I have progressed leaps and bounds. I do love myself. I do. I just sometimes forget how to show it.

Thanks for hearing me today.

Love and hugs,

Dacia

xoxoxoxo

Food is My Favorite "F" Word

Part two of the Eat. Move, Love series is about getting educated about food without falling for the hype.

As you know, I am a vegan.

People ask me if I chose to be a vegan in order to lose weight. The answer to that- yes and no. I decided to follow a plant based diet after months of food journaling (all while I was losing weight ‘normally’, mind you) showed me that this would be a good switch for my body. I thought it would probably be a temporary thing…more like an experiment. But I listened to my body, found what worked for me, and haven’t looked back.

But just because I opt to follow a plant based diet doesn’t automatically mean I am healthy. I could live off of pancakes and French fries and still be eating a plant-based diet but I would be far from healthy. Vegan doesn’t necessarily equate to healthy. Although it can.

Really, any diet can be healthy. I am not saying how I eat is the way to go.

On the contrary, as much as I love being a vegan and have learned so much since I made the change, rarely will I force my opinion onto others. At least not unless I am asked first.

You see I think there are many ways to eat that support healthy living. My way (when I follow a whole foods, plant-based diet- not an all cupcake all the time diet) is just one of them. What works best for you, your physical and mental wellbeing, well that is for you to determine.

But if you want my advice I would say start big. Pick a few broad food rules that you can live by and start from there. Make it easy on yourself to form healthy and sustainable habits. Don’t deprive yourself. Your body needs food to live. And even more so, good food to thrive.

So maybe start there…

Eat real food. You can’t go wrong with this one. Try to incorporate more whole foods and pair back the processed stuff. Eat some fruit, some veggies, some nuts and seeds. Eat things that give your body the micro (vitamins, minerals, amino acids) and macro nutrients (fat, protein, carbs – yes you need all three) it needs to survive.  

There are so many food fads and trends out there (some would even categorize veganism as one) and I feel that some days it’s all a bit much. But what are these fads doing for your body? Can you sustain that lifestyle? Would you even want to?

I am not saying that all food trends are bad and that you should stay away from them. What I would like to say is this- do some research, talk to a doctor or, even better, an RD or a nutritionist, see what information you can find about food and determine what your body needs. If you choose to cut out certain micros or macros what will your body be missing out on? Will you need to take supplements? Etc….

I am so lucky that this rarely happens to me but the big question most vegans are posed with is ‘where do you get your protein?’ or the usually overly critical statement of ‘you aren’t eating enough protein’. Don’t worry- I am good on protein intake. I’ve got that covered. BUT here is something my nutritionist taught me about a few years ago. I needed to watch my fat intake. Not because it was too high but because it was too low. It is easy for someone following a whole foods plant-based diet to not get enough fat – there is not much, if any, fat in plants. But my body needs fat in order to absorb the fat-soluble vitamins like vitamin A, D, E and K. A low fat intake could lead to vitamin deficiency. These vitamins help to regulate blood pressure, heart rate and the nervous system as well as a whole bunch of vital bodily functions. So, lesson learned. I needed to eat more fats!

And that really is the point of all this. Don’t take anything at face value. Do some research. Educate yourself. Find what works best for your body but also be ok with tweaking and changing as needed. I eat more avocado now. Flax seeds (and oil) and nuts are my friends. I track my macros because I want to make sure the diet I am choosing for my body is giving it what it needs. Am I perfect about this? No. Am I aware and educated about this? I certainly try to be.

Love and hugs,

Dacia

xoxoxoxox

My Daily Reminder

Have you heard the saying (I’m paraphrasing here) that we are too busy chasing happy to realize we are already happy?

I don’t want to live my life chasing happy. I want to recognize every day that I already am.

Sometimes I get so focused on the end goal that I overlook the adventure of getting there.

I don’t want to get that laser focus, tunnel vision on my goals and forget about how much fun and how much awesome is happening while I am working on getting there.

And I admit, that I can sometimes (more than I would like to admit) get caught up in how other people are living their life, their fitness game, their end results.

I don’t want to waste my days ‘Keeping Up with the Jones’. I don’t. I want to be enough. I want to be OK.

Guess what?

I already am.

Actually, I am pretty fucking awesome.

So why is it so hard to recognize this? Or better yet, why is it so easy to forget this? Oh so many reasons.

But mainly it boils down to this. I am surrounded by awesome. So. Much. Awesome.

My friends and family are out there kicking ass- running marathons, having babies, becoming doctors. You name it. Each and every person I know is just killing it at life. And sometimes it makes me want to do all the things and be just like them. Could you blame me? I may be awesome but they are so much awesomer so I need to do better, be better, be more awesome, right????

NO! Not right!

I am awesome at being Dacia. I have got Dacia down pat. I can be a more awesome Dacia but only by improving and adjusting and tweaking the current Dacia….NOT BY TRYING TO MIMIC SOMEONE ELSE.

And that- that right there ^^^ is what I need to remember. I can be a better me, but only by being better at being me.

Today I write this as a reminder to myself.

I AM HAPPY

there is nothing for me to chase

MY PATH IS WHAT DEFINES ME AND BRINGS ME JOY

not the destination

BEING ME IS ENOUGH. IT IS OK. IT IS AWESOME. I AM AWESOME.

and you are too!

What is something you need to remind yourself of today?

Love and hugs,

Dacia

xoxoxoxo

Eat, Move, Love: Priorities

Heather, Thea and I hosted a small group discussion at Fitbloggin’ Denver this year called Eat, Move, Love: Finding Yourself without Losing Your Mind. The session went really well. And although we didn’t necessarily get to discuss all outlined bullet points behind the topic we still had an hour long session filled with great ideas, comments and feedback. I really enjoyed it and you can read a recap of it here.

But because this topic is so meaningful to me I wanted to pull the themes we based it around into a recurring blog post. Today’s theme will be:  setting your priorities honestly and realistically.

I should start off by saying that although the session was led by myself, Thea and Heather the opinions shared regarding topics I discuss here are my own. Not saying that Thea and Heather disagree, just saying that I am the only one contributing here.

Honest and Realistic Priorities

What does that even mean?

Well, to me that means that the priorities I am setting for myself are what I actually want to achieve and can be achieved within my constraints. My priorities are reflective of the life I want to lead. 

Let’s look at this from a goal-setting perspective for examples….

I kind of think of it this way- although something may be a realistic and achievable goal it might not be something I would actually want to do. Case and point (I feel like I have used these examples before- sorry for the repetition) – doing an unassisted pull-up. Is this a realistic goal for me (in terms of fitness) I would say yes. I think with enough time and training I could do an unassisted pull up. BUT if I am being honest with myself I would know that spending all my fitness time and training focused on achieving this goal would really not be fun for me. I like variety. So setting this as a fitness goal would not honestly be something I would want. On the flip side- qualifying for the Boston Marathon. Running a marathon is honestly one of my goals (once I have the time to dedicate to the training miles hopefully fall 2016) but realistically I will never be a fast enough runner to qualify for Boston. I just won’t. I am physically not designed to be an efficient runner. And I am ok with that. I like how I run, I like being able to meet and achieve personal goals. But I am also not naive enough to think I could ever BQ. To me, that would not be a realistic goal.

So, given these two examples you see how I have differentiated between realistic and honest. Here is what this translates to in my life.

My priority this week is to make every meal from scratch using only organic, local foods (from my garden preferably) – no processed foods, stick to the meal plan.

Is this a good priority for me to set? NO! Because it is both unrealistic (I have neither time nor the means to accomplish this) and not really honest either (I enjoy a break from eating in every meal, I like to dine out or grab a beer once in a while).

Instead my priority would be: meal plan and make weekday meals at home. Limit processed food. Follow 80/20 for eating out.  Drink only on the weekend. In this case this as a priority that would work for me because I do have the time and means to prepare my meals during the week, even when limiting processed foods, and I can honestly stick to it knowing that I have the built in flexibility for a meal or drink out a couple times during the weekend.

My priority this month is to lose ten pounds

Is this a good priority for me to set? NO! I mean, for my size, I think 10 pounds in a month is unrealistic. Even at the early stages of my weight loss journey I wasn’t losing 10 pounds in a month so it would be silly of me to think I could do so now, at least not in a healthy manner. Also, if I am being honest with myself, do I want to set a number goal? Not really. I am trying to move past that ‘controlled by the scale’ mentality. Setting my priorities around a number goal would be counter effective.

Instead my priority would be: spend the next month finding joy in movement. Eat well for my body and to support an active lifestyle. Do what brings me (honest) happiness.  If this was my priority (which it actually is) then I could create goals and build ideas to help support it. Meaning, set a goal to do yoga at least twice a week, incorporate more raw meals- maybe breakfasts and lunches during the week, schedule time for self-care and activities I truly enjoy doing. I would still schedule and plan, because I think routine works for me, but my priority is better aligned with what I want and what I have the ability to do.

The two things I mentioned are my current life priorities when it comes to health, wellness and fitness. I have other priorities too which revolve around school, work and social stuff. I think it is important to take time to make sure the priorities you set for yourself are realistic and honest, otherwise you won’t be able to maintain them.

What are your priorities? Do you ever fall into the habit of setting priorities that are neither realistic nor honest? How do you combat this?

Love and hugs,

Dacia 

xoxoxox

Mental Health Monday: Anxiety

Welcome to Mental Health Monday!  This idea was born from a session at Fitbloggin' 15 led by Steph (of Athlete at Heart) and Liz (of Prior Fat Girl) on Depression, Anxiety and Healthy Living.  Every 1st and 3rd Monday one of those wonderful ladies will host a link up for others to share their experiences with mental illness – either from personal experience or from the experience of helping and walking with others. The goal is to reach out to the world and let people know they are not alone in their struggles.  You are never alone.  Join in– link up, visit new blogs, support others.  Speak out:  “I am crazy…CRAZY AWESOME!”  (You are welcome to use the badge below!)

For my first post in the Mental Health Monday link up I want to talk about an issue I struggle with – anxiety. If you have been reading this blog for a while then you probably know that mental illness (in many forms) is something I am familiar with and it is something I discuss openly and honestly in an effort to help remove the stigma. For today, I want to talk about the mental illness that affects me in my everyday life. Although my anxiety has gotten better over the years, it is still something I struggle with. And I want to talk about it because, just like everything else I share here, it is a part of what makes me, me. 

I am not sure I come across this way but maybe you think that I have my shit together all the time. Maybe you think because I have a happy life and am always up to something new and exciting that my life is perfect. But it’s not. I mean, seriously, no one’s life is perfect. And although I really don’t have much I can complain about and yes, for the most part, things are pretty awesome I am still a human. I still have problems. I still have to actively focus of my health, wellbeing and state of mind or shit can go south pretty quickly.

And even on the happiest of days when I am off to spend time with family or friends or E and doing something I love anxiety still can creep its way in. I feel it. I can sense when it is coming. I do know how to control it- but executing/maintaining control isn’t always easy. Life gets in the way, you know what I mean?

Anywho- my point is there are still times when I have panic attacks “for no reason at all”. I used quotes there because to an outsider that’s what it might look like- me freaking out for no reason. But I assure you, that is not the case. Not that I am saying that every panic attack I have had was caused by some mega important stressor or trigger….most likely it wasn’t. Honestly the things that trigger my attacks would probably seem insignificant to most but to me they seem HUGE. Knowing what those triggers are helps, knowing how to calm myself down helps, having someone to talk me through it helps…but those coping methods aren’t 100% fail proof. I can still have a full blown panic attack even when I am doing/saying all of the right things.

That’s me.

That’s the illness.

I can be better and do better and try harder and educate others but it is still there. And sometimes it wins.

What helps?

Being 37 and having dealt with it for a very long time. I have definitely ‘grown into’ my illness.

Talking openly about it and having support around me that can help me through. I am no longer embarrassed about it and know well enough (most times) to ask for help when I need it.

Understanding triggers and working to lessen their frequency. A lot of the stress in my life is stress I put on myself. I sometimes set high expectations for myself and that causes me a lot of unnecessary worry. I know now that if I am going to set these goals and expectations that I also need to know how to balance out that stress/worry so it won’t feel so overwhelming.

Taking care of myself. Not overloading. Asking for help. Meditation or something that quiets the mind. Exercise. SELF CARE! All of these help mitigate stress in my life. Happy mind, happy body, happy Dacia.

But maybe most importantly….

Accepting that sometimes anxiety will win the fight. But knowing that I am strong enough to win the battle.

I hope you will join me in the Mental Health Monday link up. If you feel comfortable, please post something on the first and third Monday of each month and help us remove the dark cloud the stigma of mental illness has us hiding behind. If you participate in this week's posting Liz has the linkup on her page: Prior Fat Girl so be sure to share yours there :)

Love and hugs,

Dacia

xoxoxox

Fitbloggin' 2015: Soybu Fashion Show

A few weeks before Fitbloggin’ I was asked if I would want to participate in the lunch time fashion show during the conference. This year the sponsor would be Soybu which meant I would get to don an awesome outfit from them. I, of course, said yes because….FREE CLOTHES! Even if it meant I had to walk a catwalk in front of a few hundred people, it was worth the anxiety and nerves and possible embarrassment.

Abby at Soybu sent us out our outfits ahead of time so that way we could try them on and let them know of any size adjustments before we arrived in Denver. A few days before I left for Denver I hadn’t yet received my outfit. I reached out to Heather (who was also participating in the fashion show) to see if she got hers. She had. It was a maxi skirt and a shirt. If you know me in real life, then you know I wear maxi skirts almost every day. I refer to them, lovingly, as crotchless yoga pants. They are my jam. Anywho, after hearing Heather received a maxi skirt I was pretty excited. And I was feeling much less nervous about the show because if I was going to be wearing clothes that I am used to/comfortable wearing then it would be no big deal.

Ha! I was sooooo wrong. The day before I left for Denver my outfit arrived. It was not a maxi skirt…not even close. It was three pieces:

Larkin Tank Echo

Sylvie Capri Pink Halftone

Levity Bra Pink Halftone

*photos courtesy of the Soybu website

What you might not be able to see clearly from the picture is that the tank is mesh in the front. I would be wearing that and a sports bra and nothing else on my torso. Talk about stepping outside of my comfort zone. Not only would I be participating in a fashion show, I would be doing so half naked. Ok, not really half naked but much more exposed than my normal workout gear. BUT if there was ever a time and place to break out of my comfort zone it is Fitbloggin’. I knew no matter how I looked or what happened on the stage my FB family would be in that audience cheering me on.

*photos courtesy of Fitbloggin'/CarrieD Photography 

So, I did it. Even when every fiber of my being wanted to back out or ask for a different outfit, I did it. And because I wanted to share this with E (and with you too, of course) I asked my friend Dre to video it for me. So…here it goes. My two minutes of modeling. 

I cannot tell you how much fun this was. I am so so so happy that I took a chance and tried something I would normally have said no to doing. This fashion show was a big step for me. I mean, I have gotten pretty good about wearing tank tops and bikinis and other 'revealing' clothing when I am out on the beach or around town because I live in Florida. I mean, I really don't have a choice. It's freaking hot here. But to strut my stuff on the catwalk having all eyes from the audience on me,  wearing something quasi-revealing and then show off my sports bra...yeah, that was totally a new feeling for me. Like I said on the video- I felt empowered. I really did. I was on cloud 9 all weekend because that moment left me feeling like such a badass. Plus I got alot of compliments on my booty so that made me feel great. Trust me, the cut and style of the capris helped to optimize my booty. I am definitely a huge fan of Soybu now! 

And because Soybu is such an amazing company they have given me a discount code to extend to my readers. Isn't that awesome??? 

• Code: Roots15

• Expiration: July 31, 2015

• Offer: 25% OFF entire order

Soybu has a varied product line (swim, yoga, lounge, accessories, etc) for women, men, plus and girls. The quality and comfort is top notch. You know I would not be recommending them to you if it wasn't. I even reached out to them to see if they would offer a discount code for you just because I love their product so much! 

I hope you will check them out (soybu dot com) and if you do, be sure to let me know what you think! 

Love and hugs, 

Dacia

xoxoxox