Sometimes I am just coasting along in life. Happy. Oblivious. Thinking all is good and well and fine and dandy.
I totally lose my shit for no reason.
Or at least for what would appear to an outsider as no reason.
Does this ever happen to you? One innocuous thing triggers a meltdown/freak out and then the floodgates open and all the stuff that you have buried away, pretending it doesn’t exist, comes pouring out?
Well it happens to me. I think I am not alone when I talk about these things but maybe I am. Who knows? But even if I am, even if you can’t relate, I still need to talk about it.
So what happened today, you ask?
Well this morning I woke up a little late but no big deal. It’s Friday and I am usually struggling Friday mornings (after my crazy long days on Thursday) to get moving. I woke up, worked out, packed my lunch (which is typically packed the night before except for on Friday). I was about to pull together an outfit to wear to work before I hopped in the shower and that is when it happened. I discovered that my work clothes were still in the dryer from Monday (yeah, that happens some times) which would normally not matter except they weren’t dry. What they were was a giant stinky, mildew-y ball of wrinkled nastiness. Whoops. No clean work clothes.
Cue mad dash throughout the house to find something to wear. Still no big deal except I was running late and am now even later and I can feel the stress building up.
I was digging through my closet (WHY THE HELL DO I HAVE SO MANY SWEATERS AND LONG-SLEEVED TOPS??? I LIVE IN FLORIDA!!!) and I just can’t get my head straight. I pull out a top- can’t wear it (because it shows my tattoos), I pull out a dress and I can’t fit in it- too tight around my arms and chest. And that is when it happens. The floodgates open.
Cue sobbing freak out about weight….
I am so fat. Nothing fits me. I look terrible. I guess I will just be a worthless, fat, piece of shit forever.
Followed by sobbing and some crazy high pitched squealing noises.
And what’s even worse. Something similar happened 2 weeks ago while E and I were driving to visit his family for 4th of July. We were not ten minutes from his Mom’s house when I had an out of the blue meltdown.
I look so disgusting. How could you let me wear this? The kids are going to make fun of me. My arms are so fat and jiggly. Why would I think I could wear this dress in public? Your family is going to think I am so gross.
This meltdown led to us pulling over, me changing into a different outfit, freaking out again, and then changing back. You know what happened? The minute we pulled into the driveway and I saw that big smile on his niece's face as our car pulled up I didn’t give the dress I was wearing another thought.
What happened today? Well, I found an outfit of course. I mean I didn’t go to work naked. I got dressed, calmed the fuck down, apologized to E for my emotional freak out (which he ever so kindly did not judge me for), and went to work.
But here is what is killing me. This pattern. This showing of negative, harsh, critical self-talk. The feeling of no matter how much I continually tell myself that weight is just a number not a measure of my worth I still say things like I will just be a worthless, fat, piece of shit forever.
The truth is yes, I have gained some weight. More now than what I weighed three years ago. (I am addressing this – that topic will be saved for another post) And yes, maybe I am fat. Or at least I am currently the proud owner of some new fat. However I should say that. BUT I am not fat and therefore worthless.
Being overweight does not affect my worth. And the fact that I still, subconsciously, make that connection between the two is scary. Hearing myself utter those words today sucked.
Which is why I am talking to you about it. Because I need to say it out loud.
MY WORTH IS NOT AFFECTED BY MY WEIGHT
It is not lowered or raised or determined by the number on the scale. My worth comes from being a good person. My worth is created by my capacity to love, my kindness, my contribution to society. None of which are impacted by that number on the scale.
MY WORTH IS NOT AFFECTED BY MY WEIGHT
I will continue to say it again and again until I believe it. Fake it until you make it, right?
I know that this process takes time. And I know I have come a helluva long way from the person that hated herself on the regular 5 years ago. I have progressed leaps and bounds. I do love myself. I do. I just sometimes forget how to show it.
Thanks for hearing me today.
Love and hugs,