Today I said goodbye.
I wish I could say it was easy; that we came to this agreement civilly and amicably but we didn’t. Unfortunately there was a lot of pain involved. Hurtful words and actions. Lies and deceit on both sides. All of it unintentional. All of it still hard to deal with.
Paul and I are not perfect. We have tried, although not always successfully, to work through this divorce in the best way possible- as friends. Unfortunately that was just not realistic anymore. By staying friends we were not giving each other the space we needed to heal and move on. By staying friends we hovered in relationship limbo that neither one of us belonged in. By staying friends each of us had to sacrifice a part of ourselves that we shouldn’t have. Now we know.
Now we move on.
January 16th is the date and it is right around the corner.
Until then we go our separate ways. I get set visitation times/days with the dogs and of course if we see each other in town we will be cordial and polite. Beyond that…well that’s not in the cards for us now. And maybe it won’t ever be.
Maybe the scars left behind are too deep.
Maybe the memories left behind are too painful.
Who knows? I certainly don’t and I don’t want to waste my time worrying about the what-ifs, you know? I can only accept that this is how it needs to be and move on.
So, today I wanted to take a minute to say goodbye in the way I should, a proper farewell. Who knows if Paul will ever read this but even if he doesn’t it is still something I need to say.
I need to say thank you for being my friend. For always supporting me and encouraging me.
Thank you for loving me when I couldn’t even love myself.
Thank you for always making me feel beautiful even when all I could see was an ugly, fat mess.
Thank you for Ruby and Maggie and keeping them now when I can’t. They are two of the most important parts of my life and I hope one day that they can live with me again.
Thank you for being a good friend; for watching all the Harry Potter movies and reading the Hunger Games books, for eating countless vegan concoctions (and only complaining a little bit) and drinking lots of craft beers with me.
Thank you for the mornings when you made me my lunch when I was running late (this happened frequently) and for knowing which clothes went in the dryer and which clothes had to be hung to dry.
Thank you for walking the dogs at 430a every day and for giving me a break since that was my job while you were gone.
Thank you for vegan s’mores, 30 presents on my 30th birthday, for campfires and concerts.
Thank you for Florida, New Jersey, Ohio, Washington, Texas and Florida again.
Thank you for the Fiat because you wanted me to be safe.
Thank you for always holding my purse when we shopped.
Thank you for always telling me I looked nice, even when I didn’t and of course waiting for an hour while I tried to figure out what I wanted to wear.
Thank you for knowing my favorite band, my favorite food, my favorite beer, my favorite flower, and my favorite movie. I know you knew them all.
Thank you for grocery shopping when I felt sick. For attempting to follow recipes. For knowing how to soak almonds and how to use a nut milk bag. Thank you for knowing all the kooky stuff I did and not making me feel bad or different because of it.
Thank you for listening to countless hours spent talking about my blog/fitbloggin’/my blog friends. Thanks for meeting them and embracing them and their stories the way you did with mine.
Thank you for helping me undress when I got shat on by like 30 birds. That was a mess.
Thank you for holidays and birthdays and Wednesdays - every day we spent together.
Thank you for being proud of me and always telling me so.
Thank you for college and grad school. Thank you for late nights and early mornings.
Thank you for being there at the finish line.
Thank you for being my friend, my lover, and my better half.
I will never forget these last ten years and I will try my absolute best to never let the bad memories eclipse the good, because I know there are far more good ones. And those are the ones that count.
I hope you have an amazing life, Paul, filled with love and happiness and someone who can give you everything I couldn’t.
Because at the end of the day, I just want you to be happy.
Goodbye and take care-