Friday, September 20, 2013

How?

Just the other day I was talking with a friend/co-worker of mine. He kind of knows a bit of my story (you know, the whole I lost a whole normal sized person’s worth of weight thing) and I kind of tell him here and there about how that has changed me.

Changed me in ways I couldn’t have even begun to imagine.

Yesterday I started to tell him about this part of my story. The blog. The network I have because of it. The insane affect social media has had on my life. The support. The friendships. The bestest of memories. And how I really would not be where I am today without any of it.

Did he fully understand it? Probably not. I tried to paint a good picture but it’s hard to really understand this relationship, this lifestyle, unless you live it.

But one of the things I really could not stress to him enough was the mental aspect of weight loss. How working through my underlying issues (some of them I am sure are still buried inside me somewhere) was way more difficult than losing the weight. That trying to find acceptance in myself (and others) is often at times challenging, and has definitely at times felt impossible. That the unconscious habit of comparing myself to other people has yet to go away. How every day (even 123 pounds later) I still have to make a conscious effort to implement the plans I set for myself, the ones that will get me to my goals.

Has it gotten easier? Sure. After 31 months I would hope it would. But every day isn’t easy. There are setbacks. Days I just want to throw my hands up and say eff it all. Days where I hide from my friends, my network, because I am ashamed. Days when someone else’s progress and achievement makes me feel bad about myself. It happens.

I’m human.

But I am getting better. And yes, it is getting easier.

Today, I am proud of me.

Today, I know I am doing the best I can in this moment.

Today, I know I have a plethora of resources available to help me through anything in my life.

Today, I love myself a whole hell of a lot more than I did 31 months ago.

Today, I know I am worth it.

And that is awesome…

For me.

But through this journey, my journey, I learned my life is so much more than just me. It’s way more than what I need and what my goals are.

My life became about all of you, too.

About trying to be a better friend.

About trying to be someone else’s support system.

A resource for others to reach out and find.

A helping hand.

And above all a person who can show others they are important. That they are beautiful and smart and funny and loving and all the wonderful things that make them who they are. A person who stops with the judging and helps others to do the same. A person that can help others find acceptance, their self-love, just like so many women in my life have helped me do.

I really just want to be a person that can do some good. Give back all that has been given to me. To make the people in my life feel as awesome and loved as they make me feel.

I want to do more.

I am filled with so much gratitude and hope and strength and encouragement and I just want to share that with you.

So, I ask you this…how?

How can I be that person?

Serious question here folks, I really don’t know. I just know I want to do more.

This picture is completely irrelevant to the post. Just wanted to share another one of my happy places. Me and my favrorite tree- Smiley :)