Friday, April 10, 2015

The Next Phase

Over the past week I have written some very raw posts. I talked in depth about subjects I rarely discuss in private. Heck, these are topics I rarely even want to think about. These are the things I keep deep inside.

Last week I told you about my food addictions and my binge eating disorder.

Then I talked about my past and how this compulsive behavior didn’t start with food but that it is where it is now.

Yesterday I told you how I have been able to mask my disorder because of what I eat now. It is how I have lost and maintained and still never recovered from (although it has definitely slowed) from this compulsion.

So where does that put me today? Well, today I am scared.

Today I acknowledge that there is a problem. I accept that hiding it or denying it is never going to change it. And I vow to get help.

Why? Because what if this compulsive behavior doesn’t become about food anymore? Like I said it wasn’t always food driven. What if I turn to gambling? What if I turn to sex? Alcohol? What if I don’t get to the root of the problem and address these issues and learn how to eliminate compulsive behavior and it kills me? That’s some scary shit to realize…

I don’t want to die at my own hands, because of a problem I could have stopped.

I am not saying that it would ever get that far. I would like to think I am smarter and wiser to know better but you don’t know. I don’t know. So instead of just avoiding it I am going to fix it.

I am going to my first Overeaters Anonymous meeting on Monday.

Tuesday I meet with my new doctor at the weight management clinic. I am going to ask him for a referral for a therapist. In addition, I am going to have him help me look for patterns and help teach me ways to avoid these behaviors while I work on fixing the issue.

I am going to get back into yoga and meditation. I have been without both for too long and I think that is why my spirit and mental strength is weakened.

I am also vowing to myself to be kinder and more loving to me and everyone around me. I hate myself and then I take it out on the people I love. I am ashamed, angry, disappointed in myself/my actions and I take it out on the people I love. You see the pattern, right? So I need to be better. I need to be a better Dacia. I need to be more forgiving and more understanding and stop being such an a-hole when things aren’t going great. No one likes an a-hole.

So there it is folks. The next phase. Thank you for reading and reaching out to me with your comments and messages. This has definitely been the hardest and also the most cathartic week or so of my life. I am ready to turn the page and I know I can do it. Thank you for believing in me when I couldn’t.

Love and hugs,