Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Why Now?

Is it weird to come back to blogging in a time where blogs are kind of a thing of the past? Are blogs a thing of the past? I hear it is all about microblogging now. I really don’t know what that means- small blogs is my best guess. LOL!

Honestly, it’s ok if no one reads this.

My main goals is just to write.

I never really expected anyone to read my blog posts for the five years prior so now isn’t really any different.

I just need to write again.


Because a) it’s kind of unfair to Erick to have me dump every thought and emotion on him solely all the time. Poor guy, I am sure he misses me writing too. So reason A is really that I need another outlet.

But the main reason, I guess reason B, is that even though I have an outlet (and I am sure I have more outlets than just the hubs but sometimes I suck at communicating the hard stuff) there is still so much I have been burying inside. And when I do that it’s only me stuck with those thoughts. Those thoughts, which could be perfectly harmless had I just said them to someone else and had a normal conversation about them (or wrote about them in my blog), then turn to damaging thoughts.

Because those hidden thoughts and emotions had time to fester they’ve turned from something maybe a little negative to something off the charts negative. I have spent far too much time over this past year telling myself I was a failure. That I was disgusting. That I was not good enough. And you know what happened? I started to believe that.

I lost hope in myself.

I conceded.

I believed that was that and I was just destined to go back to that person I was six years ago. That girl that sat on the sidelines and passively watched her life pass her by.

I lost my identity.

And I gave up.

For months and months I just gave up. I was broken. I would never heal. I would never be that girl that ran back to back half marathons or finished a triathlon or would ride 50 miles on her bike just for fun. That girl was gone and she wasn’t coming back. And I had no fucking clue how to process that.

I don’t know what happened to bring me there or when I hit my breaking point but rock bottom came and that familiar feeling- that one I felt 6 years ago when I started this ‘journey’- hit me like a ton of bricks.

I didn’t give up six years ago. And I won’t give up now.

Life is so much more than race medals. I cannot run and I will probably never run again. But I am so much more than that.

And I can do so much more than that.

I just have to get there.

Baby steps.

Just like 6 years ago.

Baby steps.

I need this now the same way I needed it then. I need an outlet. I need a space to share everything. And  I need to be able to tell myself that I will be ok. I will get stronger and healthier, I will change my life again. And if I keep telling myself enough times I know I will start to believe it.

Baby steps.