Pizza...and Other Thoughts

Here is a random compilations of thoughts...in case you have nothing better to do with your time ;)

I want to eat pizza. Like all the time. I feel like I have an around the clock pizza craving and when I see pictures of pizza (vegan or not) on IG or FB the craving gets like a million times worse. That being said- I went to Mellow Mushroom on Sunday and didn’t order pizza (I order the tempeh hoagie) so that tells you about the weirdness happening in my body-mind food disconnect. I think it is because I had the world’s best pizza when I was out in Austin and now anything else I try will pale in comparison and make me sad.

BEST PIZZA EVER!!!

This recipe looks pretty legit though. I need to test it out some time:

Vegan Margherita Pizza

I want another dog. This is the ongoing battle of me wanting ALL the animals and Erick being a normal human that thinks we don’t need a full-on farm on our 0.10 acre of land. But in all seriousness, yes I do one day hope to have enough land so I can take in some farm animals and/or shelter animals that need love. But that day is not today. Not until we move out of the HOA and possibly not until we retire. But I do want a second dog, this was never a secret. I think dogs need friends. Plus I think each human should have their own dog. Gordie is Erick’s dog. They are best friends. And I am all alone. No, I’m not bitter that Gordie was supposed to be me dog but chose Erick instead. 

Ok, maybe I am a little bit.

Gordie needs a brother or sister, don't you think? 

I can’t believe our honeymoon is so soon! We decided to take our honeymoon during the time the university is closed so we can completely disconnect for a few weeks. I mean, yeah it is only early November and we aren’t leaving for another 38 days (who’s counting) but still. With everything going on between work, school, holidays and life events that time will fly by and in the blink of an eye we will be in Cabo J I CANNOT WAIT!!!!!

I dressed up as Princess Leia for Halloween and it scared the crap out of me. This year Erick and I finally decided to dress up for Halloween and we settled on Han Solo and Princess Leia. I went with the not very authentic (I would call her the quasi-slutty looking) Leia costume because someone preferred that over the more traditional, robe like Leia costume. Not pointing any fingers but I will tell you his name rhythms with Shmerick. ;)

Anywho, it took every ounce of courage and confidence to wear that costume. It was skin tight and sheer (double whammy) and I swear you could see every freckle and mark on my body but aside from that I knew that no matter where we went people would look/stare at me. And I am just not used to that. It made me feel really nervous and at times I just wanted to hide behind something or someone. Thankfully, we ended up just at a bar watching football so I was able to relax and not let my anxiety get the worst of me. Next year I want to wear a funny costume like the Spartan cheerleaders or Wayne & Garth – which were my first choices.

We are spending Thanksgiving camping. Well, not the day itself but the weekend after. We are spending Thanksgiving with Erick’s mom but then the next day we will be leaving to go camping for the weekend. I am so super looking forward to this. I grew up going camping and just think it is just the perfect way to relax and recharge. Erick has never camped. Like ever. Which is crazy to me. So I am excited that we will be able to experience this together. We used some Amazon gift cards we got as wedding gifts plus some of the cash and bought a tent. We splurged on one that is compatible with our Honda Element in the hopes that we will make camping a regular event in our lives. (S/N- up until this point I had no idea that there was such a thing as a tent for an SUV, did you? Sure seems like it will be useful though). We are bringing Gordie too and plan on doing lots of hiking and lots of marshmallow roasting.

Other than that (and yes, I still want pizza) there isn’t much else going on. Just the normal life stuff.

How are you? What's new in your world?

Love and hugs,

Dacia

xoxoxoxo

Hellloooooo....

I had thought about trying to make this one of those ‘if you and I were having coffee together I’d tell you…’ posts but really this is just a brain dump of me trying to play catch-up. It has been over a MONTH! Can you believe it? I mean, I knew I would be taking a hiatus but man- that was a long one.

Well, first and foremost. I should introduce myself. Hi, I’m Dacia Larin…that’s right. I got hitched! On 10/17 Erick and I made it official. There are not enough stories, pictures, videos, etc. from that day to adequately paint the picture of how amazing it was. The whole weekend was perfect- start to finish. I haven’t gotten my official wedding photos yet but I have a collection of about 300 compiled from ones I took myself plus those from people that attended out on FB, I have a few on IG, and I have this super amazing slideshow that Dre, our friend and photographer, put together. In case you want to see inside our wedding day.

Wedding Slideshow

Password: larootwedding

Some of my favorites from the wedding

I do hope that one day I can sit down and tell you all about the wedding weekend. Although it would probably need to be like a 4 part post. If you are interested at all in me doing that please let me know.

Since I have been away I finished up one of the two courses I was taking this semester. I actually took my final from my hotel room in Austin. That’s right- I haven’t posted since before ACL.  So much I am behind on. And wrapped up my final project the week before my wedding. Needless to say taking an 8 week accelerated course while planning and finalizing a wedding was not a great idea for my mental well-being. But I survived. And I got an A!

A crazy thing happened while I was in Austin…I cut my foot open on a rusty nut on a bolt sticking out of the sidewalk. There must have been a sign bolted down at some point and then removed and the bolts were left behind. Who knows, it was totally random. This required a trip to urgent care, a tetanus shot and a 10 day supply of antibiotics. That was so not awesome. It happened Sunday morning on the way to breakfast so Sunday at ACL was interesting. Definitely not how I wanted to end the most amazing ACL trip ever. All in all it was still an amazing time and I managed to make through almost all of Sunday’s shows- I just had to deal with the pain, the shoe issues and the gross antibiotics feelings for a while afterwards.

Sad to say it but I think next year will be Lollapalooza for us since it coincides with Fitbloggin' in Indy...ACL 2017 for sure! 

What else, what else…

Oh, weight loss.

Hmmmm….

Well, I am back at it again. Tracking, meal planning- the whole shebang. I gained a lot after/from ACL (I blame some of it on beers and burritos every day but I also blame those damn antibiotics) and then with the wedding life was just a bit too crazy for me to care. When I wasn’t traveling or wedding’ing I made the best choices I could- I cooked meals at home, I got in exercise when I could, I tracked, but during those other times- not a fuck was given. #truth Weight Watchers was the last thing on my mind.

I have gone back in and updated my weight loss tracking page for the last 4 weigh-ins I didn’t write about and I also updated my goals. A lot has changed in a month….more so than just my name.

So here I am. About a week back into my normal-ish routine and I am still working on it. The meal planning/prepping is almost always like second nature and I am pretty good at bouncing back into 80/20 but the activity is where I am losing focus. I just don’t know what I want to do right now. Yoga? Cize? I want to ride my bike all the time but I am limited there although I am planning on bringing one of my bikes to work so I can ride around during the day. I don’t feel like running – boring- and I don’t feel like even going to the gym. I just want to cuddle with my HUSBAND and our puppy and do that all the time. Why isn’t that enough? I am also cursing daylight standard (that's what this is right?) time for coming this weekend to steal my after work sunshine. Ugh! I hate this time of year.

Anywho that is where I am right now. Still working, still taking classes, still working on my weight loss mojo just now I am doing so as a married woman. Which really doesn’t change much of anything, I just like to talk about being married.

I will be back soon to check in after this weekend’s weigh-in and will hopefully have some fun Halloween pics to share with you and maybe even some ideas about how to get my fitness groove back. If you know how, please do tell ;)

Love and hugs,

Dacia

xoxoxoxox

Goodbye...

Today I said goodbye.

I wish I could say it was easy; that we came to this agreement civilly and amicably but we didn’t. Unfortunately there was a lot of pain involved. Hurtful words and actions. Lies and deceit on both sides. All of it unintentional. All of it still hard to deal with.

Paul and I are not perfect. We have tried, although not always successfully, to work through this divorce in the best way possible- as friends. Unfortunately that was just not realistic anymore. By staying friends we were not giving each other the space we needed to heal and move on. By staying friends we hovered in relationship limbo that neither one of us belonged in. By staying friends each of us had to sacrifice a part of ourselves that we shouldn’t have. Now we know.

Now we move on.

January 16^th is the date and it is right around the corner.

Until then we go our separate ways. I get set visitation times/days with the dogs and of course if we see each other in town we will be cordial and polite. Beyond that…well that’s not in the cards for us now. And maybe it won’t ever be.

Maybe the scars left behind are too deep.

Maybe the memories left behind are too painful.

Who knows? I certainly don’t and I don’t want to waste my time worrying about the what-ifs, you know? I can only accept that this is how it needs to be and move on.

So, today I wanted to take a minute to say goodbye in the way I should, a proper farewell. Who knows if Paul will ever read this but even if he doesn’t it is still something I need to say.

I need to say thank you for being my friend. For always supporting me and encouraging me.

Thank you for loving me when I couldn’t even love myself.

Thank you for always making me feel beautiful even when all I could see was an ugly, fat mess.

Thank you for Ruby and Maggie and keeping them now when I can’t. They are two of the most important parts of my life and I hope one day that they can live with me again.

Thank you for being a good friend; for watching all the Harry Potter movies and reading the Hunger Games books, for eating countless vegan concoctions (and only complaining a little bit) and drinking lots of craft beers with me.

Thank you for the mornings when you made me my lunch when I was running late (this happened frequently) and for knowing which clothes went in the dryer and which clothes had to be hung to dry.

Thank you for walking the dogs at 430a every day and for giving me a break since that was my job while you were gone.

Thank you for vegan s’mores, 30 presents on my 30^th birthday, for campfires and concerts.

Thank you for Florida, New Jersey, Ohio, Washington, Texas and Florida again.

Thank you for the Fiat because you wanted me to be safe.

Thank you for always holding my purse when we shopped.

Thank you for always telling me I looked nice, even when I didn’t and of course waiting for an hour while I tried to figure out what I wanted to wear.

Thank you for knowing my favorite band, my favorite food, my favorite beer, my favorite flower, and my favorite movie. I know you knew them all.

Thank you for grocery shopping when I felt sick. For attempting to follow recipes.  For knowing how to soak almonds and how to use a nut milk bag. Thank you for knowing all the kooky stuff I did and not making me feel bad or different because of it.

Thank you for listening to countless hours spent talking about my blog/fitbloggin’/my blog friends. Thanks for meeting them and embracing them and their stories the way you did with mine.

Thank you for helping me undress when I got shat on by like 30 birds. That was a mess.

Thank you for holidays and birthdays and Wednesdays - every day we spent together.

Thank you for being proud of me and always telling me so.

Thank you for college and grad school. Thank you for late nights and early mornings.

Thank you for being there at the finish line.

Thank you for being my friend, my lover, and my better half.

I will never forget these last ten years and I will try my absolute best to never let the bad memories eclipse the good, because I know there are far more good ones. And those are the ones that count.

I hope you have an amazing life, Paul, filled with love and happiness and someone who can give you everything I couldn’t.

Because at the end of the day, I just want you to be happy.

Goodbye and take care-

Dacia

Walking Away...

There is so much I want to write about but I am just not sure where to start.

Maybe I should start here…

I am very fortunate to have the life I have today. Very fortunate for my health, my friends and family, love, happiness, kindness, compassion- I have it all. I don’t take these things for granted. I am lucky that I have been able to surround myself with positive and like-minded individuals who have always cared for me and loved me, as is.

That’s a really big deal.

Having positive people around me makes it easier to be a positive person.

Having accepting people in my life that let me be me, without judgment (because honestly- what right is it of ours to judge others), have made it easier for me to be accepting and non-judgmental.

But of course there will always be people in my life, acquaintances, co-workers, strangers at the gym, etc., that I have no control over. I can keep my circle of friends and family tight, surround myself with only those who represent the type of person I aim to be ,but I have no control as to what happens on the periphery of that circle.

This week I have been hit hard. By someone I thought was in my circle, someone I considered a friend.

I have just been overwhelmed with negative feelings and emotions all week long.

Maybe I brought this on myself. My actions have consequences, I know that.

And I need to stop here and say that this has nothing to do with Paul, he and I are good. We are actually hanging out tonight. I am getting to spend the night with the pups. He and I are adults and are handling this whole divorce in a mature and civil fashion.

Others in my life, not so much.

But here is the thing…before I go off into a diatribe about this whole shitty situation, which I shouldn’t because that whole mess isn’t worth the space of a few lines on my blog…

The thing is…it is important to know when to cut your losses and walk away.

That’s what I had to do this week. It sucked. It’s been a really long time since I had to make the tough decision to end a friendship. And to clarify, this friendship was over- I had to make the decision to stop fighting to revive it. To stop fighting to try and fix something that probably shouldn’t be fixed.

Because ultimately, I need good people in my life. Loving, kind, caring people who recognize I am a human being too. I have flaws. I make mistakes. I hurt and feel pain. And I love so deeply. I wear my heart on my sleeve and am easily crushed because of it. That’s me.

And someone that doesn’t get that…well they probably shouldn’t be in my life.

I know that.

And I know that I have so many wonderful people in my life that I don’t need to fight for one that doesn’t want to be a part of it.

But it still hurts.

Every day.

But…it gets easier.

So today, today I chose to focus on my circle. The amazing people I get to call friends. The loves of my life, my soul mates, my beacons of hope…

And today I chose to ignore what lies out in the periphery.

Because those people are not what matter to me.

You are. And today, just like every day, I am thankful for you.

Love and kisses,

Dacia

Yesterday...

This may be the most difficult post I will ever write.

And if you read this post last week you may have wondered what exactly I was alluding to.

Because there is no easy way to say it I will just start from this point- yesterday, Paul and I filed for divorce.

I may not write much about this going forward. It is deeply personal and involves two people, not just me.

I have discussed writing about this on the blog with him so he knows. You will not get details, just generalities as this is a private matter.

He and I have come to terms with this the best way we know how. We both accept responsibility for the state of our marriage, we both know that neither one of us is 100% at fault. We both are trying to not blame, point fingers or try to knock the other one down.

And although the disconnect between he and I has been broadening for some time now it doesn’t change the reality that walking away from someone after ten years is no easy feat.

We have an incredible amount of good memories. He has loved me, cared for me, supported me in ways no one ever has. He was my constant companion and my best friend, which is why I think the marriage lasted longer than maybe it should have.

I wish every day it was enough. That what we had was enough. I tried to make it so. I wanted to be there for him. To support him. To encourage him. To celebrate every victory. To cry together with every heartbreak but I just couldn’t anymore.

Because I realized being with him was selfish. At this point at least.

Because he needed more than what I could give him. He needed and deserved love.

So, we have decided to divorce now. Amicably. Instead of pushing through this for a few more years, one of us (or both) resenting each other and then having a nasty, hateful divorce.

It is not easy. There are a lot of tears. There is still a bond between us that may never break. And honestly, I hope it doesn’t. I hope that in ten years from now I look back on our life together with warm memories, thankful for having someone like him in my life.

I told him (somewhat jokingly) we may have failed in our marriage but let’s try to not fail at this divorce.

We try (and at times it is extremely difficult) to be civil, calm, respectful and understanding towards each other.  We know there will be, and has been, weeks , days, moments of sadness, hurt, anger, grief and that when we feel those emotions we take a beat.  A break. To not talk to each other with those heated emotions, to not say things we may regret.

And that happens. Yesterday I was an ass. I yelled a lot. In a parking lot of a Publix. Like a spoiled brat.

But Paul, being the understanding person he is, let me talk it out throughout the day and we took all those feelings and thoughts and turned them into much needed discussion points.

And when our therapist canceled our appointment for last night we decided we still wanted to talk face to face. So we went out to dinner together. To talk, to laugh, to share. To try and create some good memories.

Because I want him to look back on October 28^th and have something good to hold on to. October 28^th will always be the day that we filed for divorce but it will also be the day we ate together at Macaroni Grill, talked about the Red Sox winning game 5 (woot woot!), and shared a lot of laughs and of course a few tears.

So, please know that this decision to divorce is not one we entered into lightly. And just as details of two people’s marriage, and how they carry them out, are their decisions alone; so it is with a divorce. We are the only two people who know what we need, what we want from this and how to handle the decisions that get us there.  We are both beyond fortunate to have an amazing support system, as well as each other, to help us through this.

And we both thank you for all of your support, understanding and kindness moving forward.

Thank you!

XOXOXOXO

Dacia (and Paul)  

 

Taken October 28th, 2013...

One Month

One month from today Paul will be leaving Texas and heading off to Rhode Island for Officer Candidate School (OCS) with the Navy. If you know me, then you know my husband is currently an enlisted soldier in the Army. He has been in the Army for about 3.5 years. His intentions when he joined the Army were that in a few years after joining he would apply for OCS (with the Army) and become an Officer. Then as his career progressed and he starting researching his options (he wanted to become a pilot) he thought maybe Warrant Officer was the route to go.

It turned out that neither OCS or Warrant Officer in the Army were going to work out for him (I won’t bog you down with the details) but he was determined to become an Officer so he reached out to an Officer recruiter within the Army. While investigating other avenues for him to take the recruiter suggested he look into the Navy. Lo and behold, the Navy needed Officers and a new path was opened for him. That was ten months ago.

The process wasn’t easy, there were moments of frustration for both of us, there were countless forms and letters and documents required but thankfully it all worked out. Paul was able to submit his OCS packet with the Navy. He applied for two different flight positions; Aviator and Flight Officer, and because he is an amazing person the Navy recommended him for both. Paul was given his choice and decided to go the Aviator route. For the non-military people here is how I see it; the Aviator is the pilot and the Flight Officer is the co-pilot. That may not be 100% accurate but hopefully it helps explain the difference.

After we found out Paul was selected for Aviator, this was April I think, there was more follow up paperwork involved. Actually this whole process seemed to me like run-around-like-mad-getting-paperwork-signed-by-every-member-of-the-US-Army-and-then-wait-a-few-months. Ah, I kid. Well, sort of.

Any who. We knew the Navy was taking him, the Army was letting him go, and now we just needed to know when. By June (maybe July) we found out he would be leaving in October but didn’t have a date yet. We also knew that after OCS he would be heading off to Pensacola to start the first few segments of his flight training. After Pensacola he will train somewhere else. More than likely (from what I have learned in this crazy process) he will be in Enid OK, Milton FL, or Corpus Christi TX. Or a few of those places. Maybe even all. Who knows? We certainly don’t because where he goes is yet to be decided. He needs to complete some of the training in Pensacola first before we know where he will go next.

So, what does this all mean? Well. It means that while Paul is in OCS and Pensacola and maybe even the remaining duration of his flight training (we are looking at 2+ years including OCS) I will remain in San Antonio. Because I need to work I don’t have the luxury of going with him when he bounces from one place to another. At least not if I need to have a good job with good pay, which I do. Trust me, if I could swing working a part time job at Barnes & Noble and still pay all my bills (even if it was paycheck to paycheck) I would do it. Unfortunately, I can’t. So I will stay here until we know Paul will be somewhere long enough for me to find a good job and stay there awhile.

It sucks.

It was a really tough day when we made this decision.

It was, sadly, the only option that would work for us.

So, in one month Paul leaves. And I stay. And it could be 2 years or so before we are living together again.

This will probably be our longest separation to date. So far we have only lived apart for 6 months and 7 months.

And even though I know what to expect, and I know I will survive, it still sucks.

I love my husband and I want to be there to support him and help him any way I can.

I also want to be with him to give him hugs and kisses and all the affection he deserves.

And because he is my best friend and I’m just not me without him.

And I lose the person who makes me laugh until I cry. The person who knows all of my weird behaviors and doesn’t judge me because of them. The person I can truly be myself around.

Life just isn’t as exciting. It isn’t as fun.

It sucks.

But I’m a big girl. So I will put on my big girl pants and carry on.

Life won’t be the same but it will still go on. I will make the best of it.

I will take advantage of the freedoms this ‘single’ life will bring me. Like not feeling guilty spending hours on the weekend running in order to train for a marathon.

Or watching Felicity.

Or eating cereal for dinner.

Even though I will make the best of this situation I know I will need my friends to help me get through this. I will have days where I just don’t want to get out of bed. Days where I cry non-stop. Days where I feel so freaking alone. And I tell you this not because I want your pity. But as a warning. I will need you now more than ever. So be prepared.

And if I fall off the face of the earth make sure to send me some words of encouragement.

And if I reach my quota of sappy, sad, woe-is-me blog posts let me know. Tell me to put on my big girls pants and go for a run.

Or tell me to put on my bike shorts and go for a ride.

Either option works

“In true love the smallest distance is too great, and the greatest distance can be bridged.” ~ Hans Nouwens