Why Now?

Is it weird to come back to blogging in a time where blogs are kind of a thing of the past? Are blogs a thing of the past? I hear it is all about microblogging now. I really don’t know what that means- small blogs is my best guess. LOL!

Honestly, it’s ok if no one reads this.

My main goals is just to write.

I never really expected anyone to read my blog posts for the five years prior so now isn’t really any different.

I just need to write again.

Why?

Because a) it’s kind of unfair to Erick to have me dump every thought and emotion on him solely all the time. Poor guy, I am sure he misses me writing too. So reason A is really that I need another outlet.

But the main reason, I guess reason B, is that even though I have an outlet (and I am sure I have more outlets than just the hubs but sometimes I suck at communicating the hard stuff) there is still so much I have been burying inside. And when I do that it’s only me stuck with those thoughts. Those thoughts, which could be perfectly harmless had I just said them to someone else and had a normal conversation about them (or wrote about them in my blog), then turn to damaging thoughts.

Because those hidden thoughts and emotions had time to fester they’ve turned from something maybe a little negative to something off the charts negative. I have spent far too much time over this past year telling myself I was a failure. That I was disgusting. That I was not good enough. And you know what happened? I started to believe that.

I lost hope in myself.

I conceded.

I believed that was that and I was just destined to go back to that person I was six years ago. That girl that sat on the sidelines and passively watched her life pass her by.

I lost my identity.

And I gave up.

For months and months I just gave up. I was broken. I would never heal. I would never be that girl that ran back to back half marathons or finished a triathlon or would ride 50 miles on her bike just for fun. That girl was gone and she wasn’t coming back. And I had no fucking clue how to process that.

I don’t know what happened to bring me there or when I hit my breaking point but rock bottom came and that familiar feeling- that one I felt 6 years ago when I started this ‘journey’- hit me like a ton of bricks.

I didn’t give up six years ago. And I won’t give up now.

Life is so much more than race medals. I cannot run and I will probably never run again. But I am so much more than that.

And I can do so much more than that.

I just have to get there.

Baby steps.

Just like 6 years ago.

Baby steps.

I need this now the same way I needed it then. I need an outlet. I need a space to share everything. And  I need to be able to tell myself that I will be ok. I will get stronger and healthier, I will change my life again. And if I keep telling myself enough times I know I will start to believe it.

Baby steps.

xoxox,

Dacia

Surgery Update: Weeks Three & Four...

Warning: this post contains graphic photos. If you don’t want to see surgery pics (before and after) then maybe you should skip this post. Thanks!

Well, I am four weeks post op…can you believe it? I certainly cannot! Where did the time go?

Happy Birthday to me! Banyan Brown to celebrate 36!

I meant to write up a post last week at the three week mark but I just never got around to it. I blame all the raucous birthday celebrations for distracting me. Since I missed last week I will try to catch everyone up to speed as to what has been happening in the recovery process.

Week three went well. I did not have a doctor’s appointment last week but when I saw him at my week 2 checkup (on 12/30) he told me that on January 8^th I could begin to transition from wearing the binder all day/night over to wearing a less rigid compression garment (i.e. spanx) instead. He said that at first I would probably want to wear the binder over the spanx because I may feel like I need additional support.

So, on Wednesday I wore the spanx to work and brought my binder with me just in case I needed it. It was really awkward at first. A bit uncomfortable. And I found myself walking hunched over again. On Wednesday all the ladies at work were commenting on how not good I looked so I had to explain about the transition. I made it through the entire workday wearing only the spanx but once I was home I took them off and put on the binder and that felt much better.

However, on Thursday (and every day subsequently) I wore the spanx only and felt great. On Thursday, the ladies at work all commented on how great I looked and how much better/easier I was moving around. It is crazy how quickly the body adapts to new situations. Since last Wednesday I have been following the routine of spanx at work, binder at night to sleep in and it is working out great for me. Oh, and in case I haven’t mentioned it before- the idea of wearing compression gear for months after the surgery is to help hold everything in place as the body heals so that way it heals up nice and tight not saggy and droopy because it is fighting against gravity. Doc says it will be a few months in the compression garments and I am 100% ok with that because I know it will help in the long run- even if it is weird wearing them all the time. Eh, small price to pay right?

Oh, and since I headed out to New Orleans last weekend (which is about a 3 hour car ride) I did wear the binder for the trip for some extra support. I am flying out to Nashville this Saturday and I plan on doing the same except I don’t plan on wearing it until after I get through security- kind of worried they would think I had some kind of explosives strapped to my stomach and search me.

Overall week three was great. I am feeling more like a ‘regular’ human being especially since I was able to go out and celebrate my birthday, travel, and do all of the fun things I would have done if I hadn’t had the surgery so that is a very good thing!

Week Three Pics

 

Left side is the night before surgery, right side is week 3!

Left side is one week post op, right side is three weeks pot op!

Today is the four week mark and I am pretty pumped at all the progress I have made so far. On Monday, I had a follow up appointment with the surgeon and he basically cleared me to start all activity, at my discretion. He said to ease into it and be smart about it. Like with cycling to try the stationary bike first to see how it feels, then move to riding outside but ride in a really safe/isolated area, then take it out to the streets. With running he said to slow jog and build as I feel comfortable. This of course is what I would have done anyway. I am a wimp; I will stop the first sign of pain. I am absolutely not, nor have I ever been, the ‘push through the pain’ kind of person. So, slow and easy sounded perfect to me.

Last night, for my first foray back into activity, I hit the track and it was great. I would have been 100% happy if the only thing I was able to do was walk but amazingly enough I could jog. I mean it was a slow jog. People could have easily walked past me but it was a jog nonetheless and I’ll take it. My friend E and I started off walking. After about 2 laps I was ready to see if I could jog. We did one full lap jogging then walked another one. I was hoping to just alternate laps between walking and jogging if my stamina and body could handle it. We started off on jogging lap two and it felt really good so we just kept going. We jogged another 3 or 4 laps (we kind of lost track) and only stopped because I was worried it would be too much to do more. We walked 2 more laps and called it a night. It was great. It felt amazing to move again. I was beyond floored that I was able to do so much. Afterwards I stretched and even that felt great. I thought my range would have diminished from the lack of regular activity but there I was, hands on the ground in a forward fold. That was pretty awesome. Also, was pretty stoked that I hit over 18K on the fitbit yesterday. I felt like a champion when I saw that!

Tonight I am heading to the gym. Going to test out the stationary bike and maybe some light weights and maybe a teeny tiny bit of core work. We’ll see. I’m just going to test the waters and see what feels good. I also am going to begin seeing a personal trainer soon. Lita, the trainer who ran the boot camp class I took last semester, said she would love to help me get back on track after the surgery so I will be using her to help me get there. I don’t have any expectations of what I can/cannot do; the only thing I expect is that if I listen to my body and continue to take care of myself I will be just fine.

Moving forward, over the next month until my next visit with the surgeon, I just plan on doing what I’ve been doing; resting, eating good whole foods, drinking lots of water and slowly reintroducing activity back into my life. Looking back over the past month I am surprised at how easy it was and how much I am able to do after such a short amount of time. But I should probably clarify that last statement a bit here…

No, the recovery wasn’t easy per se. But it was a hell of a lot easier than I imagined it to be. Don’t get me wrong, there were times when it sucked, it hurt, I cursed, cried, whined, and cried some more. But those times, they only accounted for like 10-20% of the time. The pain hit quickly but also subsided quickly. Putting the binder on was really difficult at first but that was like 5 minutes of my day. I was walking around from day one and once I figured out how to get up/down from the couch/bed/chairs I was able to do so on my own if necessary. For the most part I slept through the night and usually if I woke up it was because I had to pee, not because I was in pain. Less than a week post op I had both drain lines removed and was able to shower and was even able to ride in a car for an hour to spend the holidays with my Florida ‘family’. I was out drinking on NYE and spent my birthday in New Orleans. I can shower and get dressed on my own and have been doing so the whole time (with the exception of the binder when I needed to have it super tight- that was a two man ordeal); I can drive and have been cleared to do so since 12/30. I was back at work full time since 2 weeks after the operation and now am fully adjusted back into my routine and adjusted to being upright all day. I am back in my apartment; cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry. Life is pretty much exactly the way it was pre-surgery except that I wear spanx now. Which is crazy….it’s only been FOUR WEEKS!!!! I absolutely did not expect to have made so much progress so quickly and so when I say it was easy- this is what I mean.

Week Four Pics

Left side is one week post op, right side is four weeks post op!

I always try to be open and honest on this blog and share with you as many details as possible about my life and the goings on of it but if you have any questions regarding the procedure or the weight loss or anything really please let me know.

Love, hugs and happiness,

Dacia

Post Op Recovery- Two Weeks Out

It has now been two weeks since my surgery and life is slowly getting back to normal.

I returned to work today- yay! It feels good to be at my desk, sitting upright. It’s tiring and walking up multiple flights of steps (first time having to walk up steps since surgery) was not easy but I know I need to be here (even for a half day) to help me transition back to the work mindset and help my body adapt to a position other than 45 degrees, propped up by pillows, on the couch.

Thankfully I was told at my last visit with the surgeon that I can start transitioning to sleeping in a more flat position. I did not go from upright to flat yet but I am slowly working my way there. I was also told that in a week I can start sleeping on my side. Yay! I am so not a back sleeper so that was definitely a big adjustment for me. I am not sure what will be a bigger milestone for me; side sleeping or not wearing the binder anymore.

So, yes, in case you were wondering, I am still wearing the binder around my midsection. The surgeon gave me the green light to start weaning myself from the binder to spanx starting next Wednesday, January 8^th. Now that will be a great birthday present (my birthday is the 9^th) because wearing this rigid, tight, medieval torture device is getting old. It will be nice (even though I am sure it will be really uncomfortable for a while) to not have this thing digging into my sides and restricting my breathing.  Not to complain too much, but this thing sucks.

Aside from the awkward sleeping/sitting positions and the binder everything else in the recovery process has gone pretty well, definitely better (most days) than expected. Once I was home from the hospital I switched from the pain meds to Tylenol during the day and took only a half a pill of the prescribed meds at night to help me sleep. Like I said, it was a big adjustment for me to sleep upright and on my back. That was only for a few days and then I transitioned to Tylenol at night too. Based off of recommendations, I took pain medicine on Christmas Eve because I was told having the drain lines removed would hurt but I haven’t taken any since and am now going whole days without anything at all for pain, not even Tylenol. That makes me happy. My big goal was to not over medicate myself after the surgery. I was afraid that I would be too numb to feel where my thresholds were; I wanted to know if I was moving too much, too quickly, or moving the wrong ways. I did not want to do anything to impede my recovery or worse, back track. And so far, it seems to be going pretty smoothly.

Don’t get me wrong. It hasn't all been easy. There were times when sneezing/coughing/laughing brought me so much pain I just had no choice but to cry. The second or third shower I took found me so dizzy that I had to get out before I could finish. Removing, repositioning and reapplying the binder sucks. It’s much better now. Now those activities do not make me cry but there were definitely days where just going through the fastening (which is taking a strap from one side and wrapping it super freaking tightly around my entire body) of the three Velcro straps of the binder left me in tears.  I can take the binder off myself but I am not yet to the point where I can put it back on. I am not sure how I would. It takes one person, using both hands, to pull the strap from one side to the other while I use my hands to hold down the protective layer that goes under the strap. Seems like a two man job if you ask me.  For the most part I can get up/down off the bed or couch on my own but sometimes (especially if I am laying completely flat to put the binder on) I need assistance getting up.So no, not always easy but it is definitely better than I expected. 

Oh, and since I am off pain meds and the stitches are out I am also allowed to start driving again. I have not tried this yet but I am hoping to drive myself to my haircut appointment on Saturday. Side note: that was the activity (get my hair cut) I pulled yesterday from the jar of my 52 activities for 2014 from this post.

I am still restricted to how much I can lift- my surgeon said quart of milk is ok, gallon is not- and am not close to being cleared for activity yet, which is no surprise since I am only 2 weeks out.  But he did say it won’t be too long before I can start back up and should be running again in no time. He also said everything looks great, healing is going as it should, and that he is very happy with the results. So that is definitely great news. My next appointment is January 13^th and by then I should be able to drive myself around, sleep on my side in a relatively flat position and no longer feel the need to wear the binder. I am pretty excited for that appointment to see how I am progressing and see what restrictions he’ll lift then.

I know this is already a really long post, and probably far more information than you wanted to know about the recovery, but I just have to add one last thing- a big thank you to all of my friends and family who have been by my side (literally and figuratively) through this whole ordeal. I consider myself to be the luckiest person alive having so many people in my life that truly care about me/my wellbeing. I cried countless times over the past 2 weeks just thinking about how fortunate (and grateful) I am for all the wonderful people in my life. It’s a bit overwhelming (in the best possible way) at times.

I also need to thank my friend EL who has been by my side since the day of the surgery. He took time off from work to be with me every day of this recovery and has never once complained, even while I was screaming obscenities at him while he put on the binder. He made this whole recovery thing a million times easier by being super kind, compassionate, understanding, attentive and accommodating.  He also made sure I had an amazing Christmas and New Year's and was never alone for a minute of it. I am beyond grateful to have had such an amazing person by my side through all of this. Thank you, E!

And thank you, for being here too! I love you all so much!

Love and hugs,

Dacia 

This is what it looks like after every time I put the binder on post shower... we go through ALOT of gauze. I mean TONS. I should have bought this in bulk beforehand. Lol! 

Before and 'After' Surgery Pics

I think it goes without saying that the pics I am posting are a bit graphic in nature. These are some pre and post surgery pictures and some may be a bit gruesome, especially since I still have stitches and bruising. So, please, if you are the least bit squeamish I will advise you to skip today's post and come back in a week or two when I post better pictures :)

But first, here is a happy photo to start things off…

Christmas Eve… I actually was up and dressed in 'normal' clothes! 

Pre-surgery; Monday December 16th

Pre-surgery; December 17th- after the markings 

The top section has arrows pointing down, this is the skin that will be stretched down and stitched to the bottom incision line (pictured below) from hip to hip 

The thick black line represents the portion that will be removed completely. I think he called it my 'skin paddle'  

 Thick black line along the bottom is the incision line; where my external stitches are now

This is the after of losing 130 pounds…lots and lots of excess skin

Christmas Eve; six days post op

 The thing around my mid-section is my binder. I have to wear it for a couple more weeks. It sucks. It's super tight, rigid, and makes it hard for me to breath and move around. Fun, fun...

Don't ask me why I'm covering my breasts while I am wearing a bra…who knows... 

You can see the white tape over the stitches and faintly see the stitches around my belly button. This is MY belly button, not a new one. I am super happy I got to keep it :) 

I will be swollen for another 3 weeks or so but the doc says I won't really look 'normal' for another 6 months to a year…it takes a long time for this all to heal internally and externally. You can also tell that I cannot stand up straight yet. One day, hopefully soon. 

I know I am super swollen because my waist is 4 inches bigger than it was pre-surgery. I am 100% ok with that, it's to be expected. I am not even stepping on a scale for another month or so. Why bother?  

Even though I look and feel like a sausage ready to burst I cannot believe the difference!  

Side by side… doc says he removed about 3-5 pounds of skin which is a lot of skin. Skin isn't dense like fat or muscle. It takes a whole lot of skin to make up 3 pounds! I think that picture says it all!

So far the recovery has gone pretty well. I have had some rough patches but that, of course, is to be expected. There are times when I feel like it has been easier than I thought it would be and times it felt like pure hell. I know in the end, it will be worth it. Next Monday, the stitches come out and I will be sure to post more pictures. Thank you all so much for your love and support. It's been a bit overwhelming at times. Not really sure what I did to deserve such an amazing life filled with the most amazing people but I am so happy to have you all be a part of it. Hopefully I didn't gross you out too much. 

Happy Holidays my lovely friends!

Love and hugs,

Dacia 

Another Update

I know I said I probably wouldn’t write again before the half but I just had to share some good news with you. My appointment with the chiropractor went swimmingly well and I could not be happier. He told me that my injury (sprained sacroiliac joint, which is the joint between the pelvis and sacrum) was already healed. Yay! Something he estimated 2-3 weeks to heal took only 9 days. That makes me so incredibly happy. I had been feeling really good the day of and was hoping he would have some positive feedback for me- I think that’s about as good as it gets.

While I was there he did make some other adjustments helping to put me back into correct alignment. He made adjustments to my first rib (left side) and second rib (right side)- which was a weird feeling, both my tibias, my left knee cap, my left ankle, pretty much every bone in my left foot, and some back, hip and neck adjustments. Nothing major, just tweaks. He didn’t see any underlying acute injuries or any muscle issues that could affect my run on Sunday. Actually he told me that I was going to kill it Sunday. I definitely appreciated his vote of confidence.

While I was there he asked if I wanted some acupuncture to help with my cold. I, of course, said yes. I had never had acupuncture before but have always been open to the idea. My chiro, Dr. Root, considers himself a minimalist acupuncturist- his goal is to be as effective as possible with the fewest needles possible. So for my cold problem he only needed 6 needles to treat me. I didn’t mind them one bit. It was actually quite relaxing. I almost fell asleep in his office. It was nice.

I left the appointment feeling uber confident in my physical health and recovery from this stupid cold and knowing that I will, in fact, kill it on Sunday J

This morning I woke up feeling pretty great leg/hip wise and with just some slight congestion lingering from the cold. I used the Neti pot, which helped tremendously, before I headed to the gym for my last run before the half. I only wanted to run a couple of miles, just enough to test out my leg, and I am happy to report it went really, really well. 2 miles in 23 minutes. 2 comfortable, pain free, super happy miles. At one point when ‘Gonna Fly Now’ (from the Rocky soundtrack, trust me- you know this song) came on I started to run faster and envisioned myself running across the finish line. I even worked on trying to smile while sprinting- I have to get ready for the cameras.

Yesterday was a great day and I am super excited to have received great news from Dr. Root. The run this morning was just what I needed to give me a little more reassurance in my health and training. I know I am ready but I definitely needed to quiet those little voices in the back of my mind trying to psyche me out. I can’t wait to see Tricia today for Thai Yoga therapy, which really is like the best thing ever, and then take a nice warm Epsom salt bath after. Such a great way to ease into what I hope to be a super relaxing few days leading up to the moment I have been waiting for.

“It has never been, and never will be easy work! But the road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination.” ~ Marion Zimmer Bradley

Updates and Plans

If you follow me on Twitter or the book of faces then you know I am currently battling a cold. Of course, right? That’s how it goes. I’m doing everything in my power to get my leg/hip healthy for the half and just as I am starting to almost feel 100% I get sick. Just my luck.

Thankfully, it’s not much of a cold. I have some congestion and a bit of sneezing/coughing here and there but nothing major. No fever. No sore throat. (KNOCK ON WOOD) Nothing that is making nervous about Sunday’s run. I take pretty good care of myself and I think that has helped me build up a strong immune system but of course that doesn’t mean I was just going to sit back and do nothing about this cold.

I started taking Echinacea and vitamin C, using the Neti pot, doing Sun Salutations on top of my normal vitamins/herbal regimen. Oh, and also started drinking a juice concoction of carrots, beets, garlic and ginger.  Then I reached out to friends for suggestions of additional natural remedies and I received some great responses. Jaime suggested I use Elderberry instead of Echinacea, Angel suggested Zinc, and Tricia suggested some Miso –ginger soup. So I hit up Whole Foods and grabbed all of the above. I got home yesterday and took all of my vitamins and supplements and then made some miso broth with ginger, garlic, turmeric, and cayenne. That was my dinner. I didn’t have much of an appetite and was feeling exhausted so after dinner I did some quick cleanup in the kitchen and headed to bed. At 7p.

By 8p I was asleep.

I slept pretty well except for waking up a couple of times to use the bathroom. I consumed so much liquid yesterday I am surprised my bladder didn’t explode.  

I woke up a bit congested but overall feeling ok. I used the Neti pot, did a yoga DVD and some Sun Salutations, as well as some crunches on the stability ball. I saw on the news that Barack Obama was President. I am thankful it wasn’t as close as predicted and that the election came to a close last night. I was a bit nervous that we might have another 2000 fiasco on our hands.

Today I go back to the chiropractor and am hopeful he will be pleased with the progress I’ve made so far. He told me it would take about 2-3 weeks to heal but that I should still be able to run and that the running wouldn’t affect my recovery. I am positive that both of those statements are true and that not only will my body feel great come Sunday but also that I will have no issues afterwards and I’ll heal up nicely.

Tomorrow is my last run before the half and I am planning on doing a couple miles on the treadmill. Although I typically shy away from the treadmill I thought it might be the best way to get in an easy run with no worries of tripping or unnecessary stress on my body from hills and uneven pavement. Tomorrow evening is my last Thai Yoga therapy session before the half and I know that between Dr. Root (my chiropractor) and Tricia my body will be aligned, adjusted, energized and fully ready to go on Sunday.

Friday morning will be the same as today; yoga and some core exercises. Friday night you will find me at home, relaxing. I plan on making a nice pasta dinner and catching up on some TV.

Saturday morning I plan on doing some yoga and meditation before meeting my friend Debra, who is also running the half, for a walk to help release some of that nervous energy we both will be feeling. After we are going to drive the half marathon route to get a preview of what lies ahead for us the next day. Then at 10am I am meeting Cassy and Mando, who ran the full marathon with Paul last year and are running the half this year,  to hit up the expo. I am excited to spend a couple hours exploring the expo and checking out all of the vendors. Last year’s expo was awesome so I have high hopes for this year’s. I certainly don’t need any more running stuff but I am pretty sure I will still end up buying some while there.

After the expo I am not 100% sure what I will end up doing. I will need to do some grocery shopping and I plan on being in bed early. I want to go and see Skyfall so if I can squeeze in an afternoon showing that’s what I’ll do.

The half marathon is just 4 days away. I can’t believe it. I don’t think I have been this excited about anything since my wedding day. Almost 17 weeks of training has led me to this point and I feel ready. I am happy and grateful and nervous and excited and thrilled and even a little bit sad. I, of course, wish Paul was here to celebrate with me at the finish. But, like my friend Patty reminded me this morning, this is just my first- not my only. There will be plenty more in the future and hopefully someday Paul and I will be able to run them together.

I am not sure if I will write again before the half but I want you to know I will be thinking of you throughout the run. I have the best cheering squad ever. I am one lucky girl. And I need you to know how much your support means to me. Thank you. For your kind and reassuring words. For being my rocks and my guideposts along this adventure. There aren’t words to adequately express my gratitude. You are the reason I am who I am. For that I am forever grateful.  I love you all so very much!

“Tisn't life that matters! 'Tis the courage you bring to it.”~ Sir Hugh Walpole