Why Now?

Is it weird to come back to blogging in a time where blogs are kind of a thing of the past? Are blogs a thing of the past? I hear it is all about microblogging now. I really don’t know what that means- small blogs is my best guess. LOL!

Honestly, it’s ok if no one reads this.

My main goals is just to write.

I never really expected anyone to read my blog posts for the five years prior so now isn’t really any different.

I just need to write again.

Why?

Because a) it’s kind of unfair to Erick to have me dump every thought and emotion on him solely all the time. Poor guy, I am sure he misses me writing too. So reason A is really that I need another outlet.

But the main reason, I guess reason B, is that even though I have an outlet (and I am sure I have more outlets than just the hubs but sometimes I suck at communicating the hard stuff) there is still so much I have been burying inside. And when I do that it’s only me stuck with those thoughts. Those thoughts, which could be perfectly harmless had I just said them to someone else and had a normal conversation about them (or wrote about them in my blog), then turn to damaging thoughts.

Because those hidden thoughts and emotions had time to fester they’ve turned from something maybe a little negative to something off the charts negative. I have spent far too much time over this past year telling myself I was a failure. That I was disgusting. That I was not good enough. And you know what happened? I started to believe that.

I lost hope in myself.

I conceded.

I believed that was that and I was just destined to go back to that person I was six years ago. That girl that sat on the sidelines and passively watched her life pass her by.

I lost my identity.

And I gave up.

For months and months I just gave up. I was broken. I would never heal. I would never be that girl that ran back to back half marathons or finished a triathlon or would ride 50 miles on her bike just for fun. That girl was gone and she wasn’t coming back. And I had no fucking clue how to process that.

I don’t know what happened to bring me there or when I hit my breaking point but rock bottom came and that familiar feeling- that one I felt 6 years ago when I started this ‘journey’- hit me like a ton of bricks.

I didn’t give up six years ago. And I won’t give up now.

Life is so much more than race medals. I cannot run and I will probably never run again. But I am so much more than that.

And I can do so much more than that.

I just have to get there.

Baby steps.

Just like 6 years ago.

Baby steps.

I need this now the same way I needed it then. I need an outlet. I need a space to share everything. And  I need to be able to tell myself that I will be ok. I will get stronger and healthier, I will change my life again. And if I keep telling myself enough times I know I will start to believe it.

Baby steps.

xoxox,

Dacia

Physical vs. Mental

I have been having a rough time with this injury. Some days I feel great and others…well not so much. I was at Thai Yoga therapy yesterday and was talking to Tricia about it. I told her how I had a great run on Sunday but then I had a hard time with intervals Tuesday morning. I said I wasn’t sure if the issue I was facing was physical or mental. You see, I was having a really hard time pushing myself to run faster during my intervals and I didn’t know if it was because the injury was limiting my ability or if I was holding back because mentally I am afraid of making the injury worse. Does that make sense?

I am guessing it is a bit of both. I still have some lingering pain and range of motion issues and those are physical. But I am also 100% certain that there is a part of me afraid to really push it right now. Call me overly cautious but I just don’t feel healthy and the last thing I want to do is make matters worse.

I’ve also noticed that I can’t fight the lingering anguish from the half last month. That day diminished any self confidence I had at all in my abilities and I have yet to do anything since that helped build it back up. I am hoping that Sunday’s long run will give me a confidence boost because without it I am feeling quite hopeless.

I have never really had an injury like this before, never been in a situation where I am torn between training and races and feeling weak and trying to build strength and losing my patience and not wanting to force myself back into it too quickly. It’s quite the mess in my headspace right now.

But I do think I am doing what is best for my body and I do know that one day I will gain my confidence back. I just don’t know when that will be. So, until then I will just keep on truckin’.

Have you been sidelined from an injury before? How did you handle the mental side of it? How did you get your confidence back?

Half Marathon Blues

Hi everyone! It’s been over two weeks since the half marathon and I think I am finally ready to talk about it. About everything that is going on in my head. And where I am going from here.

First, I really need to reiterate (in case you didn’t watch my post-half vlog) that I am very happy to have completed my first half marathon. I am super proud of myself for spending 4+ months training and preparing for something I never thought possible and then going out and doing it. I had never really experienced anything of that magnitude (re: intense training culminating with a gigantic, 27K+, event) so from start to finish the whole experience was quiet surreal. It is something I will never forget.

That being said- I’m pissed and disappointed and defeated and sad. I worked really, really hard. I put in the time and the effort. I was committed to this 100%. And to suffer through an injury just a few weeks before the half, followed by getting sick the week of, well that just was not what I had planned.

I had worked so hard; chiropractor, massage therapy, yoga, acupuncture, vitamins, juicing, ice baths, rest, etc to get myself healthy for the half and I really thought I was. Until I was in it and realized I wasn’t.

Until I had to watch everything I had worked towards crumble around me.

Until I had to accept that I wasn’t going to run for 13.1 miles. That my ‘running’ would feel like I was in molasses and that me walking was actually a faster pace than my body would let me ‘run’. It was a complete mind-fuck- excuse my French.

Every runner has bad days, that’s just life. But no one expects it to happen on the big day, the only day that counts.

I completed a half marathon- that is something I am proud of.

I did it in 03:07 and that is something I am not.

I didn’t have a number in my head I was trying to achieve or beat. This would be the benchmarking race. I just wanted to run and enjoy myself which I tried like hell to do.

I didn’t have a number in my head BUT I most certainly did not think it would take me over 3 hours to complete a half marathon. My 12 mile time was 02:20 so no, I didn’t ever think it would take 47 minutes longer to complete an additional 1.1 miles.

My mile pace for the half was a 14:17 min/mile. I have never, ever run at a 14:17 pace. Even my slowest long runs when I was first starting out were sub-13 min/mile pace. Before I started running I was walking 5Ks at a 12:50 pace. So, yeah- 14:17 wasn’t even a number that crossed my mind.

And as I type this out I feel foolish even talking about these feelings but I just want you to know where I am right now and how that day changed things for me.

After the half I got much, much sicker than I had been. I was a mess. I wasn’t really sore from the half. Just sick. And very tired. So I spent a few days sleeping, trying to get healthy.

Then when I finally felt better the only thing I felt was pissed. I was so mad at my performance and my injury and I just wanted redemption.  I wanted another chance to prove to myself that I could run the half I trained for, the half I expected to run.

I even thought about signing up for another half right away.

But I wasn’t even sure if I could actually run. So first I needed to test out the leg. And that is what I set out to do 6 days after the half. Run. Just to see how I felt.

And it was disastrous. I got about 2.5 miles from home and I was in a world of hurt. I was experiencing the same issue I was on the day of the half, just worse. I couldn’t run. I could not force my left leg to move. It felt sluggish, restricted. And on that day- painful.

And so there I was 2.5 miles from home. Pissed. Angry. Defeated. And 2.5 miles from home. I had to walk back alone with my thoughts which, trust me, weren’t pretty.

I wasn’t pissed that this injury was probably worse than I had thought. I wasn’t pissed that it meant rest and that it could possibly mean having to cancel/change future plans. I was pissed that I had all these emotions inside that I didn’t have an outlet for. I couldn’t run to redeem myself. But worse than that was that I couldn’t run period. Running has become so cathartic for me that not having it in my life has left me an emotional mess.

This took some time to work through.

But now I am back. And I have a plan. And a new focus. And I am ready to pick up the pieces and move on from the half.

I am 7 weeks out from the 3M Half Marathon which I am not sure I will be ready for in time. But I am easing back into running. I have set up a new training schedule focusing just on getting ready for this half. The next few weeks I will be easing back into training. Slow, easy runs only. No intervals or tempo runs- just running at a comfortable pace. I am hoping that I am ready to ease back in. I ran 4 miles last Thursday at the Turkey Trot and felt really good. No pain. I kept it slow and it worked out well. Tomorrow I start off my training schedule with a 3 mile run. We’ll see how it goes.

Another thing I really want to focus on over the next couple of months is my cross-training. Not only do I need to build strength back up in my leg I also need to focus on building core strength. What I’ve decided to do is supplement my running with barre classes. There is a studio near my home in San Antonio that offers Smart Barre classes. Here is the class description from their website in case you aren’t familiar with the Barre classes:

“Smart Barre practices concentrated movements that function as deep sculpting tools to strengthen and lengthen muscles. As a total body workout, this class fuses principles of ballet, Pilates, and yoga to target body areas in which women struggle- the core, hips, thighs, seat and arms. A traditional ballet barre is used to help maintain balance and provide resistance, however, you will not need a tutu in this class to achieve the long, lean look of a dancer. In addition to the barre, light weights, a playground ball, and a cushy mat are used. An efficient, upbeat workout, you will find it a “smart” use of time.”

I went to my first class last Saturday and thoroughly enjoyed it. It’s tough, don’t get me wrong, but it is just what I need. Not only am I trying to improve my running I am also trying to tone up and lose a few pounds. I have Paul’s Officer Candidate School graduation in January and I want to look good for it. It’s a formal event which I will need to dress up for so I want to feel comfortable in whatever I wear.

I am also going to ride my bike (I may even ride to/from Barre class on Saturday mornings) and take Nia, Journey Dance and yoga classes whenever I can as well as continue with my weekly Thai Yoga therapy.

So that’s my plan for now. I hope to be able to get back into the swing of things with my running/training but if my body isn’t ready for it I will wait. But even if I can’t run I vow to continue my cross training. My end goal is to be strong and healthy and there are many avenues that can get me there. I have to remember that.

"We may train or peak for a certain race, but running is a lifetime sport."  ~Alberto Salazar

11/22/2012- Before the start of the Turkey Trot 4-Miler