Walking Away...

There is so much I want to write about but I am just not sure where to start.

Maybe I should start here…

I am very fortunate to have the life I have today. Very fortunate for my health, my friends and family, love, happiness, kindness, compassion- I have it all. I don’t take these things for granted. I am lucky that I have been able to surround myself with positive and like-minded individuals who have always cared for me and loved me, as is.

That’s a really big deal.

Having positive people around me makes it easier to be a positive person.

Having accepting people in my life that let me be me, without judgment (because honestly- what right is it of ours to judge others), have made it easier for me to be accepting and non-judgmental.

But of course there will always be people in my life, acquaintances, co-workers, strangers at the gym, etc., that I have no control over. I can keep my circle of friends and family tight, surround myself with only those who represent the type of person I aim to be ,but I have no control as to what happens on the periphery of that circle.

This week I have been hit hard. By someone I thought was in my circle, someone I considered a friend.

I have just been overwhelmed with negative feelings and emotions all week long.

Maybe I brought this on myself. My actions have consequences, I know that.

And I need to stop here and say that this has nothing to do with Paul, he and I are good. We are actually hanging out tonight. I am getting to spend the night with the pups. He and I are adults and are handling this whole divorce in a mature and civil fashion.

Others in my life, not so much.

But here is the thing…before I go off into a diatribe about this whole shitty situation, which I shouldn’t because that whole mess isn’t worth the space of a few lines on my blog…

The thing is…it is important to know when to cut your losses and walk away.

That’s what I had to do this week. It sucked. It’s been a really long time since I had to make the tough decision to end a friendship. And to clarify, this friendship was over- I had to make the decision to stop fighting to revive it. To stop fighting to try and fix something that probably shouldn’t be fixed.

Because ultimately, I need good people in my life. Loving, kind, caring people who recognize I am a human being too. I have flaws. I make mistakes. I hurt and feel pain. And I love so deeply. I wear my heart on my sleeve and am easily crushed because of it. That’s me.

And someone that doesn’t get that…well they probably shouldn’t be in my life.

I know that.

And I know that I have so many wonderful people in my life that I don’t need to fight for one that doesn’t want to be a part of it.

But it still hurts.

Every day.

But…it gets easier.

So today, today I chose to focus on my circle. The amazing people I get to call friends. The loves of my life, my soul mates, my beacons of hope…

And today I chose to ignore what lies out in the periphery.

Because those people are not what matter to me.

You are. And today, just like every day, I am thankful for you.

Love and kisses,

Dacia

Yesterday...

This may be the most difficult post I will ever write.

And if you read this post last week you may have wondered what exactly I was alluding to.

Because there is no easy way to say it I will just start from this point- yesterday, Paul and I filed for divorce.

I may not write much about this going forward. It is deeply personal and involves two people, not just me.

I have discussed writing about this on the blog with him so he knows. You will not get details, just generalities as this is a private matter.

He and I have come to terms with this the best way we know how. We both accept responsibility for the state of our marriage, we both know that neither one of us is 100% at fault. We both are trying to not blame, point fingers or try to knock the other one down.

And although the disconnect between he and I has been broadening for some time now it doesn’t change the reality that walking away from someone after ten years is no easy feat.

We have an incredible amount of good memories. He has loved me, cared for me, supported me in ways no one ever has. He was my constant companion and my best friend, which is why I think the marriage lasted longer than maybe it should have.

I wish every day it was enough. That what we had was enough. I tried to make it so. I wanted to be there for him. To support him. To encourage him. To celebrate every victory. To cry together with every heartbreak but I just couldn’t anymore.

Because I realized being with him was selfish. At this point at least.

Because he needed more than what I could give him. He needed and deserved love.

So, we have decided to divorce now. Amicably. Instead of pushing through this for a few more years, one of us (or both) resenting each other and then having a nasty, hateful divorce.

It is not easy. There are a lot of tears. There is still a bond between us that may never break. And honestly, I hope it doesn’t. I hope that in ten years from now I look back on our life together with warm memories, thankful for having someone like him in my life.

I told him (somewhat jokingly) we may have failed in our marriage but let’s try to not fail at this divorce.

We try (and at times it is extremely difficult) to be civil, calm, respectful and understanding towards each other.  We know there will be, and has been, weeks , days, moments of sadness, hurt, anger, grief and that when we feel those emotions we take a beat.  A break. To not talk to each other with those heated emotions, to not say things we may regret.

And that happens. Yesterday I was an ass. I yelled a lot. In a parking lot of a Publix. Like a spoiled brat.

But Paul, being the understanding person he is, let me talk it out throughout the day and we took all those feelings and thoughts and turned them into much needed discussion points.

And when our therapist canceled our appointment for last night we decided we still wanted to talk face to face. So we went out to dinner together. To talk, to laugh, to share. To try and create some good memories.

Because I want him to look back on October 28^th and have something good to hold on to. October 28^th will always be the day that we filed for divorce but it will also be the day we ate together at Macaroni Grill, talked about the Red Sox winning game 5 (woot woot!), and shared a lot of laughs and of course a few tears.

So, please know that this decision to divorce is not one we entered into lightly. And just as details of two people’s marriage, and how they carry them out, are their decisions alone; so it is with a divorce. We are the only two people who know what we need, what we want from this and how to handle the decisions that get us there.  We are both beyond fortunate to have an amazing support system, as well as each other, to help us through this.

And we both thank you for all of your support, understanding and kindness moving forward.

Thank you!

XOXOXOXO

Dacia (and Paul)  

 

Taken October 28th, 2013...

Surgery Part 3: Well Now I Know...

Today has been a pretty great day. 

You know, just one of those days where everything just seems to fall into place. The stars align and whatnot.

It certainly doesn’t hurt that right now I am enjoying perfect Florida fall weather- high of 70, super sunny, cloudless sky…it’s amazing.

This gorgeous weather made for the perfect backdrop when I had to run outside of my office to take a call from the plastic surgeon’s office…

Yes, folks. Today I found out that insurance is covering my surgery. Huzzah!!!

And we were even able to set the surgery date. December 18^th! Less than two months away.

Holy crap!

Yep, it’s happening. In two months from now I will be a week post-op and hopefully recovering nicely.

I am so lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life who are willing (even volunteered without being asked!) to help me out during the recovery time. I am truly blessed.

And I promise to never take that for granted.

Thank you all so much for your continued support and for being here with me through this part of my journey. It’s not going to be easy but I know it will be worth it.

Faith

Today I feel very fortunate.

Not to say that I don’t feel this way most days. I do. I know how lucky I am and I try to never take that for granted.

But today…

Today I am overwhelmed with these feelings of gratitude and gratefulness.

It feels amazing to walk outside and feel the warmth from the sun against my face, the cool fall breezes against my skin.  I look around and see a million and one reasons to be thankful for this life. Thankful for where I am.

Even when life is hard I am thankful.

Maybe it is the challenges and struggles that make it easier to recognize the greatness of everything around me. Make me recognize how many things I have to be thankful for.

And I think even in the darkest of times it is important to hold onto that thankfulness, that appreciation, to help you not become so lost. So overwhelmed. So scared.

I read this sign the other day on the wall of my therapist’s office. It said;

“Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be.”

I have acceptance of what is. My path through this life has brought me here. This is where I am meant to be. I accept that. Openly. Honestly. Whole-heartedly.

I have worked very hard to let go of what was. Those things I cannot change. Those things that have shaped and molded me and made me the person I am today. I have no regrets. I no longer live in the past, longing for once was. I am here, today, now. This is my life. And it is awesome.

I NEED to have faith in what will be. Most days I do. I am nothing if not an overly optimistic person and I have floated through my life on the ideal that everything will work out in the end. I believe that to be 100% true. Today, though, as my life has started to change into something completely different, I step into the unknown leaving behind my safety net. And because of this I need to remind myself (over and over) to have faith in what will be.

I just need a little faith.

Because there really should not be a single doubt in my mind that I am destined for something great. My life is, has been, and will continue to be amazing.

And for that I am grateful.

Surgery Part 2: I Still Don't Have an Answer

I still don’t have an update as to whether or not my insurance company will approve the request from the surgeon to cover the panniculectomy. I actually called today and the surgeon’s office is waiting on a letter to send off and so their request probably won’t even make it to my insurance until Monday or Tuesday. Eh, it’s ok. I was planning on it taking closer to 6 weeks to hear back so I am not too concerned…yet.

In the meantime, as I patiently sit here and twiddle my thumbs, I thought I should start documenting some before photos. My own before photos- the surgeon has plenty of me already- so I have record for comparison purposes, you know?

Side note: one of my biggest regrets is not having really documented the beginning of my weight loss very well. I don’t have any pics from 02/2011 (the furthest one back I have is from a few months later) nor did I take any measurements. Lesson learned. In the grand scheme of things this is quite inconsequential.

After the last post about the surgery (you can read it here) I received so much wonderful feedback. What can I say, you guys are awesome. And that made me incredibly happy.

And I have been told many times from friends and loved ones that I don’t need the surgery- and that is true…to an extent.

There is a clear medical need for this procedure which is why my current and previous primary care docs have been pushing for it.

I tell you that it is bad, the chaffing, the sores, but you don’t see that (you know, since I tend to wear clothes while out in public) so it’s hard to understand.

So today I decided I would share with you some of what will probably become ‘before’ pics so you can get a better idea what I am dealing with.

Full disclosure- if you don’t want to see what someone who has lost nearly 130 pounds looks like practically nude I would close your browser now.

And please understand that it is hard for me to post something like this. It makes me vulnerable. Most people (99.9%) have never seen this part of my weight loss. But I wanted to share. Because it is a part of me. Just like all the other random shit I write about. I hope you understand.

 

 

Happy Friday wonderful people! <3

I'm Not Sure Why...

Yesterday I read a post on FB where someone asked (in a completely non-judgmental way) why is it that women are so critical of each other, why do we feel the need to tear each other down?

I wish I knew.

It sucks. I try really hard to not fall into that pattern of behavior. I don’t want to judge anyone or criticize anyone or belittle anyone. Period.

And I certainly don’t want to do any of those things because I am not ok with something going on inside my head or some ‘flaw’ I see in myself. I don’t want to project my own shit onto others.

I think I do a pretty good job. I try to be loving and accepting and kind to everyone. It’s not always easy and it takes allowing yourself to be vulnerable to do so but I believe it’s totally worth it.

I also try not to get caught up in behaviors or actions that could be seen as fat-shaming, skinny-shaming,  any type of shaming you can think of... and really instead try to focus on acceptance of people as is. As humans. For what they bring to this world. For what makes them awesome and unique and all that good stuff.

Again, not always easy BUT I think keeping a positive outlook helps. That and the fact that I want others to treat me with the same respect and kindness. It feels good. Everyone should know what it feels like to have people care about them, respect them.

That’s how I am…

Or at least the person I am trying to be every day.

I don’t know why some women act in a hurtful manner but it makes me sad.

We deserve more. We deserve love and respect, not hate and ignorance.

Not just women- all humans.

We should treat others as we want to be treated, right?

So today, for me, please take a minute to tell some women in your life (family, friends, co-workers, strangers, etc.) something nice, kind, warm, caring. Something to let them know that they are truly awesome. That they are worth love and respect and kindness. It takes very little effort to say something nice but the reward for doing so (both for you and them) is immeasurable. So why not?

Let’s just try to spread a little more love and a little less hate today, ok?

Thank you!

Dacia

Wordless Wednesday: New Orleans

My apologies to those of you that are also friends with me on FB...I am pretty sure I posted all of these pictures over the weekend. Feel free to ignore this post if you think you have seen enough NOLA pics to last you a lifetime. ;)

ABITA- brewery tour and brew pub

 



 

More Beer!

 

 

FOOD!

 

 

 

LOTS OF FUN!!!