Sliding Board

I’ve been thinking a lot about my weight loss/get healthy/fitness journey getting back to where I was a year ago. You know, back before working all the time and then suffering through two ridiculous injuries. Back into the groove I used to thrive in.

Today the realization hit me that I have gained back just under 40% of my weight loss. That number hurts my heart. Not because I feel fat or hate the idea of being the weight that I currently am but because I know what it took to lose it all and how ‘easy’ it was to gain 40% of it back.

Now I should start by saying, I am still super proud of maintaining that loss for almost 5 years. And maybe had I never gotten injured I would still be kicking ass in maintenance mode. But that is not what happened. And now I am here. Fighting every day to get back to that place where I once was. Not necessarily a weight but a lifestyle. An active and healthy lifestyle that I enjoyed so much.

After three weeks of focusing my energy into making better decisions – eating more whole foods and moving my body more- I had a really rough two days where I just did not GAF. My eating wasn’t off the rails, although it could have been better, but that wasn’t the issue. The issue was I just had this gloomy “I really don’t care anymore” feeling that I could not shake.

Even getting up today took a solid hour of convincing that I needed to get out of bed and get my booty to work.

My journey towards health has always been a mental battle more so than physical. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t easy exercising at 300 lbs and it really isn’t easy now either at 200 lbs as my fitness level is super low. BUT the physical hurdles were (are) nothing when I compare them with the mental battles.

Now whether or not this is true I am not sure, but it certainly feels to me that I can ‘lose’ any mental battle way faster than I can the physical ones.

When I think of my biggest struggles (convincing myself I am worth it and then motivating myself to have my actions reflect that belief) I picture a sliding board.

Convincing myself I deserve to be healthy and fit and talking myself into doing the ‘right’ things can some days feel like I am climbing up a sliding board. Here I am at the bottom feeling low, and trying to get back to a healthy, positive, loving, caring mindset is a series of small, challenging steps. I need strength to push forward and I need focus to stay the course. Each day am navigating myself to the top of the slide- to that place where I need to be.

But then I take a misstep, I give up on myself, and boom! I am quickly back on the bottom of the slide. Usually I stay here for a day or two (or week or month) before I turn back around and start to climb again.

It seems so easy to slide back down when you are barely strong enough to climb.

I know that I every time I fall I am not falling to the bottom. And I know that every time I start to climb it will get easier. Even when I think about my sliding board now I know it is not nearly as steep or as long as the one I set out to climb 6+ years ago. I’m a different person now, so my life challenges are different too. Maybe my sliding board is more like this one:

Side note: I grew up calling this a sliding board but apparently that is a regional term and most people call this a slide. Hopefully the title of this post was not too confusing for you :) 

I do feel like this time around it has been more challenging. I am not sure if that is because the circumstances are so different or if it is because I feel like I lost so much this past year or if it is because I cannot envision what my healthy lifestyle will look like now that I have so many activity restrictions. Probably a mixture of it all.

I think that 6 years ago it seemed easier because I had nowhere else to go but up. I was super lazy with terrible eating habits. Something, no matter how small of a change, was so much better than where I had been. Now the changes I need to make aren’t huge, I mean even at my worst during the injury, I still packed my breakfast and lunch every day. I did eat some processed foods but not a ton. I was probably closer to 60/40 than 80/20 but I still rarely drank or ate out. I was just completely inactive. And that is what led me here today.

Maybe I just have too many expectations of what my life should be based on where my life used to be. I think maybe I just need new expectations, new goals, and new dreams instead of wishing back the life I used to have.

Tomorrow I see my doctor for my semi-annual checkup and will get back the lab results from my blood work I had last week. My last check up back in the fall, even though I had already started to gain weight from the injury, my doctor was still super impressed with my lab work results. She said she was not concerned with the weight gain because I was internally the picture of health. I wonder how much they have changed after a solid 6 months of no activity….

I will let you know tomorrow.

Lastly, I really need to thank you for allowing me a place to talk about these deeply personal feelings. Trust me, although it may sound really negative I merely want to showcase the side of the battle I am fighting right now. We all have our own hurdles, and right now this is mine. It’s no different than yours. But when I talk about mine it helps me to put things in perspective and begin to really focus on the underlying struggles and issues. Because at the end of the day, I want to be healthy again. I want to be fit and full of energy. I want to treat my body, mind and spirit the way that they deserve to be treated because I only have one life. And I intend to live it fully.

xoxox,

Dacia 

Week 15: the Roller Coaster

Last week was a bit of a roller coaster for me.

 It started off with me dropping Paul off at the airport and then running a 15K immediately after- both of which were exhausting- mentally and physically.

Then came a new pair of running shoes

Followed by an injury that popped up during one of my runs that caused me to almost have a complete mental breakdown thinking that this would keep me from running the half

But after some intense thai yoga therapy and some rest I was feeling great; back to normal

I not only was able to finish off my training week strong,  completing  my last long run (12 miles) before the half, I also ended up logging more running miles this week than ever before- 32.5 miles.

I had my confidence back. I felt ready for the half. I knew I could do it. I finished that 12 mile run with fuel in the tank and energy left in my legs- I knew I could push it for another 1.1 miles. I was ecstatic.

Well, ecstatic until Sunday when 2 miles into my 5K pain in my hip caused me to have to walk the rest of the race. I was pissed too. I had just ran my fastest two miles EVER and was on pace to come in at a sub-30 5K- something that I have never done before- and on top of that I was pissed because why the hell was the pain back???

Well, I was pretty sure I had just sabotaged myself for the second time in a week. The first- running in new shoes with less than 3 weeks left  before the half (note: the Brooks have been exchanged for a pair of Merrells- I am sticking with what works for me from now on) , the second- pushing myself only four days after my first hip flare up. Even if I felt great, it was probably quite unwise to push myself that hard. What was I thinking?

So, yesterday, under the advisement of my thai yoga therapist, I headed to a chiropractor to the get to the root of the problem and see if it was something fixable or if it would end up sidelining me from the half- which is now less than two weeks away.

The visit went really well. The root of my problem is my lower back and the cause isn’t running. It is from sitting all day long. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this either. Tricia, my thai yoga therapist, tells me this pretty frequently. Sadly, my job isn’t changing anytime soon the doctor gave me some stretches to do- at work and at home- and I will try to do better about getting up and walking more at work.

The doctor also told me that I should be fine in a few weeks and that running won’t impact the healing process so he has given me the green light to keep training and to run the half.

I am still planning on taking a few more days off from running. I also plan on seeing Tricia Thursday for my regular Thai Yoga appointment and I also scheduled a follow up appointment with the chiropractor for next week- just to be safe. He thinks that the one adjustment from yesterday is probably all I will need but I would just feel much better seeing both him and Tricia again before the half. I want to help my body heal as best I can.

I also don’t want to do anything that might cause a real injury down the road. So for this week my plan is rest, rest, rest, stretch, stretch, stretch, eat well, and stay positive.

Saturday, if I feel up to it, I will go out for a run. A nice, easy-paced happy run. Until then I will just focus on doing what’s best for my body, my mind and my soul J

Have you ever been sidelined from an injury? What did you do to help your recovery? How did you cope with it?

"We all have dreams. But in order to make dreams come into reality, it takes an awful lot of determination, dedication, self-discipline, and effort."  ~Jesse Owens