One Year Ago...

Today I saw a post from last year when I found out my mom had breast cancer and a resulting double mastectomy and I was immediately hit with a flood of emotions. Not because my mom is currently sick, she isn’t- she is (praise all the baby goats!) cancer free. And that is so awesome. But  I remembered that moment- the fear, the sadness, the uncertainty I felt when I heard that news. I was so scared. My mom is my best friend. We have always been super close and to think of her in pain or hurting was soul crushing. I am crying as I type this. To say that was a tumultuous few months would be an understatement.

And of course, as I reflected back on last summer and my mom’s surgery I thought about how I had a really rough stretch of like 6-8 months last year. Paul and I were in a pretty bad place early on in the year, then my mom’s cancer scare, then the separation and divorce and the whirlwind that ensued because of it. Some days I wonder how I survived it all. And somehow I didn’t just survive it; somehow I came out the other end in a much better, happier, safer place.

I am lucky.

Or maybe I’m not.

Maybe I am here, having persevered through the rough stuff, not because of luck but because of resolve.  As the world was crumbling down around me I never let the temporary bad stuff take me down. Yeah, there were tough times. There were a ton of tears. And of course moments of doubt. But by and by I relied on my optimism, my friends and family, and my beliefs to see me through.

So, where am I going with this?  Eh, I’m not really sure.  I just wanted to share with you this story.  A little glimpse inside where I was then and where I am now to show you how quickly and how dramatically things can change- both in a positive and a negative way.

I think it is so hard to see ‘the end’ or ‘the results’ or ‘the happy ending’ when we are bogged down in shit. Especially during those times when we have no escape from the day to day circumstances that are weighing heavily on our minds and instead force us to rely heavily on hope or faith that it will all be ok.

So I just wanted to say this- everything will be ok.

Maybe not today, maybe not next week but trust me- it will be.

Life isn’t always good. But know this; if you woke up this morning able to breathe and live your life freely then guess what? It’s not as bad as it might seem.

So today, a year after some of the most shocking and saddening news I have ever received, I am fortunate enough to be here telling this story. This sad story with a happy ending.

My takeaway from all this- it’s just temporary. Even the shitty parts that make you feel hopeless. They will pass. You are strong. You will be happy. Maybe even happier than you’ve ever been. Just don’t give up hope. Even when you can’t see the finish line have faith in knowing it is there.

And always know that you are loved.

Love and hugs-

Dacia

xoxoxoxox

An Apple a Day...

Since my mom’s breast cancer diagnosis I have been meaning to get in to see a doctor here in Pensacola in order to discuss my health and find out whether or not I should start to have regular mammograms and whatnot. Even though Paul is still military, and I still have the same health insurance, I had yet to set up my local primary care doctor even though we have been in FL for 6 months now.

Side note: six months! Can you believe it? Some days it feels like we just moved here and other days I feel like I have been here forever- but in a good way. I love Pensacola. It is definitely one of my most favorite places I have lived.

A few weeks ago I finally got around to switching my doctor and scheduled an appointment. That appointment was this morning and I am happy to report it went really well. I went there with a laundry list of items I wanted to discuss with him and am thankful he took the time (an hour) to go over everything with me. That was awesome.

As I mentioned before, I wanted to discuss whether or not I needed a mammogram. I am 35 and have a family history of breast cancer, should I be concerned? After he conducted a breast exam, in which he found no irregularities, we talked about mammograms. For many reasons (all of which he discussed with me) he saw no need for me to start having mammograms until I hit 40. However, there was one caveat.  My mom recently underwent genetic testing for BRCA mutations. Women with these gene mutations have a much, much higher risk of breast and ovarian cancer.  If her results come back positive, then my doctor wants me to undergo the same testing.  If I do end up needing the genetic testing then our plan to hold off on the mammogram will probably change. But we’ll cross that bridge if we get to it. I am not too concerned.

While I was at the doctor I also wanted to have some blood work drawn. It had been 18 months since the last time I had lab work (I tried to have it done again before I left SA but my doctor there said no) and I wanted to see how everything is going internally.  My new doctor obliged and after our exam I headed to the lab to have 5 vials of blood drawn. He checked my sugar, thyroid, lipids, iron, vitamin D as well as markers for tetanus and MMR – for vaccine requirements for school. I am supposed to schedule a follow up appointment with him for 4-6 weeks but I may just call in sometime next week to see if I could get the lab results- I’m impatient.

We also discussed my weight loss (I gave him the abbreviated version of my story) and how I am struggling with getting back into weight loss mode and how I really want to focus on lowering my body fat percentage.  He set me up with a nutritionist (yay!) and hopefully I will have my first appointment with them soon. They actually call me to schedule it, not the other way around.

And since we were on the topic of weight loss I brought up abdominoplasty (aka tummy tuck) with him. My previous doctor was all for me having the surgery and wanted to submit paperwork to get me on a waitlist (in SA they have military plastic surgeons and so I could have it done at the Army/AF hospital but the when part would have been completely up in the air) but since I knew I would be moving and I wasn’t sure I was ready to go under the knife, I put it off. Now that I am somewhat settled and much more prepared to handle this type of procedure I wanted to make sure it would still be covered by my insurance and find out how it would work since they aren’t a medical training facility. The doctor told me that since the excess skin causes skin irritations/open sores from the rubbing (especially from activity) that there is a medical need (high risk for infections) for me to have the surgery and therefor it would be covered. And since they don’t do plastic surgery there I would just go to a plastic surgeon in Pensacola for the procedure.

Then he asked me a really tough question…when do you want to have it? Since I would be going outside of the naval hospital I could basically have it any time I wanted so he wanted to know when. I told him that I wanted to wait. I want to be back down to 160, a weight that I not only felt really good at but a weight I maintained for almost a year. I told him once I was back at (or really close to) 160 then we would talk. Ultimately, I would like to schedule the surgery around Christmas because then I would be able to take advantage of the two weeks off I get at the university for the holiday as recovery time and not need to take much sick/annual leave in order to make this work.  Like I said earlier, I will have a follow up visit in the next month or so and I will broach the December idea with him. This way I can start the hunt for a surgeon and try to get everything booked up a few months out so that way I have time to prepare.

Overall, I couldn’t be happier about how today’s visit went. I’m nervous, of course, about mom’s genetic testing (a positive result for her means she will probably end up having her ovaries removed) but happy to have a plan in place for her and for my health. I am excited for my lab results to come back. I know, I am such a dork but seeing good results and having them reaffirm the life choices I have made is exciting.  I am super stoked to be able to start seeing a nutritionist- I really think it will be great to have someone really evaluate my eating and exercise habits and try to find any gaps or weak areas I can work on. I am beyond thrilled that even though I am away from a big military medical facility I am still able to have insurance cover the surgery. That’s a big deal for me. It’s the only one I want to have. It is uncomfortable running and riding a bike while having constant chafing from my stomach flab. For me, this surgery is out of necessity.

Well ok, maybe like 90% necessity, 10% vanity.

What? I’m still human. Don’t judge me ;)

But more than any of these things I am just really happy and consider myself very fortunate to have a doctor who wants to help me meet all of my goals. A doctor who is on board with nutrition and exercise and weight loss ‘on my own’ (his words, not mine) and wants to provide me with any resources I need in order to meet my goals and live a healthy life. Yeah, he’s pretty awesome and I cannot wait for our next appointment.

I'm Really Pissed...

My blog, in regards to the content I share on here, is pretty much a mixture of fluff (training recaps- for my accountability), hippie shit (acceptance, self-love, hug a tree, kiss a cow) and once in a blue moon there are pieces with substance that address some of the harder issues for me. This is going to be one of them. Consider yourself warned. There is profanity, too.

I’m pissed.

I am blood-boiling, gut-wrenching, kicking dirt angry.

As some of you may already know, I found out on Monday that my mom has breast cancer. She called me, as I had expected her to since we missed our normal Sunday call since I was traveling, and told me she had some bad news. Actually she called, told me she had bad news, asked if I was home (which I was not) and then asked me to call her back when I was, she didn’t want me driving when she told me. Luckily I was close by but those 10 minutes it took me to get there were pure torture.

My first thought was it was my uncle who is battling cancer and undergoing chemo. I thought it was more bad news about him.

Then my mind leapt to my cousin. She is currently hospitalized. Struggling. Life has been rough for her.

Then I thought about my father who has already had two heart attacks and then just 2 years ago gave us a hell of a scare when he suffered complications during neck surgery that we didn’t think he would survive.

Then I thought about my grandparents, both in their 80s. I thought maybe it was something with one of them.

I never, not even for a minute, thought it was my mom.

And when I finally made it home and called her back she asked me to have a seat. I knew it wasn’t going to be good.

When she said breast cancer I started bawling.

I could barely hear what she was trying to tell me.

Two biopsies, surgery, double mastectomy…in a few weeks…

What the fuck….

How was this happening? I couldn’t even process it. Paul was there, sitting beside me, holding me but I just wanted to run away.

I wanted to drive straight to the airport and get on the first flight to Philly. I wanted to be by her side.

I was scared.

I am scared.

And I will be going home to be with her for the procedure. As soon as we have a date (waiting on some blood work and CT scan results before the surgery is schedule) I will book my flight and head home.

And it sucks that that is the best I can do.

It sucks that I live so far away that I can’t just drop in and spend time with her whenever I want. This is actually the hardest thing about moving and military life- these moments when it’s really tough (more than the normal amount) to be so far from family.

I should tell you though how positive my mom is that the mastectomy and the hormone treatment (which is just taking a pill daily) will be enough. The biopsy of the lymph nodes during the procedure will tell us more but we are all really positive that she won’t need chemo, that there isn’t cancer elsewhere, that this will be one simple (yet painful) procedure and we will wipe our hands of this and be done.  

And yes, cancer sucks. I hate that my mom has cancer. But it isn’t really why I’m pissed.

I’m pissed because she doesn’t deserve this.

Not that I think anyone deserves cancer. I don’t.

But my mom, she really doesn’t deserve cancer.

I’m pissed because she spent over 25 years of her life battling bipolar disorder. Hasn’t she suffered enough?

She spent years of her life misdiagnosed, on the wrong meds, dealing with shitty doctors, in and out of hospitals, missing out on her life.

Wasn’t that enough?

Doesn’t 25 years of hell earn you a free pass on cancer?

It’s been about 5 years since her doctors found the right combination of meds that work for her. They all have weird side effects and it isn’t easy for her on those meds but on them she can live a pretty normal life.

The past few years, especially since my dad took an early retirement due to health issues, my parents have finally been able to live the life they always wanted.  They go to concerts, hang out in Chinatown, spend time with friends, visit family, take vacations and are really, finally, enjoying their life. It only took 60 years but they made it.

So, now for this to happen; I just have to say what the fuck. Really? Cancer, really?

It just doesn’t seem fair. How can someone who has endured so much be slated with another hellacious illness. How the fuck is that right?

Yep. I’m pissed. I think that’s pretty clear.

If I could take the cancer from her I would, in a heartbeat. No doubt about it.

Because that’s my mom, and she doesn’t deserve this.

She’s been through enough, life, didn’t you get the memo?

But here’s the thing. I may be really angry about this but she isn’t.

I may be anxious and nervous and sad but she isn’t.

Because she is a rock, my rock, which is probably why I’m the one freaking out.

And these feelings come in waves. Trust me, I am not spending my day filled with anger, sadness, or despair. For the most part I am pretty positive. My mom is, too. But then again she is the most positive person on the face of the planet. I learned from the master.

But I am still human, so some times my positivity gets pushed aside by that damn feeling of how unfair this all is.

But then I hear my mom’s voice telling me this will all be ok. She will be ok. And I know she is right. Because mom’s know everything.