The Behind the Scenes

Last year was crazy. Many highs and lows, ups and downs. Definitely a roller coaster. I didn't share many of the low points. I kept my behind the scenes to myself. Maybe this creates a false ideal of what my life was really like but trust me, I never did it to be misleading. I never wanted to portray myself in a false light. So today I decided to share a bit and explain some about the last year or so.

Divorce is not easy. Starting over- absolutely NOT easy. There were many, many times where I felt hopeless. Lost. Hurt. Disappointed. Ashamed.

I had this life, this arrangement, this way of living that was gone. Over. And in its place was something scary and unfamiliar. There were times where I wasn't sure how I was going to make it. I had to move out on my own and I didn't have much. I had to leave my dogs and a comfortable life I had built and walked away with practically nothing. I moved into a 300 sq foot efficiency. My trash can was in my living room that was also my bedroom. It was kind of a dump. But it was what I could afford. There were many nights I cried myself to sleep to the sounds of people fighting. My bathroom always smelled of pot. I would say I was living the life of a poor college student except the apartments I lived in in college were a million times nicer. 

And then there was my job. It was supposed to be temporary. I took a huge pay cut (almost 50%) for this job in order to be able to move to Pensacola. Since I only planned on being here a year or two I was ok with it. It wasn't a job in my field. It wasn't work I wanted to do but hey, it was just temporary. But now here I am and that job became the only thing I had. And I felt like such a failure. I felt like I was so far off this path I had wanted to be on, the path I once was on. I felt embarrassed and ashamed and that I let myself down. Here I was loaded down with student loan debt working a job that was not in my field, not my area of interest or expertise. Not what I went to school for. Not what I was passionate about. And there were many days that was a tough pill to swallow.

And I was alone. Thirty-six years old and starting over. Feeling like that maybe the best years of my life were alreay behind me and that those years, because of my weight and the limitations it put on me, were squandered away. I'm not going to lie, there were times I felt hopeless. Not sure where to go but feeling that I had hit bottom. 

But here's the thing...those moments- they were fleeting. Because no matter how shitty I felt I knew I had no right to vocalize them publicly. 

I had a roof over my head. It may have been a shithole but it was mine. And that was more than most people have. I had a home while others did not.

I had a job. Yeah, maybe it wasn't where I thought I would or should be at times but those moments passed when I realized all the perks this job offered (free tuition!)and that I had/have the best bosses and co-workers in the world. I had a job while others, so many others, did not. 

And I had an amazing life. Yes, there were nights I felt alone. Scared. Anxious. Because it was a huge change. And I missed my dogs (still do). And I didn't know what the future had in store. But I had family, friends and my health. I had so much love and so many amazing years ahead of me while so many others did not. 

I don't know why I decided to write about this today other than the feeling maybe I needed to explain myself. I am grateful, every day even when shit is so hard,  because I have more blessings than I deserve. I try to always stay positive because that's the person I was raised to be. It's not always easy but keeping a positive outlook makes living my life easier...if that makes sense. So I guess what I am saying is that my behind the scenes are probably similar to yours. I have my ups and downs. I am not always happy, my life is not always perfect. But it is my life and it is exactly how it should be. Maybe I should share more but I hate to dwell on the negative stuff. I will always prefer to share the good stuff and reflect on all I have in this world. I hope you understand.

And on that note, I wish you happy holidays. May you be able to celebrate this time with those you love. 

Love and hugs,

Dacia 

xoxoxox

Surgery Update- the One Year Mark!

It’s been a year since I had my abdominoplasty/ abdominal panniculectomy.

A whole year.

Can you believe it? I most certainly cannot.

I remember so many details of my surgery day so vividly (and the following recovery days) that it is hard to believe it was a year ago.

I am still very thankful that I underwent the procedure. Even though I had completely accepted the very real possibility that the surgery could in fact alter my life and abilities I am beyond thrilled that my recovery went so well and I am living my life currently without any restrictions. The only thing that isn’t 100% (but it’s getting damn close) is my core strength. I am still a bit weak in the area where my scar line is, my lower abdomen. Other than that, it’s life as normal. Oh and I still have no real sensation on the area below my belly button but that is common and I was told it may never come back. That, however, is quite insignificant in the grand scheme of things though. So much so I almost forgot to mention it. But of course, I want to always make sure I give you full disclosure J

And on that note….guess it’s time for some pictures.

The last post-op pictures I could find were from week 6. 

This morning I took some pictures, you know since it was the year anniversary mark and whatnot I thought it would be a good idea.  *I didn't realize that I had shown my full scar in previous photos...probably would have been a good idea to have taken some photos today that showed the whole thing. Whoops! Next time!

I think I look the same. 

Well, same-ish. Close enough for me to be 100% happy with how I look. My scars have faded so much, especially the one around my belly button. My tummy does stick out a little more but it is pretty solid so I will chalk that up to muscle growth ;) Other than that, I think there is not much difference. Which is a good thing because I can literally feel pain along my scar when my weight goes up and it is not a pleasant feeling. Maybe one day that will go away. For now, I basically have a built in weight gain alarm. LOL!

So...I guess that is about it. Not much has changed, physically, since my surgery a year ago. The recovery took time but I am happy that I was able to progress somewhat easily and am here today, a year later, able to do all of the things I love to do and doing so comfortably. I no longer have to worry about sores or chafing or infections on my excess skin. I can live an active life easily. And that is a really great thing. 

This surgery has helped me both mentally and physically and for that I am grateful. Now that I am healed and am stronger and back to where I was, activity-wise, before the surgery I am so excited to see what the next year brings.

Love and hugs,

Dacia 

xoxoxoxx

Misguided Preconceived Notions

Back in the day I used to live my life based off of completely misguided preconceived notions as to what my options in life were. You see, in my head I saw life as one of two ways- you can live it to the fullest with complete disregard to health or habits and do whatever you wanted because you only had one life so why not enjoy it. This was what I thought was happiness. On the flipside I thought you could choose to live your life focused only on your health- following a super strict diet, work out all the time (like hours and hours a day in the gym), depriving yourself of anything good and tasty, living completely restricted, having no fun whatsoever. In my head, I pictured this life as a life of misery and truth be told if I did live this way I would be miserable.

So I chose to live my life for many, many years with complete disregard. I chose to live it up. To do and eat whatever I wanted. I ate portion sizes that were too large of foods that were damaging to my body. I chose to spend countless hours plopped down in front of the TV and get lost in shows. I drank, probably way too much, too often. I didn’t think twice about spending my weekend nursing a hangover. I just did what I wanted because I was ‘living’ my life, the way I wanted to, because I only had one life so I needed to enjoy it.

But guess what? I was miserable.

Because that life- a life of excess- is just as bad (probably worse) than a life of restriction. And I couldn’t see that. I thought I only had two options (and I tried both, I would get frustrated with my weight and move to extreme dieting and an unmanageable workout routine which I could maybe sustain for a week or two tops) and I felt like both were making me miserable. Neither were how I wanted to live.

I am thankful that this time around I realized how wrong I was. That life is not about living in extremes, at least not for me. I was never able to be the person that could force myself into a lifestyle that made me hate living (i.e. restrictive diet, extreme exercise) but what I failed to realize for a very long time was that the lifestyle I had chosen instead (a life of complete leisure and indulgence) was making me hate living too. It made my world so difficult to navigate that I dreaded everyday life. It was embarrassing and humiliating not just being obese but being extremely limited because of my weight. Simple movements, like climbing stairs or tying my shoes, were hard. I was in my late 20’s/early 30’s and I was living like I was at the end of my life, like I had given up hope. All because I thought I was choosing to live my life on my terms, in a way that would bring me happiness. But it didn’t and I wasn’t.

Somewhere on this path I was able to figure that out. I was able to find balance. And happiness. I was able to find what works for me, what keeps me healthy, keeps me sane and leaves me feeling content. It took a lot of trial and error. My path never was, nor will it ever be, a straight line. But when you hear people talking about ‘lifestyle changes’ instead of ‘quick fixes’ they are absolutely right. I couldn’t continue to bounce from one thing to another, making choices and decisions that led me to a way of life that I could not, nor would I want to, sustain. One way was slowly (not really that slow either) killing me and making me miserable in the process and the other was impossible for me to sustain. I had to find my balance. The life I could live and wanted to live.

Yes, I had a lot of weight to lose and a lot of bad habits I needed to clean up if I wanted to get there. And yes, I wanted to change them all at once and be fit and healthy as soon as possible and it felt impossible and the whole process to get there seemed daunting and felt like it would take an eternity and I struggled with making the commitment to change my life because I thought it would take too damn long and would be too damn hard, maybe even impossible. But the reality of it was this: changing my life will take a very long time. It will take forever. Because every day I am changing. Every day I am re-evaluating and making decisions that I hope will support the life I want to lead. I found my happiness. I found my balance. But just because I found them doesn’t mean I don’t have to work every day to maintain them. I made a commitment to change my life knowing that it meant these changes would be for life. And that seemed daunting. Making changes that I would need to sustain for the rest of my life. Wow! That could (hopefully) be a very long time. But here’s the thing- when you are living the life that you want and doing things that are making you truly happy then it is easy to sustain. To me, it is easier to live this life today- a life filled with meal prep/planning, half marathon training, meeting with my personal trainer, grad school, traveling, being a vegan, going out/staying in with the bf, and puppies- than it was to live life when I ate take out/fast food all the time, drank too much, and watched countless hours of TV. Doesn’t seem like it would be that way does it? Seems like it would be easier to be lazy but it was too much for me. It was physically killing me and mentally draining me. I was miserable being a passive onlooker on the sidelines watching my life go by. Being disappointed, feeling like I was wasting my life- that was extremely hard for me. This life, it is easy in comparison.

So when you are thinking about your life and the path you want to take I encourage you to make choices that support the life you truly want. It will take work and a lot of effort to change habits and create new ones. You will mess up. You will struggle. It will be challenging and at times confusing but just know that every day you set out to make your life better, to work towards your goals and find your happiness, is never a day wasted.

Love and hugs,

Dacia

xoxoxoxo

A Friday Rant

So here’s my rant on this beautiful Friday…

I try not to take anything anyone says about their life, and the situation they are in, personally. People use all types of social media (including blogging, like me) to talk openly and honestly about their struggles, frustrations, and hard times and what they need is support. They need to know that they are not alone and that there are people that believe in them and will stand by them on their journey.

HOWEVER…it is hard for me, at times, to bite my lip and not respond as such…

You can have a million people on your team, cheerleaders out the wazoo, countless inspirational quotes hanging on your walls but if you cannot believe in yourself, if you are not ready to change, if you cannot put your health first and make yourself top priority you will not be successful.

Paying a coach or trainer can help teach you many things but they can’t make you show up to the gym.

Taking a cooking class or reading healthy eating food blogs or buying a dozen cookbooks can arm you with tips and tricks and new ideas but they can’t make you buy/prepare/eat the food.

Reading success stories, joining FB groups, following twitter chats, seeing IG photos can inspire you to want to change but they cannot make you change.

Only YOU can change your life.

YES, it is so much better when you know you are not alone. It is so much easier when you have plenty of resources available to you. It is definitely beneficial to have guidance and support and that can really help propel you. But none of that can make you take that first step (and the five gazillion subsequent steps) and keep you accountable and help you progress in your journey.

Only you can do that.

I can’t make you go to the gym, eat a salad, or motivate you to make the lifestyle changes you need to make to get you to where you want to go. That’s got to be you.

I am here to support you, cheer you on, help in any way I can but you have to be your number one cheerleader, your number one motivator and your number one friend.

It won’t be easy but honestly, nothing is.

But it is worth it. YOU are worth it.

Love and hugs,

Dacia

xoxoxoxox

I Don't Run Enough...

I don’t run enough to outrun a bad diet.

Here is an example of what I mean by that.

I run 4, sometimes 5 days, a week while training for half marathons. That’s approximately 20-25 miles per week. I also meet with a trainer twice a week for strength training-two one-hour sessions.

An approximation of my calories burned through activity would look something like this:

25 miles x 100 calories burned per mile = 2500 calories burned

2 trainer sessions x 500 calories burned per session = 1000 calories burned

Total calories burned through exercise = 3,500  

As far as my diet go I stick to mainly a whole foods, plant-based diet but I do allow myself what some would consider indulgences. I follow the 80/20 rule.  I drink beer once or twice a week, eat a cupcake now and again, and go out for dinner- sometimes it’s pizza, sometimes it’s burgers, and sometimes it’s something wholesome.

My nutritionist tells me to aim for a caloric intake of 1600-1800 calories a day regardless of my activity levels. This looks like about 350 calories for breakfast, 400-500 calories for lunch, and 400-500 calories for dinner plus another 400 calories in snacks (3) spread throughout the day.

But that is not what my day looks like most days. When I run I fuel before and after and for long runs, during too. For my strength training sessions I fuel before and after as well. This is a necessity for me/my body. I need energy to run and sustain my workouts and I need protein and other nutrients after to help with recovery, muscle growth, etc. Plus there are weekends and we all know life is different on the weekend than during the week.

So on average I would say I take in anywhere from 300-500 additional calories for fueling my workouts. And on the weekend I would say I intake maybe 500 calories additional due to beer and eating out.

Seven days a week x 500 calories consumed = 3,500 additional calories consumed

As you can see my calories burned just barely negates those additional calories consumed. Yes, I know this is all an approximation. And yes, I know you burn calories in other ways. But this is an easy way to show that at this point I am maintaining, not losing.

And for me that’s ok.

I think.

I haven’t weighed myself in forever. I don’t see a reason why. My clothes fit, actually my pants are getting looser and my tops are getting tighter in the sleeves because I actually have arm muscles for the first time. But I feel great. My body recovers quickly. I don’t feel deprived. I am happy.

BUT….if I wanted to lose weight I would have to do so through my diet. I have no additional free time in my life to workout more than I already do. I have a FT job, I am a grad student, I am a girlfriend and furbaby mama and I have a life. I don’t want to spend more time, more than I already do, in the gym.So, to lose weight I would need to eat less. I would need to cut out beer. And pizza. And burgers. I would have to stick to making every meal and start re-evaluating each ingredient. I wouldn't cut out the calories consumed to help fuel my workouts but I would have to rethink what I eat. It would suck. I would feel deprived and possibly feel hungry most of the time.

OR I would have to be ok with making teeny tiny almost unnoticeable changes that will help me to lose, but at a very slow rate. Maybe this time just one beer instead of two. Maybe a salad with my burger instead of fries. Maybe find a balance that allows me to tweak my diet and not feel deprived. If I wanted to lose weight, this is the way I would do it.

I don’t ever want to be the girl that denies herself a cupcake. But I can definitely be the girl that only allows it once in a while, not every week.

Because I know that no matter what I do, there is not enough free time in my day to allow me to try and outrun a bad diet. 

Four Fun Facts

This post is inspired from Rennay AKA the Vegetarian in the Ville. I saw her post today and thought it looked like a fun thing to write about so here it goes...

Four names that people call me other than my real name

1.    Dae Dae (Mission Meltdown AKA Dre Dre)

2.    Daysh

3.    Button (my dad)

4.    Kitty Boo (Erick)

Four jobs I've had

1.    Industrial Engineer

2.    Supply Chain Analyst

3.    Business Operations Analyst

4.    Data Analyst

Four movies I've watched more than once

1.    The Usual Suspects

2.    Life is Beautiful

3.    Pitch Perfect

4.    Love Actually

Four books I'd recommend

1.    Bitter is the New Black (actually, anything by Jen Lancaster)

2.    Eat and Run- Scott Jurek

3.    Yes Please- Amy Poehler

4.    To Kill a Mockingbird- Harper Lee

Four places I've lived

1.    Philadelphia

2.    San Antonio

3.    Daytona Beach

4.    Akron, OH

Four places I've visited

1.    London

2.    Edinburgh

3.    Toronto

4.    Montreal

Four places I'd rather be right now

1.    Home with Gordie and Erick

2.    At the beach

3.    On vacation….anywhere

4.    With my family

Four things I don't eat

1.    Meat/Fish

2.    Dairy

3.    Eggs

4.    Water Chestnuts (YUCK!)

Four of my favorite foods

1.    Vegan nachos (tie between Sluggos and Vegeria)

2.    PIZZA!

3.    Pho

4.    Curry- any kind

Four TV shows I watch

I don’t watch much TV, usually just one show at a time on Netflix. Here is what I have watched recently

1.    Homeland

2.    Orange is the New Black

3.    House of Cards

4.    *Fargo (I’m about to start this series next)

Four things I'm looking forward to this year

Does this mean in the next 12 months or 2015? Not sure, so I am just going to answer 2015.

1.    Ragnar Relay Cape Cod (check out our Facebook page!)

2.    Déjà vu Half in Baton Rouge

3.    ACL Festival

4.    Mardi Gras

Four things I'm always saying

1.    Just sayin’

2.    It is what it is

3.    Gordie! No biting!

4.    You’re lucky you’re so cute

Four people I tag to answer these questions

1.    Don from Half the Mass I Used to Be

2.    Dani from Weight Off My Shoulders

3.    Ashley from The Emotional Ride of Losing It

4.    Jen from Such a Funny Fat

 

And, in case this is my last post before the holiday- which it probably will be, Happy Thanksgiving to you and your loved ones. I hope you are able to spend some time with the people that matter most.

Love and hugs,

Dacia

xoxoxoxox

Oh yeah, I still owe you a recap don't I???

What I Wish I Knew All Along....

I had this random thought pop in my head today…

It’s probably because I read soooo many weight loss blogs and associate with so many weight losers/maintainers that weight loss, or some associated topic, is always up for discussion. No matter what, it seems to stick at the forefront of my mind- whether I want it there or not.

And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Most days it helps keep me accountable and in check. Most days it keeps me from eating the entire pizza. Most days. At the same time it has become something I must learn to live with, because it is something I need. That constant reminder of why I am active and why I (try) to eat good, whole-foods and why I try to take care of myself. Not to lose weight or to maintain but to be healthy. The problem is weight loss/maintenance is always (always, always, always) tied to health.

Even when it’s not.

Even when I don’t believe it should be.

Anyway, I was thinking back on my days on Weight Watchers. It’s been awhile since I left the program. I am not sure how long but at least two years is my best guess. Probably longer. (and I am not here to knock WW, it was what I needed in the beginning- it just wasn’t enough for me towards the end, you know?) I remember my weekly weigh ins and sharing the results on my blog. Posting pictures of each five pound lost star I earned and feeling so good about my progress….when I lost.

See, early on (and this may just be a Dacia thing and not something directly correlated to me being on WW) I treated every loss on the scale as a victory and every gain as a defeat.

And that worked….for awhile.

It kept me in that heightened state of always needing to be “perfect” or “on plan” and when I “failed” on a week I did everything “right”….cue the emotional breakdown.

I may have had the gumption to keep that mindset going for awhile but I honestly feel if I hadn’t changed that mindset I would not be where I am now- in a much healthier headspace regarding weight.

Yes, weight loss is a good thing (for the most part) and you are completely ok to celebrate it.

But is it still a victory when that loss comes from sacrificing more than the calories on your plate or hours to the gym?

And weight gain….is that a failure? Do you deserve to feel like shit and mentally tear yourself apart just because you gained a pound or two?

I wish someone told me early on to not take the results on the scale so seriously.

Yes, I was morbidly obese. And yes, I needed to change A LOT of things about myself in order to become a healthy person- weight included. But I think I could have done so, and still been successful, without the extreme impact the scale had on my mental wellbeing.

We think (and maybe that is a generalization and I should say I here) so often about what being healthy means and instantly jump to eating right and exercising. I envision someone in a gym lifting weights or one of the marathoners that passed me at the finish line of my half marathoner. I think of the person eating their grilled chicken (no skin) and a side of steamed broccoli. I think about that person that says no to cake. Or no to beer. And I think that is a healthy person.

But am I naïve to think that health boils down to only food and activity? YES!!!!

Our mental health is equally important. Personal satisfaction, care and self-love come in so many forms. More than just what we eat and the things we do. And that piece- that piece of how we are- is also a key to health and wellness.

So my point, I do have one I swear, is this.

I wish someone told me to be kinder to myself. Not every loss is a victory nor is every gain a failure. Wake up every day and try to do your best. Make the best choices you can. Take care of yourself, regardless of what ‘taking care of yourself’ looks like. Every decision you make that leads you to a healthier and happier you is good enough. You are already good enough.

I was always good enough (actually, far better than good enough) I was just sick and unhealthy and I needed to change that. And I did. I just wish I hadn’t had to fight the horrible mental scale battle so much along the way.

Lesson learned….

 

 

Love and hugs,

Dacia

xoxoxox